I want my 362 days, 17 hours, 43 minutes, and 24 seconds back!!!!

First things first.  I happy to report that after my shameless plug on Facebook yesterday, expect more to follow, we are now up to 12 followers.  This still includes me because even I want to follow what I'm going to say, but at this rate, I should have like 100 followers in 2013.  If you are reading these and find anything remotely entertaining, then please sign up to follow me over there ----------->.  All you need is an email address and IT'S FREE!!!!!  (plug out to the way.  At least I didn't say ACT NOW!!!)

One interesting thing that I found out while looking at my stats on this whole blog business is that I actually had one person visit my blog from Germany and four people from Canada.  You know what that means don't you?   I'M AN INTERNATIONAL SENSATION BABY!!!!!! I am the David Hasselhoff of the blog community!!!!  So to my fan base in Germany I say, "Guten Tag" and to my fans in Canada I say, ". . . . .um . . . . Hello, Eh".  If you happen to be French Canadian, "Bonjour!, Eh".  Okay, now that the international greetings are out of the way, LET THE "PUKING" BEGIN!!!!

So far, most the topics for my "pukes" have been topics that I wanted to discuss or have had material on for a long time and had nothing to do with it.(the Mystery Line Farter poem)  However, today's came to me thanks to some stress that my wife, Linda, brought into my life for about the past three years.  I know that I just talked about the cats, but guess what?  I'm going to do it again.  Plus the reason I am blaming my wife for this topic is because SHE STARTED IT!!!!!  She is the one that began this routine and I will forever be annoyed and cursed with the repercussions of her actions, at least for the foreseeable future barring any "accidents" that might happen to the cats.  I AM just kidding about the "accident" part, because I did admit that I loved them, but just like kids, they truly put that love to the test on occasions.  Unfortunately, these occasions with the cats take place every morning.  Let me explain.

The 362 days, 17 hours, 43 minutes, and 24 seconds in the title are referring to the loss of sleep that I have accumulated over the past 4 + years of this marriage thanks to Linda training the cats that at 6:30 a.m., they get the "good food".  I say good food, but by the smell and texture of it, I am truly stretching it when I even call it food.  The cats however, act as if it is ground mice served over catnip crackers. 

They truly  have their little internal clocks set to this time, and Kane even has his set for earlier just so he doesn't miss out on this ritual.  We are talking about anywhere from 5 a.m. to 6:30 a.m. for Kane to start reminding ME that it is time for his breakfast.  Now Prissy knows that it is within the time frame, but she isn't as anal about it.  Kane, however, acts as if truly he might die if he doesn't get the good food quickly and promptly between those hours.  IT'S NOT AS IF HE HAS A WHOLE BOWL  OF HARD FOOD SITTING THERE ALL THE TIME.  No, that's not good enough for him, he must start his day with the wet, mushy ground up mystery substance that they call cat food.

Now let me also say this.  I don't have a very productive sleep pattern as it is.  I tend to stay up late because I know I'm not tired, then when I get in bed, I'm going to think/worry about a number of things before I finally doze off into a light slumber that a mouse fart would rouse me out of. I'm usually getting to sleep anywhere from 1 a.m. to 2 a.m. on average, so when I say 5 a.m. comes early, I'm not kidding!

Let me give you some idea on how most mornings go and let YOU decide if I have any reason to hold my wife responsible for creating this nightmare.

5:00-5:30 a.m. -  It usually starts with Kane headbutting the crap out of our bedroom door in order to announce his arrival.  I just know that if he could have fanfare music playing, he would.  Now when I say headbutt, I'm not exaggerating.  He manages to open the door all the way by this maneuver which serves two purposes.  A.)  It makes a noise loud enough for me to wake up and B.)  It lets enough light in the room to let me notice something is different.  I am the lucky one that sleeps on the side of the bed that the door is on, so I get the grand show EVERY morning.

5:30-6:00 a.m. - Kane will then jump on the bed.  Now if any of you have cats, you know that cats can be silent jumpers whenever they choose to be.  Trust me, I almost crapped myself one morning at the computer when I was typing late and Kane decided to come up and see me. I didn't hear a thing until he was right in front of me on the desk looking at me as I freaked out. They are stealthy by nature, so they can jump quietly at will.  Well Kane doesn't have the will at that point, he only has purpose.  I would liken it to someone throwing a 20 lb. bowling ball on to the bed.

The other think he will do immediately is purr.  Now not the normal cutesy purr, NO, this is a purr that is meant to wake the dead.  At that time in the morning, it is like the neighbor just cranked up his chainsaw to trim some trees right outside your window. 

Now it's important for you to understand how I sleep.  I'm a side sleeper and usually 99% of the time I am on my right side facing out of the bed.  My left arm is usually on my side holding the blanket up to me and my right arm is tucked under the pillow with my hand under my head.  Okay, you have the picture now.  So Kane will walk up and sit right between my knees and chest and just sit there staring at me and purring that whole "wake the dead" purr.

My first instinct is DO NOT MOVE A MUSCLE, don't let him know that he has already woken me up.  I don't want to get up and I don't want to reinforce this feeding schedule even though he knows that that is exactly what I am doing.  So he just sits there and purrs.  He knows that he will break me soon.

6:00-6:30 a.m. - He will continue with the staring and purring while inching closer and closer towards my exposed right arm.  He has plans for this arm if I don't react soon, so he wants to be close and ready to go on to Plan C, but first, he has to try Plan B.  Now Plan B is him "making bread" on the sheet.  If you are a cat owner, you will know what I'm talking about when I say "make bread".  "Making bread" refers to the action a cat makes when they use their front paws in a motion that looks like they are kneading dough.  It usually means they are happy and are getting comfortable, which doesn't refer to what Kane's Plan B is.  No, Kane, "makes bread" but he throws in the action of plucking the sheet with his claws.  So instead of it being a quiet activity as usual, it sounds more like a kid plucking on the strings of a guitar.  Yes, it's annoying as crap!!!  So if I am feeling stubborn, I won't respond to this yet.  I just lay there and control my anger while he does this, but he's not done with me yet.  OH NO!!!  NOT BY A LONG SHOT!!! 

6:30-6:45 a.m. - The reason he inched his way closer to my exposed arm is for Plan C.  What Plan C consists of is him reaching out his paw and petting the underside of my arm.  You know, the sensitive skin that is by your armpit underneath your bicep?  Now when I say petting, that's exactly what I mean.  He pets me!!!!  It's his way of saying, "Oh Father. Oh dear sweet Father.  I am here.  Would you be so kind as to get your large butt out of the bed and get me some good food?"  He, however, flicks his middle claw, just his middle claw, out slightly as if to let me know that he COULD use all his claws to really wake me.  So his petting is really him lightly scratching the sensitive skin under my arm hoping that this will surly get me into action.   Remember, I wasn't a cat person!!!!!

6:45 a.m. - I usually get angry at this point and shove him off the bed.

6:50 a.m. - After being shoved off the bed, he knows that he will have to employ alternative methods to get me angry enough to get up and feed him so he begins Plan D.

6:51 - 6:52 a.m. - He will walk around the room looking for something to play with.  It could be a plastic bag that might be lying on the floor from some item I might not have put up yet, it might be the curtains, or it might be the door.  He will proceed to scratch said item loudly until either me or Linda tell him to stop it.

6:53 a.m. - He will stop for a minute and then start up again resulting in a whole,

1. "Stop it Kane!"
2. Quiet
3. Rustle, Rustle, Scratch, Scratch
4. "STOP IT KANE"
5. Rinse and repeat about ten times until I get angry enough to get up.

7:00 a.m. - I jump up out of the bed to stop the madness that LINDA started, and the two cats run for the kitchen and meow all excited like it was SO NICE of me to wake up to feed them.  I slop the crap on to two plates and give it to them. I then stubble back to bed for whatever time left I have to sleep. Which gets broken up in roughly 5 minutes because after they eat, they want to go out with means more scratching at the door.  *SIGH*

Now I would have just saved myself a WHOLE lot of frustration if I would have just gotten up at the headbutt, but I'm not going to give into Kane's demands at that time because he will just start earlier the next day.  Trust me, Kane does not understand the meaning of daylight savings time, weekends, or being sick.  He only listens to what his little furry stomach clock says.  If you notice, I didn't say that he then goes over and does the same to Linda because he leaves her alone.  She starts the routine and I get to follow it.  What kind of crap is that????

So as I laid there this morning after only having roughly 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I knew what my next "puke" would be about.  It would be about the most persistent cat that I have ever met in my life and the crap that I have to go through EVERY MORNING thanks to my dear wife.  Thank you Linda and I mean it from the bottom of my heart!!!  I really do!

This might not have been my best "puke", but dog gone it, it was therapeutic.
Now I'm going to go take a nap!!!

Smile