Scott's State of the Union Address

(The room is dark except for a dimly lit podium.  There are like 34 microphones surrounding the podium representing all the major news mediums like The West Virginia Grocer, Cat's Weekly, Gas & U, and even the big one, Intestinal Flu and You.  There are many other reporters seated throughout the room and you can feel a buzz of excitement rising in the room as, "One Sweet World" by the Dave Matthews Band begins to play.

The double doors open, and Scott, dressed in a very nice pair of cargo shorts, a Universal Studio's t-shirt, and a pair of Reef flip flops, enters the room and approaches the podium.  Flashbulbs go off everywhere because it seems as though Scott forgot to zip up his zipper since visiting the "little realtor's room".  Linda points at his faux pas from the back of the room which Scott doesn't notice.  She quickly grabs her phone and within seconds, Scott's cell phone makes a fart sound indicating an incoming text.  Scott casually looks at the text and quickly turns around and fixes the mistake cursing internally at all the dang zippers that cargo shorts have.  He turns back around and calls for the light to be turned up.  The spotlight brightens and we can now see Scott in all his glory.  The room goes silent as he begins his important address.)

"HELLO CLEVELAND!!!!!!!!"  (He then flashes the "Rock on" sign with both hands raised in the air)
"ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!!!!!!" (The room looks at him as if he might have forgot his helmet)

*cricket, cricket*

"Sorry, I've always wanted to do that but it appears as though this esteemed room doesn't see the humor in it so I will get right into my address followed by taking some questions."

"Okay,  my address is, 1345 S. Walnut St."  (He then puts the dumbest grin on his face, but once again, crickets.)

"GET IT!!!  My ADDRESS!!!  HA, I KILL MYSELF!!!"

(Mystery voice) "We wish you would."

(Scott looks around for the voice but can't pinpoint who said it.)

"Hey.  That wasn't nice!"

"Fine.  I will get on with it then."  (He reaches into the left side pocket of his cargo shorts and pulls out a folded up piece of paper.  He unfolds it and begins to read.)

"Milk, Ex-Lax, Smooth Move Tea, Tamp. . . ." (He quickly folds up the paper and shoves it back in the pocket it came from)

"Sorry.  Wrong note." (He reaches in the right side pocket of his shorts and pulls out another piece of folded up paper.  He opens it and reads it to himself this time before speaking out loud.)

"Here we go.  Got the right one now."

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the press.  Followers of this blog, all 19 of you.  Cats and dogs worldwide.  I would like to report on the condition of Sweitzerland."

"I am happy to say that Sweitzerland is having a banner year so far as it relates to it's formal relations with Universal Studios Orlando.  Me and my cabinet have made several key visits to the country of Universal and I am sure that relations with those fine citizens will continue for a long time.  We were able to meet their newest monarch, Harry Potter, and I am proud to announce that with the arrival of this new king, the economy of Universal has made a dramatic turn around and all signs lead to them actually being able to update and expand different areas of their beautiful country.  They also announced that their Halloween Horror Nights 2010 event turned out to be a smashing hit with the citizens and that will also continue for many more years to come."

(You hear a female let out a small cheer from the back.  Everyone turns and sees that it is his wife Linda.  She blushes and looks down.)

"As you can see, the First Chick is happy with the progress we made with Universal this year.  She is such a patriot and I salute her."  (Scott salutes)

"Now I am also here to report on the recent unexpected growth of Sweitzerland.  It appears that I have been spending a little too much time sitting at the Peach house dinner table instead of out walking the streets drumming up support for the troops of Sweitzerland.  I am proud to say that I have just had a talk with the First Chick, and I have proposed that I will begin another huge walking campaign which also includes a cutting back on the national food known as ice cream and Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips. I will begin this campaign beginning Feb. 1st and so you all will see significant shrinkage in the BUTTget. .  . . .  .Ha!    Get it?  BUTT-GET???  Sounds like budget only refers to my BUTT!!!!   ANYONE????  . . . . . . .Sheesh.  Tough crowd."

"The economy of Sweitzerland has taken a cut from the latest economical hardships all over this world.  In fact, Sweitzerland's main source of income, Real estate, has continued to plummet.  I am currently looking at a couple possible scenarios that might increase the economical flow of Sweitzerland, but I'm thinking hard about raising the taxes for the rich citizens of my country because THAT WOULD ONLY MAKE SENSE.  Tax the people that HAVE the money and not the ones that don't.  I mean, what kind of idiot would keep on letting the richest people of this country get every tax break?   What kind of moron would keep letting the price of gas, food, utilities, and pretty much every other need go up day by day?  Who in their right mind would bail out the biggest abusers of money and corruption and not expect anything in return?  Sweitzerland is currently in debt for around 66 trillion dollars but for those of you interested,  after the press conference, I will be glad to show off my new car that I just bought."

"As far as our sports team, the DMB Destroyers, I am happy to report that they won the Super Bowl in their fantasy football league.  I know they had a tough season, but it's the end result that truly matters so I will definitely get to work on re-signing the greatest fantasy football manager in the world, ME!!!!   DMB!  DMB! DMB!"

(Scott turns the paper over.)

"I am sad to announce that the national band of Sweitzerland, The Dave Matthews Band, has decided to take 2011 off from touring.  I realize that they have been on tour for the past 19 years straight, so I really can't blame them for needing a break.  This will, however, leave a hole in the hearts of myself and the First Chick so you will sorely be missed.  Sweitzerland wishes The Dave Matthews Band a great break, but wishes them to hurry back in 2012."

"And on a final note, I'm proud to announce that the newspaper of Sweitzerland, The Mental Vomit, has now approached close to 800 times read.  If I just click on it 200 times more, I will have 1,000.  So due to the overwhelming response that I've had, I have decided to continue with the production of this blog.  Please hold your applause til the end."

"Now I will field questions. . . . . . . . . .You with the red shirt"

(The lady in the red shirt looks around and then gives Scott a surprised look)

Lady:  "Um. . . .I don't have a question."

Scott: "You sure?  I swear I saw your hand go up."

Lady: "I was just checking the time.  I have a real interview to do at 2:00."

Scott:  "Next question.  You in the tie.  Go Packers by the way."

Tie guy:  "Cheeseheads!!!!  You mentioned a new car.  Why didn't you buy it from me?  After all, I just got fired because of this stupid tie and I could have used the money."

Scott:  "Okay.  Great question but you my friend are a moron.  I would have told you I wanted the car and you would have just thought I was joking.   Next question.  You there in the back in the room with the hat on."

Hat Guy:  "Did you happen to hear that Cathy Cruz Marrero has turned out to be a crook.

Scott: "Who in the blue blazes is Cathey Cruz Moron-I-Know?"

Hat Guy:  "She's that lady that you went off on that fell in the fountain while texting.  It turns out that she's facing theft charges for running up co-workers credit cards.  She stole like $5,000 if I heard it right.

Scott:  "Wow.  Big surprise isn't it.  She had a pretty good reason to "fall in the fountain" didn't she.  I've looked at that footage a couple more times and it looks a little to staged if you ask me.  Once a con, always a con.  Next question.  You in the thong."

Thong guy:  "The name is Persimmonssssss.  What are your thoughts on Glee?  I just LUV, LUV, LUV that show."

Scott:  "WHAT IN THE HECK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH SWEITZERLAND YOU FRUITCAKE????   The fact that THAT show beat out Modern Family AND The Big Bang Theory at the Golden Globes just shows that taste has NOTHING to do with awards.  The next thing you are going to tell me is that "The Other Guys" didn't get nominated for an Academy."

Persimmons:  "Well . . . um. . . .it didn't."

Scott:  "Aghhhhhhhhh.  Mainstream media is a joke.  Let me guess, the Coen brothers got another nod for one of there movies?"

Persimmons:  "Yeah.  True Grit."

Scott:  "Like I said. . .a JOKE.  No Country for Old Men was the worst piece of garbage I've ever seen.  They should have called it, No Ending to this Crappy Movie."  
"Now I'm sick.  Unless there are any further questions from the crowd, I'm out of here!!!"

(Scott looks out to YOU.  The reading audience.  If you have any questions for Scott about anything, just leave a comment and he will answer them.  If not, then Scott stomps out of the room.)

SMILE!!!