(The room is dark except for a dimly lit podium. There are like 34 microphones surrounding the podium representing all the major news mediums like The West Virginia Grocer, Cat's Weekly, Gas & U, and even the big one, Intestinal Flu and You. There are many other reporters seated throughout the room and you can feel a buzz of excitement rising in the room as, "One Sweet World" by the Dave Matthews Band begins to play.
The double doors open, and Scott, dressed in a very nice pair of cargo shorts, a Universal Studio's t-shirt, and a pair of Reef flip flops, enters the room and approaches the podium. Flashbulbs go off everywhere because it seems as though Scott forgot to zip up his zipper since visiting the "little realtor's room". Linda points at his faux pas from the back of the room which Scott doesn't notice. She quickly grabs her phone and within seconds, Scott's cell phone makes a fart sound indicating an incoming text. Scott casually looks at the text and quickly turns around and fixes the mistake cursing internally at all the dang zippers that cargo shorts have. He turns back around and calls for the light to be turned up. The spotlight brightens and we can now see Scott in all his glory. The room goes silent as he begins his important address.)
"HELLO CLEVELAND!!!!!!!!" (He then flashes the "Rock on" sign with both hands raised in the air)
"ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!!!!!!" (The room looks at him as if he might have forgot his helmet)
*cricket, cricket*
"Sorry, I've always wanted to do that but it appears as though this esteemed room doesn't see the humor in it so I will get right into my address followed by taking some questions."
"Okay, my address is, 1345 S. Walnut St." (He then puts the dumbest grin on his face, but once again, crickets.)
"GET IT!!! My ADDRESS!!! HA, I KILL MYSELF!!!"
(Mystery voice) "We wish you would."
(Scott looks around for the voice but can't pinpoint who said it.)
"Hey. That wasn't nice!"
"Fine. I will get on with it then." (He reaches into the left side pocket of his cargo shorts and pulls out a folded up piece of paper. He unfolds it and begins to read.)
"Milk, Ex-Lax, Smooth Move Tea, Tamp. . . ." (He quickly folds up the paper and shoves it back in the pocket it came from)
"Sorry. Wrong note." (He reaches in the right side pocket of his shorts and pulls out another piece of folded up paper. He opens it and reads it to himself this time before speaking out loud.)
"Here we go. Got the right one now."
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the press. Followers of this blog, all 19 of you. Cats and dogs worldwide. I would like to report on the condition of Sweitzerland."
"I am happy to say that Sweitzerland is having a banner year so far as it relates to it's formal relations with Universal Studios Orlando. Me and my cabinet have made several key visits to the country of Universal and I am sure that relations with those fine citizens will continue for a long time. We were able to meet their newest monarch, Harry Potter, and I am proud to announce that with the arrival of this new king, the economy of Universal has made a dramatic turn around and all signs lead to them actually being able to update and expand different areas of their beautiful country. They also announced that their Halloween Horror Nights 2010 event turned out to be a smashing hit with the citizens and that will also continue for many more years to come."
(You hear a female let out a small cheer from the back. Everyone turns and sees that it is his wife Linda. She blushes and looks down.)
"As you can see, the First Chick is happy with the progress we made with Universal this year. She is such a patriot and I salute her." (Scott salutes)
"Now I am also here to report on the recent unexpected growth of Sweitzerland. It appears that I have been spending a little too much time sitting at the Peach house dinner table instead of out walking the streets drumming up support for the troops of Sweitzerland. I am proud to say that I have just had a talk with the First Chick, and I have proposed that I will begin another huge walking campaign which also includes a cutting back on the national food known as ice cream and Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips. I will begin this campaign beginning Feb. 1st and so you all will see significant shrinkage in the BUTTget. . . . . .Ha! Get it? BUTT-GET??? Sounds like budget only refers to my BUTT!!!! ANYONE???? . . . . . . .Sheesh. Tough crowd."
"The economy of Sweitzerland has taken a cut from the latest economical hardships all over this world. In fact, Sweitzerland's main source of income, Real estate, has continued to plummet. I am currently looking at a couple possible scenarios that might increase the economical flow of Sweitzerland, but I'm thinking hard about raising the taxes for the rich citizens of my country because THAT WOULD ONLY MAKE SENSE. Tax the people that HAVE the money and not the ones that don't. I mean, what kind of idiot would keep on letting the richest people of this country get every tax break? What kind of moron would keep letting the price of gas, food, utilities, and pretty much every other need go up day by day? Who in their right mind would bail out the biggest abusers of money and corruption and not expect anything in return? Sweitzerland is currently in debt for around 66 trillion dollars but for those of you interested, after the press conference, I will be glad to show off my new car that I just bought."
"As far as our sports team, the DMB Destroyers, I am happy to report that they won the Super Bowl in their fantasy football league. I know they had a tough season, but it's the end result that truly matters so I will definitely get to work on re-signing the greatest fantasy football manager in the world, ME!!!! DMB! DMB! DMB!"
(Scott turns the paper over.)
"I am sad to announce that the national band of Sweitzerland, The Dave Matthews Band, has decided to take 2011 off from touring. I realize that they have been on tour for the past 19 years straight, so I really can't blame them for needing a break. This will, however, leave a hole in the hearts of myself and the First Chick so you will sorely be missed. Sweitzerland wishes The Dave Matthews Band a great break, but wishes them to hurry back in 2012."
"And on a final note, I'm proud to announce that the newspaper of Sweitzerland, The Mental Vomit, has now approached close to 800 times read. If I just click on it 200 times more, I will have 1,000. So due to the overwhelming response that I've had, I have decided to continue with the production of this blog. Please hold your applause til the end."
"Now I will field questions. . . . . . . . . .You with the red shirt"
(The lady in the red shirt looks around and then gives Scott a surprised look)
Lady: "Um. . . .I don't have a question."
Scott: "You sure? I swear I saw your hand go up."
Lady: "I was just checking the time. I have a real interview to do at 2:00."
Scott: "Next question. You in the tie. Go Packers by the way."
Tie guy: "Cheeseheads!!!! You mentioned a new car. Why didn't you buy it from me? After all, I just got fired because of this stupid tie and I could have used the money."
Scott: "Okay. Great question but you my friend are a moron. I would have told you I wanted the car and you would have just thought I was joking. Next question. You there in the back in the room with the hat on."
Hat Guy: "Did you happen to hear that Cathy Cruz Marrero has turned out to be a crook.
Scott: "Who in the blue blazes is Cathey Cruz Moron-I-Know?"
Hat Guy: "She's that lady that you went off on that fell in the fountain while texting. It turns out that she's facing theft charges for running up co-workers credit cards. She stole like $5,000 if I heard it right.
Scott: "Wow. Big surprise isn't it. She had a pretty good reason to "fall in the fountain" didn't she. I've looked at that footage a couple more times and it looks a little to staged if you ask me. Once a con, always a con. Next question. You in the thong."
Thong guy: "The name is Persimmonssssss. What are your thoughts on Glee? I just LUV, LUV, LUV that show."
Scott: "WHAT IN THE HECK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH SWEITZERLAND YOU FRUITCAKE???? The fact that THAT show beat out Modern Family AND The Big Bang Theory at the Golden Globes just shows that taste has NOTHING to do with awards. The next thing you are going to tell me is that "The Other Guys" didn't get nominated for an Academy."
Persimmons: "Well . . . um. . . .it didn't."
Scott: "Aghhhhhhhhh. Mainstream media is a joke. Let me guess, the Coen brothers got another nod for one of there movies?"
Persimmons: "Yeah. True Grit."
Scott: "Like I said. . .a JOKE. No Country for Old Men was the worst piece of garbage I've ever seen. They should have called it, No Ending to this Crappy Movie."
"Now I'm sick. Unless there are any further questions from the crowd, I'm out of here!!!"
(Scott looks out to YOU. The reading audience. If you have any questions for Scott about anything, just leave a comment and he will answer them. If not, then Scott stomps out of the room.)
SMILE!!!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
My I Hate List!
Okay, so I shoot up a 4 a.m. thinking about this whole blog thing. What can I talk about next? Does anyone really care? I think I actually dreamed some topics. This is getting stupid if you ask me. *Sigh* A mind is a terrible thing to waste I guess, so I'll just keep posting and see what happens.
I've seen people in the past post "I Hate. . . " lists. Things that just really chaps your cheeks, burns your buns, or drives you to the brink of insanity. Things that while walking through your day you notice these things and make you wish "going postal" was a perfectly good defense in court. You could just look at the judge and say, "But your Honor. She was going to sue the mall because SHE fell in the fountain while texting. What else was I supposed to do?" Judge: "Not Guilty. She WAS an idiot!!!"
So I'm going to vent a little and see what shows up on my hate list. Don't really know what's going to show up so let's all go on this little journey together shall we? Open valve. Check! Release pressure. Check! Begin puking. CHECK!!!
My I Hate List
#1. I hate vegetables. Don't sit here and tell me how good they are for me. Don't care!!!! That's why they make vitamins.
#2. I hate spiders. Those are just plain creepy.
#3. I hate clowns. (see #2)
#4. I hate it when people can't count in the express lane. "It says 10 items. I'm seeing 22. I don't care if you're old. I'm still seeing 22." Then the cashier doesn't say a thing and there I stand with my Ben & Jerry's Playtime Playdough Paradise Ice Cream.
#5. I hate it when the same express lane person has 22 coupons. 10 of them scan fine, but the other 12, the cashier needs to pull each item back out of the bags to check them. My Ice Cream is now getting soft.
#6. I hate it when the SAME express lane person wants to pay with a check. A CHECK! REALLY? Who uses checks anymore. Of course, the huge sign that says cash or credit only right under the 10 ITEMS ONLY sign was ignored once again and the cashier DIDN'T SAY A WORD!!!! I now have a Playtime Playdough Paradise milkshake. Thanks IDIOT!!!!
#7. I hate Team Edward, Team Jacob, and Team Bella. Edward is a cross between the emo of Pearl Jam, and the gay of Wham. Jacob is nothing but a German Shepherd with abs. And Bella is a trouble making attention hog that is NOT good looking enough to warrant the attention. I'm for Team Van Helsing if he will go take them all out.
#8. I hate the word Cocoa! Don't ask me why because I really don't know the psyche behind it. It's been this way since high school. Maybe I had a bad Hot Cocoa accident as a kid that I've blocked out.
#9. I hate people that have NO discernible talent that have achieved stardom and riches. Here are a few examples: Paris Hilton, the Kardashians, the entire cast of Jersey Shore, that stupid little kid on YouTube that just lip syncs, any family that popped out kids like a Polaroid camera and got a T.V. show. If you can't sing, dance, tell jokes, act, or have anything important to say. . . .GO AWAY!!!!!
#10. I hate people that really and truly think that they are better than anyone else. Usually the kids that have rich parents and have never had to work a day in their lives that think they are actually important. I FART ON YOU!!!!
#11. I hate it when I can't remember someone's name but by the way they are acting, I'm their best friend on the planet.
#12. I hate people that take life too freaking serious and won't let themselves have fun. If you are wondering if this is you, did you get offended by #10's I FART ON YOU statement? *Ding, Ding, Ding* Crack a smile every once in awhile prune face. Life goes way to quick to suck lemons.
#13. I hate "friends" that I have to be the one that instigates every contact. You think a friendship is a two way street, but then you find out it's a one way and you are the only one driving. Then you finally wake up and realize, they just don't care. I don't have time anymore for those "friends".
#14. I hate people that play the bass so loud in their car that I almost crap myself because of the vibrations running through my colon. I get it, you need attention, but do you really think it has to come at the cost of my underwear? There is NO possible way you can understand the music inside your car. I just can't imagine what it sounds like for you.
#15. While I'm on the whole music topic. I hate the ones that pull into a parking lot, gas station, any public place and have all their windows down blaring the most profane garbage that even offends me. I don't want to fill my tank and have to listen to this talentless music that just uses the F word as a noun, pronoun, verb, adjective, adverb, and a dangling participle. . . .wait. . . .maybe that does take talent. Once again, I get it, you feel the need for attention but REALLY? Show a lick of common sense.
#16. I hate large crowds while shopping. I'm a big guy and I just try to stay out of everyone's way while Linda shops. So I will go stand by what I think is the most un-wanted item in the store, Hamster Snuggies, to be out of the way, but all of a sudden, EVERYONE wants to look at Hamster Snuggies!!!! Aghhhhhhhh. So I will move over to the Beet Peelers and guess what? Everyone needs to PEEL A FREAKING BEET!!!! I just can't win. Give me a concert crowd and I'm fine, but get me with insane shoppers and I will snap. Thank you Amazon.com for MY shopping pleasure.
#17. I hate it that I have 16 items on my I hate list and I'm not even close to being done but. . . . . . . .
I will wrap it up at those for now. This will let me do more later, meaning I have another part 2 in my bag of tricks in case I don't know what to "Puke" about one day. I know that this has been a hate topic but please do me a favor. . . .
SMILE!!!
I've seen people in the past post "I Hate. . . " lists. Things that just really chaps your cheeks, burns your buns, or drives you to the brink of insanity. Things that while walking through your day you notice these things and make you wish "going postal" was a perfectly good defense in court. You could just look at the judge and say, "But your Honor. She was going to sue the mall because SHE fell in the fountain while texting. What else was I supposed to do?" Judge: "Not Guilty. She WAS an idiot!!!"
So I'm going to vent a little and see what shows up on my hate list. Don't really know what's going to show up so let's all go on this little journey together shall we? Open valve. Check! Release pressure. Check! Begin puking. CHECK!!!
My I Hate List
#1. I hate vegetables. Don't sit here and tell me how good they are for me. Don't care!!!! That's why they make vitamins.
#2. I hate spiders. Those are just plain creepy.
#3. I hate clowns. (see #2)
#4. I hate it when people can't count in the express lane. "It says 10 items. I'm seeing 22. I don't care if you're old. I'm still seeing 22." Then the cashier doesn't say a thing and there I stand with my Ben & Jerry's Playtime Playdough Paradise Ice Cream.
#5. I hate it when the same express lane person has 22 coupons. 10 of them scan fine, but the other 12, the cashier needs to pull each item back out of the bags to check them. My Ice Cream is now getting soft.
#6. I hate it when the SAME express lane person wants to pay with a check. A CHECK! REALLY? Who uses checks anymore. Of course, the huge sign that says cash or credit only right under the 10 ITEMS ONLY sign was ignored once again and the cashier DIDN'T SAY A WORD!!!! I now have a Playtime Playdough Paradise milkshake. Thanks IDIOT!!!!
#7. I hate Team Edward, Team Jacob, and Team Bella. Edward is a cross between the emo of Pearl Jam, and the gay of Wham. Jacob is nothing but a German Shepherd with abs. And Bella is a trouble making attention hog that is NOT good looking enough to warrant the attention. I'm for Team Van Helsing if he will go take them all out.
#8. I hate the word Cocoa! Don't ask me why because I really don't know the psyche behind it. It's been this way since high school. Maybe I had a bad Hot Cocoa accident as a kid that I've blocked out.
#9. I hate people that have NO discernible talent that have achieved stardom and riches. Here are a few examples: Paris Hilton, the Kardashians, the entire cast of Jersey Shore, that stupid little kid on YouTube that just lip syncs, any family that popped out kids like a Polaroid camera and got a T.V. show. If you can't sing, dance, tell jokes, act, or have anything important to say. . . .GO AWAY!!!!!
#10. I hate people that really and truly think that they are better than anyone else. Usually the kids that have rich parents and have never had to work a day in their lives that think they are actually important. I FART ON YOU!!!!
#11. I hate it when I can't remember someone's name but by the way they are acting, I'm their best friend on the planet.
#12. I hate people that take life too freaking serious and won't let themselves have fun. If you are wondering if this is you, did you get offended by #10's I FART ON YOU statement? *Ding, Ding, Ding* Crack a smile every once in awhile prune face. Life goes way to quick to suck lemons.
#13. I hate "friends" that I have to be the one that instigates every contact. You think a friendship is a two way street, but then you find out it's a one way and you are the only one driving. Then you finally wake up and realize, they just don't care. I don't have time anymore for those "friends".
#14. I hate people that play the bass so loud in their car that I almost crap myself because of the vibrations running through my colon. I get it, you need attention, but do you really think it has to come at the cost of my underwear? There is NO possible way you can understand the music inside your car. I just can't imagine what it sounds like for you.
#15. While I'm on the whole music topic. I hate the ones that pull into a parking lot, gas station, any public place and have all their windows down blaring the most profane garbage that even offends me. I don't want to fill my tank and have to listen to this talentless music that just uses the F word as a noun, pronoun, verb, adjective, adverb, and a dangling participle. . . .wait. . . .maybe that does take talent. Once again, I get it, you feel the need for attention but REALLY? Show a lick of common sense.
#16. I hate large crowds while shopping. I'm a big guy and I just try to stay out of everyone's way while Linda shops. So I will go stand by what I think is the most un-wanted item in the store, Hamster Snuggies, to be out of the way, but all of a sudden, EVERYONE wants to look at Hamster Snuggies!!!! Aghhhhhhhh. So I will move over to the Beet Peelers and guess what? Everyone needs to PEEL A FREAKING BEET!!!! I just can't win. Give me a concert crowd and I'm fine, but get me with insane shoppers and I will snap. Thank you Amazon.com for MY shopping pleasure.
#17. I hate it that I have 16 items on my I hate list and I'm not even close to being done but. . . . . . . .
I will wrap it up at those for now. This will let me do more later, meaning I have another part 2 in my bag of tricks in case I don't know what to "Puke" about one day. I know that this has been a hate topic but please do me a favor. . . .
SMILE!!!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Final 2 of MY Favorite things!!!!
For those of you that have been keeping score, I have two more items on my top ten favorite technological advances in my brief. . .*cough, cough* . . . 42 . . . .*cough*. . . years. At the conclusion of my list, I would love for those that actually read these "pukes" to either weigh in on my top ten, or give me some things that I didn't include on my list that you would have. I'm not the final authority and I'm not saying that I am right on any of my items, I'm just giving you all MY top ten. I'm a bit of a geek, so your list might be completely different than mine. You might have disposable diapers on your list where I don't because I've never had to change diapers. You might have heated car seats on yours where I personally have no use for them because of two reasons. #1. I LIVE IN FLORIDA and #2. My butt has a layer of blubber to protect me from the cold. You might have the music of Justin Beiber because you have absolutely no taste in music at all and I could also say the same about Jersey Shore if it appears on your list too. "Oh no he didn't" "Oh YES I DID!!!"
So once again let's recap my list so far.
#10. Digital Camera
#9. Video Camera
#8. Mp3 Player
#7. GPS
#6. Shower Puffy Thingy and Shower Gel
#5. Kindle
#4. Cell Phones
#3. DVR
And now ladies and gentlemen. For your reading pleasure, or torture, I give you the final two!!!!
#2. Video Games - I was really torn on if this one was my true number one but I decided just 5 seconds ago that I have made the right decision. Video Games is number two and I'm sticking with it there.
For those of you that knew me "way back when", you know that I have always been a "gamer". There are two little quirks that I have always had, #1. A love for pro-wrestling . . .and. . . #2. Video Games. I'm sure there are some mothers out there that just cringed, but as far as I know, I'm not a maladjusted human that has no grasp of reality or is prone to violence. If you say that I am, . . .I WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!!!!! (A joke people!)
To let you know the video game appreciation that I have, I will say that I was the first people in the neighborhood to have PONG. If you don't know what that is, then *sigh*, you are too young. It came out in 1974 and hooked up to the T.V. You played the part of a line and you tried to save the village from getting hit by this perfectly square object. (That's the cool way to say it was tennis in its most basic form) I was hooked however and though that was the coolest thing I have ever seen at the time. I was able to play an actual video game inside my home. HOW COOL WAS THAT? No quarter had to leave my pocket and I could play it as many times as I wanted. So from that moment on, I was a "Gamer"
Whether it was running off to Rolling Acres Mall to spend my hard earned allowance in the arcade, or mashing the buttons on whatever controller was in my hand, I was in bliss with every *beep* and *blip*. I had to keep up with technology so whenever a gaming system would come out, I had to have it. From Pong I went to the Atari 2600, from there to Nintendo, Sega, back to Nintendo, back to Sega, to Sony Playstation, to Xbox, back to Sony for Playstation 2, then to my current consoles, Playstation 3 and Nintendo's Wii. I think there has only been a few systems that I have never owned at one point or the other. The first one was Matel's Intellivision. I hated that one because it had the hardest system for the controllers that I ever tried and I passed on Sega's Dreamcast, because I could tell that Sega was not going to be in the game long term.
Since I've always been a "gamer", I can tell you that the systems are pretty incredible now. You have Hi Def graphics matched by surround sound. You can now wiggle your butt in front of the screen and it will see you do that. You can work out, play golf, shoot strangers from all around the world, all from the comfort of your own living room. It truly is amazing. Linda gets the biggest kick out of me when she hears me playing online and getting killed. I make noises that sound like a cross between a zoo and a haunted house. There is nothing worse than getting "taken out" by some 12 year old from Germany. You know he's laughing at you but you can't understand what he's saying. Plus add the advances with Blu-tooth, and I can also sit there and carry on a conversation with someone 1500 miles away. I don't usually use my headset though, because I don't want them to hear all my "special" noises that I make when I play.
To those of you that swear that video games will rot your child's mind, I would have to say that I really don't agree with that at all. I see video games as a nice break from the day, a chance to take out aggression, and a great way to develop reflexes. I came across a cow standing in the middle of a road on a foggy night going 60. I had roughly 2 seconds from the time Linda screamed "COW" to avoiding it. By the grace of God and my fine tuned hours of video game reactions, I was able to steer around it in a finely controlled skid if I don't say so myself. You will never find me saying that video games are bad in child development, but don't let them live on it 24/7.
You have heard it said by NRA members, but I think I'm going to steal it for the moment.
"You can have my controller when you pry it out of my cold, dead hand"
Okay. On to number one. You can feel the excitement.
(Insert Drum roll here)
#1. The Internet/computers - I wonder how many people would have this at the top of their list. I wonder how many people would even remember TO put it on this list, but if you are reading this "puke" right now, it has to rate pretty high up because you are reading MY wonderful thoughts where ever you might be. Plus, you can even be a follower just by the touch of a few tabs. *hint, hint* I put these two together because to me, they pretty much go hand in hand. In retrospect, I probably should have separated them, but I just thought about the computer and it's too late to change. Sue me for screwing it up! I know the lady that fell in the fountain while texting would. (cheap shot)
Just think how far this little piece of technology has come. I think my very first brush with computers was over at a friends house. He had a Commodore 64. It took floppy discs and you had to know how to speak computer language to do anything with it. There was no Windows. You had to put C: and something. I think that's what made it so crazy back then for most because they truly were difficult to operate. There were like 25 commands you had to do just to get it to add 2 + 2. They were not user friendly AT ALL.
In college, the only computer that I knew of in the dorm was only used for Solitaire. I just looked at it as the most expensive Solitaire game that I had ever seen, but we would all line up for our turn to move the "5 of hearts" under the "6 of clubs". I still didn't see any major advantage to it. The games you would get for it were like so complicated. "Press S,F,W,G to move left or right. Press L,J,L,H to look around. Press T to shoot. Press B to aim. etc. I DON'T HAVE THAT MANY FINGERS!!!!!! Back to Solitaire!
Now, with very little knowledge, you can at least get on the Internet and browse your way through any topic that tickles your fancy. Yeah, I just said "tickles your fancy", I'm kind of shocked myself so let's just move on. The ability to access ANYTHING from just typing a few keywords is truly amazing. I had to look up the year PONG came out for home use and with in 10 seconds I had my answer. Thank you Wikipedia!
If it wasn't for the Internet and sites like MySpace, yeah, I know it's dead, and Facebook, I have been able to get back in contact with so many people from my past that I swore I would never see again. I am able to express my ideas, thoughts, and opinions on a open forum like this and anyone can read it. Of course, I would love MORE people to read it, so tell your friends. (shameless begging)
Just like many of the devices we have now, Cell Phones, GPS, Digital Cameras, Air Freshener, Oreos, we don't know how we functioned without the Internet. I would have loved to have the Internet when I was in school because of the wealth of information at your fingertips. I, instead, had to go to the library and try to decipher the Dewey Decimal System and the microfiche catalog, which wasn't easy, in the search for finding out where Benjamin Franklin went to the bathroom. I hate to sound old, but "The kids today have it easy."
Also without the Internet we wouldn't have the ability to watch this:
So once again let's recap my list so far.
#10. Digital Camera
#9. Video Camera
#8. Mp3 Player
#7. GPS
#6. Shower Puffy Thingy and Shower Gel
#5. Kindle
#4. Cell Phones
#3. DVR
And now ladies and gentlemen. For your reading pleasure, or torture, I give you the final two!!!!
#2. Video Games - I was really torn on if this one was my true number one but I decided just 5 seconds ago that I have made the right decision. Video Games is number two and I'm sticking with it there.
For those of you that knew me "way back when", you know that I have always been a "gamer". There are two little quirks that I have always had, #1. A love for pro-wrestling . . .and. . . #2. Video Games. I'm sure there are some mothers out there that just cringed, but as far as I know, I'm not a maladjusted human that has no grasp of reality or is prone to violence. If you say that I am, . . .I WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!!!!! (A joke people!)
To let you know the video game appreciation that I have, I will say that I was the first people in the neighborhood to have PONG. If you don't know what that is, then *sigh*, you are too young. It came out in 1974 and hooked up to the T.V. You played the part of a line and you tried to save the village from getting hit by this perfectly square object. (That's the cool way to say it was tennis in its most basic form) I was hooked however and though that was the coolest thing I have ever seen at the time. I was able to play an actual video game inside my home. HOW COOL WAS THAT? No quarter had to leave my pocket and I could play it as many times as I wanted. So from that moment on, I was a "Gamer"
Whether it was running off to Rolling Acres Mall to spend my hard earned allowance in the arcade, or mashing the buttons on whatever controller was in my hand, I was in bliss with every *beep* and *blip*. I had to keep up with technology so whenever a gaming system would come out, I had to have it. From Pong I went to the Atari 2600, from there to Nintendo, Sega, back to Nintendo, back to Sega, to Sony Playstation, to Xbox, back to Sony for Playstation 2, then to my current consoles, Playstation 3 and Nintendo's Wii. I think there has only been a few systems that I have never owned at one point or the other. The first one was Matel's Intellivision. I hated that one because it had the hardest system for the controllers that I ever tried and I passed on Sega's Dreamcast, because I could tell that Sega was not going to be in the game long term.
Since I've always been a "gamer", I can tell you that the systems are pretty incredible now. You have Hi Def graphics matched by surround sound. You can now wiggle your butt in front of the screen and it will see you do that. You can work out, play golf, shoot strangers from all around the world, all from the comfort of your own living room. It truly is amazing. Linda gets the biggest kick out of me when she hears me playing online and getting killed. I make noises that sound like a cross between a zoo and a haunted house. There is nothing worse than getting "taken out" by some 12 year old from Germany. You know he's laughing at you but you can't understand what he's saying. Plus add the advances with Blu-tooth, and I can also sit there and carry on a conversation with someone 1500 miles away. I don't usually use my headset though, because I don't want them to hear all my "special" noises that I make when I play.
To those of you that swear that video games will rot your child's mind, I would have to say that I really don't agree with that at all. I see video games as a nice break from the day, a chance to take out aggression, and a great way to develop reflexes. I came across a cow standing in the middle of a road on a foggy night going 60. I had roughly 2 seconds from the time Linda screamed "COW" to avoiding it. By the grace of God and my fine tuned hours of video game reactions, I was able to steer around it in a finely controlled skid if I don't say so myself. You will never find me saying that video games are bad in child development, but don't let them live on it 24/7.
You have heard it said by NRA members, but I think I'm going to steal it for the moment.
"You can have my controller when you pry it out of my cold, dead hand"
Okay. On to number one. You can feel the excitement.
(Insert Drum roll here)
#1. The Internet/computers - I wonder how many people would have this at the top of their list. I wonder how many people would even remember TO put it on this list, but if you are reading this "puke" right now, it has to rate pretty high up because you are reading MY wonderful thoughts where ever you might be. Plus, you can even be a follower just by the touch of a few tabs. *hint, hint* I put these two together because to me, they pretty much go hand in hand. In retrospect, I probably should have separated them, but I just thought about the computer and it's too late to change. Sue me for screwing it up! I know the lady that fell in the fountain while texting would. (cheap shot)
Just think how far this little piece of technology has come. I think my very first brush with computers was over at a friends house. He had a Commodore 64. It took floppy discs and you had to know how to speak computer language to do anything with it. There was no Windows. You had to put C: and something. I think that's what made it so crazy back then for most because they truly were difficult to operate. There were like 25 commands you had to do just to get it to add 2 + 2. They were not user friendly AT ALL.
In college, the only computer that I knew of in the dorm was only used for Solitaire. I just looked at it as the most expensive Solitaire game that I had ever seen, but we would all line up for our turn to move the "5 of hearts" under the "6 of clubs". I still didn't see any major advantage to it. The games you would get for it were like so complicated. "Press S,F,W,G to move left or right. Press L,J,L,H to look around. Press T to shoot. Press B to aim. etc. I DON'T HAVE THAT MANY FINGERS!!!!!! Back to Solitaire!
Now, with very little knowledge, you can at least get on the Internet and browse your way through any topic that tickles your fancy. Yeah, I just said "tickles your fancy", I'm kind of shocked myself so let's just move on. The ability to access ANYTHING from just typing a few keywords is truly amazing. I had to look up the year PONG came out for home use and with in 10 seconds I had my answer. Thank you Wikipedia!
If it wasn't for the Internet and sites like MySpace, yeah, I know it's dead, and Facebook, I have been able to get back in contact with so many people from my past that I swore I would never see again. I am able to express my ideas, thoughts, and opinions on a open forum like this and anyone can read it. Of course, I would love MORE people to read it, so tell your friends. (shameless begging)
Just like many of the devices we have now, Cell Phones, GPS, Digital Cameras, Air Freshener, Oreos, we don't know how we functioned without the Internet. I would have loved to have the Internet when I was in school because of the wealth of information at your fingertips. I, instead, had to go to the library and try to decipher the Dewey Decimal System and the microfiche catalog, which wasn't easy, in the search for finding out where Benjamin Franklin went to the bathroom. I hate to sound old, but "The kids today have it easy."
Also without the Internet we wouldn't have the ability to watch this:
or this:
This:
or even this:
Sorry. Couldn't let it go by without another shameless plug.
So there are my top ten. Now it's your turn. Give me your thoughts, your top ten, or just tell me what a genius I am. And on top of all that. . . . .
SMILE!!!!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
First Chaps my Cheeks Award!
I will return later with my final two favorite things, but every now and then I see something that crawls deep into my brain and just sits there and festers until I just have to vomit it out. This morning it happened. So I will now present you with my first "Chaps my Cheeks" award ceremony.
I try not to look at the T.V. in the morning because Linda watches the Today show every morning and I just find myself usually getting depressed by all the bad news that you get bombarded with in such a short amount of time. It's not that I'm closing my eyes to how bad the world is, I just choose to wait a little bit later on in the day to be reminded of it. However, this morning I found myself sitting down while talking to a friend and this video caught my attention.
Pretty funny video if you ask me. Some lady was texting while walking, didn't watch where she was going, and FELL INTO THE FOUNTAIN!!!!! Haahahahahahhahahahahahaha! Beautiful if you ask me. So I'm like well that was a funny way to start the day for a change. The Today show gave me something that made me laugh for a change instead of some doom and gloom. "Thank you Today show. Thank you for giving me a smile to walk out the door with. I might even start watching. . . . . . . WHAT. #@#$! I knew it wouldn't last."
What upset me? What could possibly ruin my day so quick after seeing something so stupidly funny? Here's what came next.
The idiot lady is now live and in the studio sitting next to some gentleman in a suit. I immediately knew what was coming. This gentleman wasn't her husband that wanted to share the laugh with all of us on how his wife wasn't paying attention and tripped into a fountain. NOOOOOOO. This was her lawyer talking about the lawsuit she was thinking about filing. A LAWSUIT OVER HER DUMB, CLUMSY, TEXTING, BONEHEAD SELF, FALLING IN A MALL FOUNTAIN!!!!!! AGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! REALLY???
This right here folks, is another example of what is so wrong with people today. No one wants to take responsibility for themselves. There is always someone to blame. There is always someone you can sue. It doesn't matter if it was 100% your fault, you can find someone to pin this on. So she is talking about suing the mall for not rushing to her aid and helping her. Watch the tape again folks, she hit the water, jumped up, and climbed out on her own. She then started to walk away immediately. SHE WAS FINE!!!!! The only injury that took place was her pride. You can't fix that with a band aid lady!!!!
Two things would have happened if that was me:
#1. You would have seen me get out of that fountain so freaking fast it would have looked like the Flash was in town. I would have not made any eye contact with a single soul as I ran out to my car. I would have driven home to change and then I probably would have "puked" about it just so others could laugh too.
or
#2. I would have done all the above until I found out that video was making the rounds. Then I would have come forward to make sure that everyone knew it was my dumb butt that did it so I could at least get my 15 minutes of fame off of it. After all, it was pretty stupid wasn't it? Might as well milked it for all the laughter it was worth.
Suing wouldn't even cross my mind!!! Then again, I'm pretty sure she didn't come up with the lawsuit on her own because she already proved she wasn't that bright to begin with by FALLING IN A FOUNTAIN WHILE TEXTING!!!!! *snicker* I'm pretty sure some hungry lawyer smelled the stupidity in the air and figured, "Hey. She's dumb enough to fall in a fountain while texting, I'm sure I can talk her into suing someone over it." Well, it worked and now the legal system has to deal with another person that can't just take responsibility for their own stupidity. I wonder if they will also try to sue the person she was texting to. That would make sense wouldn't it? My only hope is that whomever she hits while driving and texting sues the crap out of her and gets the money that she will probably get from this STUPID LAWSUIT. That is if the person she hits is still alive. Another life lesson left un-learned lady!!!!
So to you lady, I would state your name but I really don't think you deserve that much respect, I give you the very first . . . . . . . Chaps my Cheeks award. Congrats you moron!!!!!!!
I try not to look at the T.V. in the morning because Linda watches the Today show every morning and I just find myself usually getting depressed by all the bad news that you get bombarded with in such a short amount of time. It's not that I'm closing my eyes to how bad the world is, I just choose to wait a little bit later on in the day to be reminded of it. However, this morning I found myself sitting down while talking to a friend and this video caught my attention.
Pretty funny video if you ask me. Some lady was texting while walking, didn't watch where she was going, and FELL INTO THE FOUNTAIN!!!!! Haahahahahahhahahahahahaha! Beautiful if you ask me. So I'm like well that was a funny way to start the day for a change. The Today show gave me something that made me laugh for a change instead of some doom and gloom. "Thank you Today show. Thank you for giving me a smile to walk out the door with. I might even start watching. . . . . . . WHAT. #@#$! I knew it wouldn't last."
What upset me? What could possibly ruin my day so quick after seeing something so stupidly funny? Here's what came next.
The idiot lady is now live and in the studio sitting next to some gentleman in a suit. I immediately knew what was coming. This gentleman wasn't her husband that wanted to share the laugh with all of us on how his wife wasn't paying attention and tripped into a fountain. NOOOOOOO. This was her lawyer talking about the lawsuit she was thinking about filing. A LAWSUIT OVER HER DUMB, CLUMSY, TEXTING, BONEHEAD SELF, FALLING IN A MALL FOUNTAIN!!!!!! AGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! REALLY???
This right here folks, is another example of what is so wrong with people today. No one wants to take responsibility for themselves. There is always someone to blame. There is always someone you can sue. It doesn't matter if it was 100% your fault, you can find someone to pin this on. So she is talking about suing the mall for not rushing to her aid and helping her. Watch the tape again folks, she hit the water, jumped up, and climbed out on her own. She then started to walk away immediately. SHE WAS FINE!!!!! The only injury that took place was her pride. You can't fix that with a band aid lady!!!!
Two things would have happened if that was me:
#1. You would have seen me get out of that fountain so freaking fast it would have looked like the Flash was in town. I would have not made any eye contact with a single soul as I ran out to my car. I would have driven home to change and then I probably would have "puked" about it just so others could laugh too.
or
#2. I would have done all the above until I found out that video was making the rounds. Then I would have come forward to make sure that everyone knew it was my dumb butt that did it so I could at least get my 15 minutes of fame off of it. After all, it was pretty stupid wasn't it? Might as well milked it for all the laughter it was worth.
Suing wouldn't even cross my mind!!! Then again, I'm pretty sure she didn't come up with the lawsuit on her own because she already proved she wasn't that bright to begin with by FALLING IN A FOUNTAIN WHILE TEXTING!!!!! *snicker* I'm pretty sure some hungry lawyer smelled the stupidity in the air and figured, "Hey. She's dumb enough to fall in a fountain while texting, I'm sure I can talk her into suing someone over it." Well, it worked and now the legal system has to deal with another person that can't just take responsibility for their own stupidity. I wonder if they will also try to sue the person she was texting to. That would make sense wouldn't it? My only hope is that whomever she hits while driving and texting sues the crap out of her and gets the money that she will probably get from this STUPID LAWSUIT. That is if the person she hits is still alive. Another life lesson left un-learned lady!!!!
So to you lady, I would state your name but I really don't think you deserve that much respect, I give you the very first . . . . . . . Chaps my Cheeks award. Congrats you moron!!!!!!!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Part 2 of a Few of My Favorite Things!
I apologize for not having this up on Sunday night like I said, but HEY!!! ♪♫It's MY blog and I'll lie if I want to, lie if I want to, lie if I want to, You would lie to if it happened to you.♪♫
What happened to me? Well thanks for asking. I just spent the weekend playing tour guide for my good friend from college Steve, his wife, his sister, and her grand kids. We had a blast and I truly enjoyed showing them around my favorite place on earth, Universal Studios Orlando. Where the problem came in was that it was a rather cold weekend with highs getting in the upper 60's, but to us Floridians, THAT'S COLD. Well the two grand kids, Anna, 7 and Levi, 5 begged their grandma and Steve to take them on a water ride when they were at Disney on Friday, but because of the temperature, they told them no. So fast forward to Sunday and when the kids saw the Jurassic Park River Adventure at Islands of Adventure they began pleading again to no avail. Well Linda and I walked up to hear their little pleas and Steve told them to ask us. So they turned, and with their sweet little voices, they said, "Will you take us on the water ride?" What were we to do? We just got asked by two adorable kids if we would be their heroes. So instead of listening to reason and the fact that we really didn't want to get soaked in 60 degree weather, we said, "Sure. Let's do it!" The look on their faces were worth the price of admission right then. We were the coolest people that had ever walked the planet at that moment. I love seeing kids do the "happy dance" and Linda and me laughed the whole time in line as we awaited our doom. Needless to say, we got soaked!!! Everyone else had a nice dry jacket to slip on when they exited the ride except ME! So I got to walk around the rest of the day and evening wet. Got home Sunday night and I felt it coming on. Woke up Monday morning and I was sick. Small price to pay though for being the hero to two little kids that just wanted to ride a water ride during their vacation in Florida.
I'm finally feeling a little bit more normal so I will try to finish up my favorite things list. Let's recap what I have on my list so far.
#10. Digital Camera
#9. Video Camera
#8. Mp3 Player
#7. GPS
#6. Shower Puffy Thingy and Shower Gel
Okay. Now for the top five of my favorite things.
#5. Kindle - I only just got this for Christmas this past year, but it has already jumped into my number five position. I have been a reader since high school. I had some time that I needed to kill and someone suggested a book, "Eyes of the Dragon" by Stephen King if I remember right. I read that book and that was that, I was a reader. The guy that HATED to read his textbooks was now reading for fun. Stephen King became my go to guy in the beginning and I still remember actually being scared while reading "It" late at night. Plus add my fear of clowns into the mix and you had all my horrors lined up in that book.
I still love to read. I've usually stayed in the horror or fantasy realm, but I also get into biography's of people that interest me. The only problem that I have is that I usually only like to read at night. I will use it to help me go to sleep, but unfortunately, Linda goes to bed rather early and me being the night owl that I am, I wasn't able to read as much at I wanted to because I didn't want to wake her up. There is nothing more frustrating than trying to be quiet while finding your book in the dark, trying to find the book light, clipping the book light on the book, turning the book light on and hoping that the light doesn't hit her in the face like a laser, then trying to be quiet as you turn the pages. Of course, the batteries in the book lights tend to last only a couple days or so, so you usually turn it on only to get like 30 seconds of good light before it starts to dim. Pretty soon, you are holding the book so close to your face, it isn't worth the grief. But now. . . . .
BRING ON THE KINDLE!!!!!
Just download the book you want and, BAM!!!, there it is. Didn't kill a tree, no pages to turn, and I have a case for it that makes it feel like a book and has a book light that runs off the battery of the Kindle so I don't have to worry about it going dim on me. Just re-charge the Kindle once a week and it's good to go. No Fuss, No Muss. This thing is AWESOME!!!! I'm a reader again!!!!
#4. Cell Phone - I'm pretty sure that most everyone that is reading this could guess that this would appear on just about any ones list. It has gotten to a point that I really can't imagine life without a cell phone.
My first memories with a cell phone were the bag phones. If you are old enough to remember those, they were like carrying a separate purse that just had a phone attached to it. My mother was in real estate back then so having a cell phone was a necessity. I would watch her carry that thing and all I could think about was that one green army man that had the radio. You remember, the useless one. You had the rifle guy, the bazooka guy, the laying down guy, and the RADIO GUY!!!! Really???? He was the first to get the firecracker treatment!!! "Charlie, Breaker, Breake.. . . . . BOOM!!!!" (oops, bunny trail)
So anyways, after the bag phone came the brick phone. I call it that because it was like carrying a brick both in size and in weight. I never could understand who was THAT important that they needed to lug that thing around with them. Maybe the president, but that's about the only one I could justify.
Then they started to get smaller, that's when I jumped in. I think it was the mid 90's when I finally owned one. It was still the equvalent of carrying your home cordless phone around with you, but at least you could put it on your belt without your pants falling down. The rates were like 35 cents a minute and it only worked in about 5 locations in my city and that was only if I had my leg raised at a 90 degree angle and my torso pointed west. But . . . . .I WAS NOW COOL!!!!!
So now today, you can pretty much do anything with them. Browse the internet, check your e-mail, set http://www.scottsweitzer.blogspot.com/ as your home page, plus they are the size of your palm. All that plus they pretty much work everywhere without any limbs having to do anything. It's a two edged sword though. Sometimes you just don't want to be found but thanks to the cell phone, you will be found and bothered whenever and wherever you are. Granted though, it's a small price to pay for all the convenience. Ordering pizza has never been so easy!!!!
#3. DVR - For those of you that DON'T know what this is, it stands for Digital Video Recorder. It's the modern day version of the Beta max and VCR without all the hassle and grief that those two devices could give you from trying to tape one episode of Alf.
First off, there are no tapes to buy. No more having those huge VCR tapes laying around that you had NO IDEA what was on them because you were too lazy to write on the labels. There was nothing more frustrating than to know that you had Star Wars taped, but you didn't mark it. So you had to pop in tape after tape from the 56 tapes you had and sift through 23 episodes of "Magnum P.I.", 16 episodes of "Charles in Charge", and the mini series "Roots", just to find out that your mom accidentally taped half of "Murder She Wrote" over it. There was nothing worse than watching Luke Skywalker fighting off the Storm troopers, and the next thing you know, Angela Lansbury is staring at you. Talk about childhood scarring. I'm still in therapy over that. And Heaven forbid you had one of the video cameras that also took those tapes. You NEVER knew what you were going to get when you popped that tape in the ol' VCR. "Look! Billy's birth and Dad getting nailed in the testies by a baseball all in under 30 seconds of tape!"
Plus cutting out the commercials on those tapes meant that you ACTUALLY HAD TO WATCH THE EPISODE!!!! Kind of killed the whole reason for taping it didn't it? Now with the DVR. You just tell the thing what you want to tape and how often and that's that!!! Hate to steal this line but, "Just set it and forget it." Then when you feel like watching it, go right ahead. No more watching commercials, just fast forward through them in like 10 seconds and your are back to the show. I now find myself doing other things while the show is taping just so I won't have to ever watch commercials ever again.
Then the greatest thing about it is being able to pause live TV. That's right, I'm like a time traveler BABY!!! I can tell the little people in the box to stop for a second while I go get a bag of popcorn. Or, I might not be paying attention and miss out on what was just said and I can tell them to repeat it for me just by a touch of the rewind button. TALK ABOUT POWER!!!! Can a man have anymore control than that? I think not!!! "No YOU, shut up for a minute Gordon Ramsey!!! I need to go to the bathroom." Power I tell you. It's mine. . . .all mine. . . . .I will rule the world!!!! (insert maniacal laughter here)
Well being that my head is now hurting and it's getting hard to think, I think I will end this list for now. So if you are counting at home, that leaves two things left on my list of favorite things. I should be able to finish this puppy up tomorrow with the right medication. I'm sorry if some of this doesn't make sense, I think it does, but my head feels like a bowling ball moving through mud so thoughts were hard. I hope I did these three justice and excuse any mistakes. Oh right. . . . .
SMILE!!!
What happened to me? Well thanks for asking. I just spent the weekend playing tour guide for my good friend from college Steve, his wife, his sister, and her grand kids. We had a blast and I truly enjoyed showing them around my favorite place on earth, Universal Studios Orlando. Where the problem came in was that it was a rather cold weekend with highs getting in the upper 60's, but to us Floridians, THAT'S COLD. Well the two grand kids, Anna, 7 and Levi, 5 begged their grandma and Steve to take them on a water ride when they were at Disney on Friday, but because of the temperature, they told them no. So fast forward to Sunday and when the kids saw the Jurassic Park River Adventure at Islands of Adventure they began pleading again to no avail. Well Linda and I walked up to hear their little pleas and Steve told them to ask us. So they turned, and with their sweet little voices, they said, "Will you take us on the water ride?" What were we to do? We just got asked by two adorable kids if we would be their heroes. So instead of listening to reason and the fact that we really didn't want to get soaked in 60 degree weather, we said, "Sure. Let's do it!" The look on their faces were worth the price of admission right then. We were the coolest people that had ever walked the planet at that moment. I love seeing kids do the "happy dance" and Linda and me laughed the whole time in line as we awaited our doom. Needless to say, we got soaked!!! Everyone else had a nice dry jacket to slip on when they exited the ride except ME! So I got to walk around the rest of the day and evening wet. Got home Sunday night and I felt it coming on. Woke up Monday morning and I was sick. Small price to pay though for being the hero to two little kids that just wanted to ride a water ride during their vacation in Florida.
I'm finally feeling a little bit more normal so I will try to finish up my favorite things list. Let's recap what I have on my list so far.
#10. Digital Camera
#9. Video Camera
#8. Mp3 Player
#7. GPS
#6. Shower Puffy Thingy and Shower Gel
Okay. Now for the top five of my favorite things.
#5. Kindle - I only just got this for Christmas this past year, but it has already jumped into my number five position. I have been a reader since high school. I had some time that I needed to kill and someone suggested a book, "Eyes of the Dragon" by Stephen King if I remember right. I read that book and that was that, I was a reader. The guy that HATED to read his textbooks was now reading for fun. Stephen King became my go to guy in the beginning and I still remember actually being scared while reading "It" late at night. Plus add my fear of clowns into the mix and you had all my horrors lined up in that book.
I still love to read. I've usually stayed in the horror or fantasy realm, but I also get into biography's of people that interest me. The only problem that I have is that I usually only like to read at night. I will use it to help me go to sleep, but unfortunately, Linda goes to bed rather early and me being the night owl that I am, I wasn't able to read as much at I wanted to because I didn't want to wake her up. There is nothing more frustrating than trying to be quiet while finding your book in the dark, trying to find the book light, clipping the book light on the book, turning the book light on and hoping that the light doesn't hit her in the face like a laser, then trying to be quiet as you turn the pages. Of course, the batteries in the book lights tend to last only a couple days or so, so you usually turn it on only to get like 30 seconds of good light before it starts to dim. Pretty soon, you are holding the book so close to your face, it isn't worth the grief. But now. . . . .
BRING ON THE KINDLE!!!!!
Just download the book you want and, BAM!!!, there it is. Didn't kill a tree, no pages to turn, and I have a case for it that makes it feel like a book and has a book light that runs off the battery of the Kindle so I don't have to worry about it going dim on me. Just re-charge the Kindle once a week and it's good to go. No Fuss, No Muss. This thing is AWESOME!!!! I'm a reader again!!!!
#4. Cell Phone - I'm pretty sure that most everyone that is reading this could guess that this would appear on just about any ones list. It has gotten to a point that I really can't imagine life without a cell phone.
My first memories with a cell phone were the bag phones. If you are old enough to remember those, they were like carrying a separate purse that just had a phone attached to it. My mother was in real estate back then so having a cell phone was a necessity. I would watch her carry that thing and all I could think about was that one green army man that had the radio. You remember, the useless one. You had the rifle guy, the bazooka guy, the laying down guy, and the RADIO GUY!!!! Really???? He was the first to get the firecracker treatment!!! "Charlie, Breaker, Breake.. . . . . BOOM!!!!" (oops, bunny trail)
So anyways, after the bag phone came the brick phone. I call it that because it was like carrying a brick both in size and in weight. I never could understand who was THAT important that they needed to lug that thing around with them. Maybe the president, but that's about the only one I could justify.
Then they started to get smaller, that's when I jumped in. I think it was the mid 90's when I finally owned one. It was still the equvalent of carrying your home cordless phone around with you, but at least you could put it on your belt without your pants falling down. The rates were like 35 cents a minute and it only worked in about 5 locations in my city and that was only if I had my leg raised at a 90 degree angle and my torso pointed west. But . . . . .I WAS NOW COOL!!!!!
So now today, you can pretty much do anything with them. Browse the internet, check your e-mail, set http://www.scottsweitzer.blogspot.com/ as your home page, plus they are the size of your palm. All that plus they pretty much work everywhere without any limbs having to do anything. It's a two edged sword though. Sometimes you just don't want to be found but thanks to the cell phone, you will be found and bothered whenever and wherever you are. Granted though, it's a small price to pay for all the convenience. Ordering pizza has never been so easy!!!!
#3. DVR - For those of you that DON'T know what this is, it stands for Digital Video Recorder. It's the modern day version of the Beta max and VCR without all the hassle and grief that those two devices could give you from trying to tape one episode of Alf.
First off, there are no tapes to buy. No more having those huge VCR tapes laying around that you had NO IDEA what was on them because you were too lazy to write on the labels. There was nothing more frustrating than to know that you had Star Wars taped, but you didn't mark it. So you had to pop in tape after tape from the 56 tapes you had and sift through 23 episodes of "Magnum P.I.", 16 episodes of "Charles in Charge", and the mini series "Roots", just to find out that your mom accidentally taped half of "Murder She Wrote" over it. There was nothing worse than watching Luke Skywalker fighting off the Storm troopers, and the next thing you know, Angela Lansbury is staring at you. Talk about childhood scarring. I'm still in therapy over that. And Heaven forbid you had one of the video cameras that also took those tapes. You NEVER knew what you were going to get when you popped that tape in the ol' VCR. "Look! Billy's birth and Dad getting nailed in the testies by a baseball all in under 30 seconds of tape!"
Plus cutting out the commercials on those tapes meant that you ACTUALLY HAD TO WATCH THE EPISODE!!!! Kind of killed the whole reason for taping it didn't it? Now with the DVR. You just tell the thing what you want to tape and how often and that's that!!! Hate to steal this line but, "Just set it and forget it." Then when you feel like watching it, go right ahead. No more watching commercials, just fast forward through them in like 10 seconds and your are back to the show. I now find myself doing other things while the show is taping just so I won't have to ever watch commercials ever again.
Then the greatest thing about it is being able to pause live TV. That's right, I'm like a time traveler BABY!!! I can tell the little people in the box to stop for a second while I go get a bag of popcorn. Or, I might not be paying attention and miss out on what was just said and I can tell them to repeat it for me just by a touch of the rewind button. TALK ABOUT POWER!!!! Can a man have anymore control than that? I think not!!! "No YOU, shut up for a minute Gordon Ramsey!!! I need to go to the bathroom." Power I tell you. It's mine. . . .all mine. . . . .I will rule the world!!!! (insert maniacal laughter here)
Well being that my head is now hurting and it's getting hard to think, I think I will end this list for now. So if you are counting at home, that leaves two things left on my list of favorite things. I should be able to finish this puppy up tomorrow with the right medication. I'm sorry if some of this doesn't make sense, I think it does, but my head feels like a bowling ball moving through mud so thoughts were hard. I hope I did these three justice and excuse any mistakes. Oh right. . . . .
SMILE!!!
Friday, January 14, 2011
These are a few of my favorite things.
Hello all. Hope your weekend turns out to be great. I'm heading to Universal, so there is no way that it can't be good for me. Before I head out, I wanted to go ahead and "puke". I have been thinking about this topic for the past two days and I finally think I have my complete list. I wanted to "puke" on what are MY favorite technological advances that have occurred in my life span. I was born in 1968, so to save you the math, I'm 504 months old. (just seeing if you have read my other posts) I have seen some of the coolest changes take place and with the way things are going, there is a lot more to come. I'm a bit of a electronic geek and Linda has learned it's best to keep me out of Best Buy for our bank accounts good. So I have come up with my favorite ten "things" that I have been around to experience. I will give you the bottom five now and the top five on Sunday. LET THE PUKING BEGIN!!!!
#10. Digital Camera - When I was a child, we had those skinny sideways camera that had the big square flashbulb that you could get four flashes out of. You had to advance the film yourself and then you had to take it to be developed. Now remember, back then, we had to drop it off and then come back to pick it up like days later. Then you would get it and find out that out of the 36 pictures you took, 28 of them were of one of your fingers, 3 of them was of the ground, and 5 were good enough to keep. Not a great way to get those "life moments".
With digital cameras, we now have the ability to take just about as many pictures as we want and not worry about a thing. We can delete them immediately, or just wait until we put them on the computer. This is a huge plus for me because quite frankly, I DON'T PHOTOGRAPH WELL!!! You point a camera at me and say smile, you will end up with a cross between Shrek and Corky from the TV show "Live Goes On". I can't smile on command because I over think everything. "Am I grinning?, Am I smirking?, Am I showing too much teeth?, Do I look like a pedophile?" That is the soundtrack you would hear if you could. Then. . . *SNAP*. . . .Too late, I look ridiculous again. Linda on the other hand can look great in every photo, I wish I could do that but no, I got the goofy down pat. Thank God for the Digital Camera.
#9. Video Camera - If you know me or have followed me on Facebook, you know that I love doing videos. I'm quite the amateur producer, director, and actor if I don't say so myself. For the same reason I like the Digital Camera's ability to edit immediately, the new Digital Camcorders let me see what I just shot and lets me know if I have to crack the whip on the actors.
8mm was what my dad used when I was a kid, and only HE was allowed to touch it. Oh heavens me if I would have grabbed it to do a Persimmons video back then. Then watching them was such an ordeal. You had to pull out the projector and set it up like we were getting ready to watch a public service announcement for not driving our Big Wheel under the influence of Kool-Aid. You would have to put up the screen and then it was movie time. Of course, it was SILENT MOVIE time, because they had no sound back then. You wish you could have at least had a soundtrack to kill a little of the silence, but no, the only sound you might hear is your brother ripping a fart during the screening. Of course, that would lead to me laughing and then getting in trouble for it. *Sigh* Farts are funny!!!!!! Grow up people!!!!
#8. MP3 Players - Notice I didn't say the "I" word. Suck it Apple!!! Right now I'm using an RCA Mp3 player and it's perfectly fine for me. It holds like 1500 songs and I think I only have 900 in it now because I got bored putting them in. How many songs do I really need? I can walk four miles a day and not hear the same song twice for the week. I'd say that's fine. Plus I'm pretty sure the headphones weigh more than the device itself, so carrying it is a non-problem. My cell phone dwarfs it.
About the earliest portable music device that I can remember is the cassette players that you could hook on your belt. Trust me when I say, you had better hoped you didn't wear the pants that were just a little too big that day, because with the weight of that thing, you were going to show the world your Fruit of the Looms if you weren't paying attention. It was like carrying a brick on your hip. Then the headphones were actual headphones. You looked like you were either listening to Men at Work, or getting ready to land the Mars Rover. Todays headphones are nothing. Just an ear bud with wires and I'm pretty sure wireless headphones will be around pretty soon.
#7. GPS - Can you remember the trips you used to take as a family when you were a kid? Boy I can. Dad would always be the driver and Mom would always be the Navigator. Now back then, the Navigator actually had the toughest job of the whole trip. They had to un-fold and re-fold that blasted map to find out just where in the heck you were all heading. Of course, you always had the "Dad Moment" where he would not ask the Navigator where he was supposed to turn because "He knew where he was going." Then 20 minutes later, the Navigator would pull out the map just to inform the driver that they went the wrong way. Now that was some really good news to the children smashed in the back seat with the luggage poking them in the back of the head and a smell coming off your sister that smelled like spoiled milk. "OH GREAT!!! WE GET ANOTHER HOUR IN THE CAR! THANKS DAD!"
Bring on the creepy thing called Global Positioning System (GPS). Not only does it know exactly where you are, but it also knows where you are going and how to get there in the best way. It seems a little "Big Brother" to me, but if it can get me out of Atlanta in the middle of rush hour, I'm okay with it!!!! The only thing I hate is the NAGGING!!!! "In 200 ft. make a U-Turn. Make U-turn now *DING*. Why didn't you make that U-Turn you idiot? Do you even know how to drive? You must have gotten your license from Mongomery Wards." And it's in an English accent. Do I really need Simon Cowell telling me I'm lost? Thank God the new ones let me change the voices. I found one that said Stripper, but Linda didn't like that one too much. So I now have Grandma on it. She's so sweet, but I think she has Alzheimer because she keeps asking ME where we are going again. (Ba Dum Dum)
#6. Shower Puff Ball Thingy and Shower Gel - Okay, I'm going to have to show my estrogen here when I talk about this one. I LOVE MY SHOWER PUFF BALL!!!! Now I do have a blue one because I'm a MAN DANG IT!!! I hope you know what I'm talking about. It's the thing that replaced the wash cloth. It looks like a sponge ball only in cloth form. You squirt the shower gel on it and then a scrubbing you go. It's such a great feeling to feel that you are actually cleaning yourself. I just remember the wash cloth as being one of the most useless ways to clean.
You would rub the bar of soap on the wash cloth. Then start rubbing it on your body. The next thing you would know, you would hit a dry patch and your hand would keep going but the wash cloth would stay there. Then you would have to rinse and repeat like a hundred times. I would usually just give up on the wash cloth about half way through and just rub the bar of soap on me. Then you would look at the bar of soap, and there would always be ONE HAIR sticking to it. No matter what you tried, It wouldn't come off that soap. So you would just leave it for the next person and scar their bathing experience.
Thank you Shower Puff Thingy and Shower Gel. For once in my life I feel CLEAN!!!!!
Okay, there is the first five on my list. I will give you the next five Sunday night. Be thinking about your top ten favorites and we will compare notes once I'm done. Have a great weekend and. . . . . . .
SMILE!!!!
#10. Digital Camera - When I was a child, we had those skinny sideways camera that had the big square flashbulb that you could get four flashes out of. You had to advance the film yourself and then you had to take it to be developed. Now remember, back then, we had to drop it off and then come back to pick it up like days later. Then you would get it and find out that out of the 36 pictures you took, 28 of them were of one of your fingers, 3 of them was of the ground, and 5 were good enough to keep. Not a great way to get those "life moments".
With digital cameras, we now have the ability to take just about as many pictures as we want and not worry about a thing. We can delete them immediately, or just wait until we put them on the computer. This is a huge plus for me because quite frankly, I DON'T PHOTOGRAPH WELL!!! You point a camera at me and say smile, you will end up with a cross between Shrek and Corky from the TV show "Live Goes On". I can't smile on command because I over think everything. "Am I grinning?, Am I smirking?, Am I showing too much teeth?, Do I look like a pedophile?" That is the soundtrack you would hear if you could. Then. . . *SNAP*. . . .Too late, I look ridiculous again. Linda on the other hand can look great in every photo, I wish I could do that but no, I got the goofy down pat. Thank God for the Digital Camera.
#9. Video Camera - If you know me or have followed me on Facebook, you know that I love doing videos. I'm quite the amateur producer, director, and actor if I don't say so myself. For the same reason I like the Digital Camera's ability to edit immediately, the new Digital Camcorders let me see what I just shot and lets me know if I have to crack the whip on the actors.
8mm was what my dad used when I was a kid, and only HE was allowed to touch it. Oh heavens me if I would have grabbed it to do a Persimmons video back then. Then watching them was such an ordeal. You had to pull out the projector and set it up like we were getting ready to watch a public service announcement for not driving our Big Wheel under the influence of Kool-Aid. You would have to put up the screen and then it was movie time. Of course, it was SILENT MOVIE time, because they had no sound back then. You wish you could have at least had a soundtrack to kill a little of the silence, but no, the only sound you might hear is your brother ripping a fart during the screening. Of course, that would lead to me laughing and then getting in trouble for it. *Sigh* Farts are funny!!!!!! Grow up people!!!!
#8. MP3 Players - Notice I didn't say the "I" word. Suck it Apple!!! Right now I'm using an RCA Mp3 player and it's perfectly fine for me. It holds like 1500 songs and I think I only have 900 in it now because I got bored putting them in. How many songs do I really need? I can walk four miles a day and not hear the same song twice for the week. I'd say that's fine. Plus I'm pretty sure the headphones weigh more than the device itself, so carrying it is a non-problem. My cell phone dwarfs it.
About the earliest portable music device that I can remember is the cassette players that you could hook on your belt. Trust me when I say, you had better hoped you didn't wear the pants that were just a little too big that day, because with the weight of that thing, you were going to show the world your Fruit of the Looms if you weren't paying attention. It was like carrying a brick on your hip. Then the headphones were actual headphones. You looked like you were either listening to Men at Work, or getting ready to land the Mars Rover. Todays headphones are nothing. Just an ear bud with wires and I'm pretty sure wireless headphones will be around pretty soon.
#7. GPS - Can you remember the trips you used to take as a family when you were a kid? Boy I can. Dad would always be the driver and Mom would always be the Navigator. Now back then, the Navigator actually had the toughest job of the whole trip. They had to un-fold and re-fold that blasted map to find out just where in the heck you were all heading. Of course, you always had the "Dad Moment" where he would not ask the Navigator where he was supposed to turn because "He knew where he was going." Then 20 minutes later, the Navigator would pull out the map just to inform the driver that they went the wrong way. Now that was some really good news to the children smashed in the back seat with the luggage poking them in the back of the head and a smell coming off your sister that smelled like spoiled milk. "OH GREAT!!! WE GET ANOTHER HOUR IN THE CAR! THANKS DAD!"
Bring on the creepy thing called Global Positioning System (GPS). Not only does it know exactly where you are, but it also knows where you are going and how to get there in the best way. It seems a little "Big Brother" to me, but if it can get me out of Atlanta in the middle of rush hour, I'm okay with it!!!! The only thing I hate is the NAGGING!!!! "In 200 ft. make a U-Turn. Make U-turn now *DING*. Why didn't you make that U-Turn you idiot? Do you even know how to drive? You must have gotten your license from Mongomery Wards." And it's in an English accent. Do I really need Simon Cowell telling me I'm lost? Thank God the new ones let me change the voices. I found one that said Stripper, but Linda didn't like that one too much. So I now have Grandma on it. She's so sweet, but I think she has Alzheimer because she keeps asking ME where we are going again. (Ba Dum Dum)
#6. Shower Puff Ball Thingy and Shower Gel - Okay, I'm going to have to show my estrogen here when I talk about this one. I LOVE MY SHOWER PUFF BALL!!!! Now I do have a blue one because I'm a MAN DANG IT!!! I hope you know what I'm talking about. It's the thing that replaced the wash cloth. It looks like a sponge ball only in cloth form. You squirt the shower gel on it and then a scrubbing you go. It's such a great feeling to feel that you are actually cleaning yourself. I just remember the wash cloth as being one of the most useless ways to clean.
You would rub the bar of soap on the wash cloth. Then start rubbing it on your body. The next thing you would know, you would hit a dry patch and your hand would keep going but the wash cloth would stay there. Then you would have to rinse and repeat like a hundred times. I would usually just give up on the wash cloth about half way through and just rub the bar of soap on me. Then you would look at the bar of soap, and there would always be ONE HAIR sticking to it. No matter what you tried, It wouldn't come off that soap. So you would just leave it for the next person and scar their bathing experience.
Thank you Shower Puff Thingy and Shower Gel. For once in my life I feel CLEAN!!!!!
Okay, there is the first five on my list. I will give you the next five Sunday night. Be thinking about your top ten favorites and we will compare notes once I'm done. Have a great weekend and. . . . . . .
SMILE!!!!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Let's see what's hanging out up here.
Every once and a while, I need to clean out the attic of my head. I have so many thoughts running around up there, I find it cleansing to let them out every now and then. So let me stick my finger in the mouth of my mind and let's see what I "puke" up.
1. If all it takes to be famous is having a bubble butt and a sex tape like Kim Kardashian, then since I already have the bubble butt, will someone please hand me the video camera?
2. Ben & Jerry's makes so many delicious flavors of ice cream, but please, please, please let them introduce this brand new flavor: Ben & Jerry's Playtime Playdough Paradise Imagine how good that would smell!
3. Okay, since they charge extra for 2x size t-shirts, why don't they charge less for small?
4. Why do parents insist on saying the months of theirs childs age? Don't make me do the math. Just tell me their FREAKING AGE. If you ask me my age, I'm just going to tell you 504 months!!!!
5. Was the I-Pad REALLY the best name for it? Does it not work right every 28 days?
6. Am I REALLY too sexy for my shirt?
7. Why in the heck does diet food cost more than regular food? I'm getting less ingredients right?
8. If you play Justin Beiber's music backwards, will you hit puberty?
9. Why is it EVERY time I use a public restroom, I always enter the stall that someone with epilepse must have just came out of and they didn't even try?
10. There's Team Edward and Team Jacob. Why in the heck isn't there a Team Talent?
11. I really need to invent a headband to wear when I'm jogging/walking that says, "I have headphones on. I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!"
12. Okay, they say that the only thing left after a nuclear war will be cockroaches. I really think we need to add Keith Richards, Ozzy Osbourne, and Dick Clark to that list.
*cough. . . . cough. . . . spit* Okay. Purging complete. You are now free to move about the cabin.
Smile!!!!!
1. If all it takes to be famous is having a bubble butt and a sex tape like Kim Kardashian, then since I already have the bubble butt, will someone please hand me the video camera?
2. Ben & Jerry's makes so many delicious flavors of ice cream, but please, please, please let them introduce this brand new flavor: Ben & Jerry's Playtime Playdough Paradise Imagine how good that would smell!
3. Okay, since they charge extra for 2x size t-shirts, why don't they charge less for small?
4. Why do parents insist on saying the months of theirs childs age? Don't make me do the math. Just tell me their FREAKING AGE. If you ask me my age, I'm just going to tell you 504 months!!!!
5. Was the I-Pad REALLY the best name for it? Does it not work right every 28 days?
6. Am I REALLY too sexy for my shirt?
7. Why in the heck does diet food cost more than regular food? I'm getting less ingredients right?
8. If you play Justin Beiber's music backwards, will you hit puberty?
9. Why is it EVERY time I use a public restroom, I always enter the stall that someone with epilepse must have just came out of and they didn't even try?
10. There's Team Edward and Team Jacob. Why in the heck isn't there a Team Talent?
11. I really need to invent a headband to wear when I'm jogging/walking that says, "I have headphones on. I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!"
12. Okay, they say that the only thing left after a nuclear war will be cockroaches. I really think we need to add Keith Richards, Ozzy Osbourne, and Dick Clark to that list.
*cough. . . . cough. . . . spit* Okay. Purging complete. You are now free to move about the cabin.
Smile!!!!!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
"The Hills are Alive. . . .
. . . .with the sound of music." I can almost picture myself on the top of the Swiss Alps singing at the top of my lungs as I run down the mountainside. I am not a member of the Von Trapp family however, I am from the lesser known family, the Von Crapps. Then, as I go into my first spin, the strap of my lederhosen falls down and trips me. Now thanks to gravity and my oversized body, I begin the process of stumbling downhill trying so hard not to fall on my face. Of course, I lose that battle quickly, because. . . well. . . fat people don't do well in these situations, and I end up face down in a rather warm and moist cow patty that a Swiss cow decided to leave there! . . . . . . . . . . . AND . . . . . . . . . . CUT!!!!!!
Okay, I'm back now. I tend to drift off into fantasy land every now and then. Well where were we? Oh right! I was getting ready to "puke" again. Thanks for those that have voted and by the look of it, I'm doing okay with this thing so I guess I will keep going.
Let's see, I've talked a little on getting old, a lot on the cats, some potty humor in poetry form, and my opinion on movies. So what could be next? Oh. . . I know. . . let's talk about one of my favorite things. . . . MUSIC!!!!
Music has always had a huge influence on my life. I think it started back in my room as a child and I heard Abba's "Dancing Queen" and it actually made me dance. I'll give you all a moment to insert your jokes right now. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Done? Good! I think each and everyone of us can look back at a time and pick out the music of the time and have good memories. It's kind of like our own little personal soundtrack that defined good moments and some bad moments. Some of us, it was country music, some rock, some gospel, some polka, some classical, but it was SOME kind of music that we can look back at and have ourselves a good ol' memory. Now let me state right here and now, I'm NOT a country fan. In fact, I'm still in therapy for an obsession that I had back in the early 70's with Kenny Rogers and the First Edition. I will swear that "Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)" and "Somethings Burning" are NOT country songs, so I think my reputation is still intact. Nani Nani Boo Boo!!!
Here, see for yourself:
Wow!!!!! I just watched that and I don't think Mom and Dad knew I was listening to a song about drugs. Lol. So now I'm sure it wasn't country, all is now right in the world.
For me, music takes me back. I can remember sitting in the basement of my house in the 70's and listening to the album,(for you youngens, it was a large, round, black plastic disk a little bigger than a dinner plate, that you played on a record player) Saturday Night Fever by the Bee Gees. I would just play it over and over and over until someone would make me stop. What could I do though? I had Disco Fever!!!
Then in 1980, my neighborhood friend had me listen to "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne and I was absolutely blown away. It sounded so different than anything I had ever heard before and I was hooked. I don't know what it was about it, but I took that "Heavy Metal" sound with me from that moment on and even now, 30 years later, I have Ozzy's new song, "Life Won't Wait for You" as my ringtone. I'm trying to take some of the lyrics to heart as it applies to what I really want to do with myself, because life doesn't wait for anyone.
Now if I would have to pinpoint a musical era that I am part of, it would be the 80's. To me, I can listen to song after song from that era and it brings back so many memories. Where I was when I heard it, what I was doing, and who I was with. I think we all have those types of songs. The ones that transport us back to a moment and we smile. The 80's produced, in my opinion, some of the best songs EVER to fall in love to. They also produced some of the best "break-up" songs that would just rub salt in that wound that you called your heart during that time. In the 80's, we would declare "our song". The song that defined who you were as a couple. I can remember Bryan Adams, "Heaven" and Peter Cetera's, "Glory of Love" being a huge part of that time for me.
Then you had two groups that were the Kings of Love and the Kings of Break-ups all at the same time. Chicago and Air Supply!!!! Chicago's, "You're the Inspiration" was a great love song, but once you broke up, you couldn't get away from the song, "Hard Habit to Break". With songs like, "All out of Love", "Here I am", and "Without you", Air Supply could turn any strong jock into a blubbering idiot after being dumped by a girl. How do I know? *sniff* I'm not telling. *sniff* If you ever were dumped back in that time, you will know what I mean when I say that you COULDN'T get away from those songs after being dumped!!! It didn't matter if you were in your car, in a store, sitting at home, you would hear one of those songs. There is a scene from the 80's movie, "Better Off Dead" where John Cusack's character just got dumped. He's driving around and EVERY radio station he tunes to is playing some sappy break-up song. He ends up ripping the radio out of the car and throwing it out the window. Classic scene that rang OH SO TRUE!!! Oh the joys of love in the 80's.
I got to thinking about this topic and I thought, "Hey, this is my blog. So I am free to talk about myself all I want." So since I decided to talk about music, I'm going to share two of the most influential songs that have come across in my life. Don't get me wrong, there are so many more that I would say made an impression, but I will only bore you with two main ones. One bad memory and one sad memory that really turned into a great one.
I tend to have certain "Go To" artists during times of my life. If I'm feeling down, I will usually head over to Peter Gabriel land and have a good long visit. There is something about his music that reaches deep within me and "talks" to me. I know that sounds weird if you have never experienced it, but trust me, it exists in my crazy world. I think the best way I could describe my relationship with his music is to say that I can actually feel the emotion that is taking place in the song. Just recently, on the final episode of Scrubs, they played "Book of Love" by him and I will admit it, I teared up from all the emotion that was in that moment. I just have this "thing" with his music that is really hard to explain. I hope you have your own, because it truly is a special relationship. (Wow does that make me sound like a psycho) ANYWAYS. Back to the moment.
I was in college and due to some circumstances in my life, I found myself at the bottom. Now when I say bottom, I mean I was at that point in my life that I was questioning life and why should I bother being in it anymore. Now do I think that I was going to commit suicide? I would have to say no, but I also won't say the thought didn't cross my mind. I'm sure each and everyone of us has that moment where we say, "Why Bother" . . . . Well this was my moment and I just wanted the pain to end. Now I have a strong faith in God and I know that He was the one that got me through this, but I believe He threw this Peter Gabriel song at me when I needed it most. The name of the song is, "Don't Give Up". Now while the song really is talking about a man's despair about the economy, it still spoke volumes to me when Kate Bush sang the part,
"Don't give up.
'Cos you have friends.
Don't give up.
You're not beaten yet.
Don't give up
I know you can make it good"
Then later in the song the truth was driven home.
"Don't give up
you still have us
Don't give up
we don't need much of anything
Don't give up
'cause somewhere there's a place
where we belong"
"Rest your head
you worry too much
it's going to be alright
when times get rough
you can fall back on us
don't give up
please don't give up"
Here's the song.
Those lyrics hit me like a sledgehammer, not the later Peter Gabriel song, but it was as if I was punched in the brain. Just a simple couple of phrases set to a haunting melody turned my attitude around. I realized at that moment that I needed to NOT GIVE UP. I still get chills with that song because it was such a huge moment in my life. On a side note, Peter Gabriel helped me once again with the song "I Grieve" when I put my English Bulldog Kong to sleep. I still can get choked up when I hear that song.
Now the second life changing song goes to my favorite band, the Dave Matthews Band. This song was one that was another slap in my face as to just what was I doing at the time. This took place in September of 2004. I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship that pretty much left me gutted and pretty much lost. I was just kind of bouncing around in relationships that were not getting me anywhere. I had been invited to attend a memorial by a childhood friend for their brother Jeff that had died from cancer a year before. I was always good friends with the family but I had lost touch with all of them over the years. I will save the details for a later date as to all that happened to bring me to where we are today, but I will focus on the one moment that this song knocked me over. I will say for now that Jeff's sister, Linda is now my best friend, my world, and my wife. That's another story for another day.
Without going into all the details, I will say that the few days I stayed with the family at the house they rented really put things into perspective for me. After a few years of feeling lost, I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Her family was so great. Now Linda was there and trust me when I say, NOTHING HAPPENED between us. We were always great friends in school and even though we hadn't seen each other in roughly 18 years, it was like we never had lost a beat as far as our friendship went when we saw each other that weekend. Well when the day came that I had to leave to drive the 8 hours home, I found myself not wanting to leave. Everything just felt so right there. I ended up walking on the beach for like three hours with Linda and just talking. It finally got to the point that I had to leave, so I said my goodbyes and got in the car. I pulled out on the road leaving the place and the very first line I heard from the radio was, "Where are you going?" by the Dave Matthews Band. Who would have known where this one was going to take me?
Talk about a no truer question at that moment for me! "WHERE WAS I GOING?" I can so clearly remember the tears that came up at that moment. It was like God once again said, "Pay attention My son!!!" Once again that sledgehammer had found its home. A seed was planted at the moment that would grow over the next two years that would bring me to what I have today with my wife Linda. Some day I will tell the whole tale, but I have already taken up too much of your time with this one.
I will just leave it at this. Music can lift you up, tear you down, bring you joy, bring you sadness, make you smile, make you cry, it can do so many things. I love music and cherish it because of all these things and I hope you have YOUR SONGS too.
Smile!!!!
Okay, I'm back now. I tend to drift off into fantasy land every now and then. Well where were we? Oh right! I was getting ready to "puke" again. Thanks for those that have voted and by the look of it, I'm doing okay with this thing so I guess I will keep going.
Let's see, I've talked a little on getting old, a lot on the cats, some potty humor in poetry form, and my opinion on movies. So what could be next? Oh. . . I know. . . let's talk about one of my favorite things. . . . MUSIC!!!!
Music has always had a huge influence on my life. I think it started back in my room as a child and I heard Abba's "Dancing Queen" and it actually made me dance. I'll give you all a moment to insert your jokes right now. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Done? Good! I think each and everyone of us can look back at a time and pick out the music of the time and have good memories. It's kind of like our own little personal soundtrack that defined good moments and some bad moments. Some of us, it was country music, some rock, some gospel, some polka, some classical, but it was SOME kind of music that we can look back at and have ourselves a good ol' memory. Now let me state right here and now, I'm NOT a country fan. In fact, I'm still in therapy for an obsession that I had back in the early 70's with Kenny Rogers and the First Edition. I will swear that "Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)" and "Somethings Burning" are NOT country songs, so I think my reputation is still intact. Nani Nani Boo Boo!!!
Here, see for yourself:
Wow!!!!! I just watched that and I don't think Mom and Dad knew I was listening to a song about drugs. Lol. So now I'm sure it wasn't country, all is now right in the world.
For me, music takes me back. I can remember sitting in the basement of my house in the 70's and listening to the album,(for you youngens, it was a large, round, black plastic disk a little bigger than a dinner plate, that you played on a record player) Saturday Night Fever by the Bee Gees. I would just play it over and over and over until someone would make me stop. What could I do though? I had Disco Fever!!!
Then in 1980, my neighborhood friend had me listen to "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne and I was absolutely blown away. It sounded so different than anything I had ever heard before and I was hooked. I don't know what it was about it, but I took that "Heavy Metal" sound with me from that moment on and even now, 30 years later, I have Ozzy's new song, "Life Won't Wait for You" as my ringtone. I'm trying to take some of the lyrics to heart as it applies to what I really want to do with myself, because life doesn't wait for anyone.
Now if I would have to pinpoint a musical era that I am part of, it would be the 80's. To me, I can listen to song after song from that era and it brings back so many memories. Where I was when I heard it, what I was doing, and who I was with. I think we all have those types of songs. The ones that transport us back to a moment and we smile. The 80's produced, in my opinion, some of the best songs EVER to fall in love to. They also produced some of the best "break-up" songs that would just rub salt in that wound that you called your heart during that time. In the 80's, we would declare "our song". The song that defined who you were as a couple. I can remember Bryan Adams, "Heaven" and Peter Cetera's, "Glory of Love" being a huge part of that time for me.
Then you had two groups that were the Kings of Love and the Kings of Break-ups all at the same time. Chicago and Air Supply!!!! Chicago's, "You're the Inspiration" was a great love song, but once you broke up, you couldn't get away from the song, "Hard Habit to Break". With songs like, "All out of Love", "Here I am", and "Without you", Air Supply could turn any strong jock into a blubbering idiot after being dumped by a girl. How do I know? *sniff* I'm not telling. *sniff* If you ever were dumped back in that time, you will know what I mean when I say that you COULDN'T get away from those songs after being dumped!!! It didn't matter if you were in your car, in a store, sitting at home, you would hear one of those songs. There is a scene from the 80's movie, "Better Off Dead" where John Cusack's character just got dumped. He's driving around and EVERY radio station he tunes to is playing some sappy break-up song. He ends up ripping the radio out of the car and throwing it out the window. Classic scene that rang OH SO TRUE!!! Oh the joys of love in the 80's.
I got to thinking about this topic and I thought, "Hey, this is my blog. So I am free to talk about myself all I want." So since I decided to talk about music, I'm going to share two of the most influential songs that have come across in my life. Don't get me wrong, there are so many more that I would say made an impression, but I will only bore you with two main ones. One bad memory and one sad memory that really turned into a great one.
I tend to have certain "Go To" artists during times of my life. If I'm feeling down, I will usually head over to Peter Gabriel land and have a good long visit. There is something about his music that reaches deep within me and "talks" to me. I know that sounds weird if you have never experienced it, but trust me, it exists in my crazy world. I think the best way I could describe my relationship with his music is to say that I can actually feel the emotion that is taking place in the song. Just recently, on the final episode of Scrubs, they played "Book of Love" by him and I will admit it, I teared up from all the emotion that was in that moment. I just have this "thing" with his music that is really hard to explain. I hope you have your own, because it truly is a special relationship. (Wow does that make me sound like a psycho) ANYWAYS. Back to the moment.
I was in college and due to some circumstances in my life, I found myself at the bottom. Now when I say bottom, I mean I was at that point in my life that I was questioning life and why should I bother being in it anymore. Now do I think that I was going to commit suicide? I would have to say no, but I also won't say the thought didn't cross my mind. I'm sure each and everyone of us has that moment where we say, "Why Bother" . . . . Well this was my moment and I just wanted the pain to end. Now I have a strong faith in God and I know that He was the one that got me through this, but I believe He threw this Peter Gabriel song at me when I needed it most. The name of the song is, "Don't Give Up". Now while the song really is talking about a man's despair about the economy, it still spoke volumes to me when Kate Bush sang the part,
"Don't give up.
'Cos you have friends.
Don't give up.
You're not beaten yet.
Don't give up
I know you can make it good"
Then later in the song the truth was driven home.
"Don't give up
you still have us
Don't give up
we don't need much of anything
Don't give up
'cause somewhere there's a place
where we belong"
"Rest your head
you worry too much
it's going to be alright
when times get rough
you can fall back on us
don't give up
please don't give up"
Here's the song.
Those lyrics hit me like a sledgehammer, not the later Peter Gabriel song, but it was as if I was punched in the brain. Just a simple couple of phrases set to a haunting melody turned my attitude around. I realized at that moment that I needed to NOT GIVE UP. I still get chills with that song because it was such a huge moment in my life. On a side note, Peter Gabriel helped me once again with the song "I Grieve" when I put my English Bulldog Kong to sleep. I still can get choked up when I hear that song.
Now the second life changing song goes to my favorite band, the Dave Matthews Band. This song was one that was another slap in my face as to just what was I doing at the time. This took place in September of 2004. I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship that pretty much left me gutted and pretty much lost. I was just kind of bouncing around in relationships that were not getting me anywhere. I had been invited to attend a memorial by a childhood friend for their brother Jeff that had died from cancer a year before. I was always good friends with the family but I had lost touch with all of them over the years. I will save the details for a later date as to all that happened to bring me to where we are today, but I will focus on the one moment that this song knocked me over. I will say for now that Jeff's sister, Linda is now my best friend, my world, and my wife. That's another story for another day.
Without going into all the details, I will say that the few days I stayed with the family at the house they rented really put things into perspective for me. After a few years of feeling lost, I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Her family was so great. Now Linda was there and trust me when I say, NOTHING HAPPENED between us. We were always great friends in school and even though we hadn't seen each other in roughly 18 years, it was like we never had lost a beat as far as our friendship went when we saw each other that weekend. Well when the day came that I had to leave to drive the 8 hours home, I found myself not wanting to leave. Everything just felt so right there. I ended up walking on the beach for like three hours with Linda and just talking. It finally got to the point that I had to leave, so I said my goodbyes and got in the car. I pulled out on the road leaving the place and the very first line I heard from the radio was, "Where are you going?" by the Dave Matthews Band. Who would have known where this one was going to take me?
Talk about a no truer question at that moment for me! "WHERE WAS I GOING?" I can so clearly remember the tears that came up at that moment. It was like God once again said, "Pay attention My son!!!" Once again that sledgehammer had found its home. A seed was planted at the moment that would grow over the next two years that would bring me to what I have today with my wife Linda. Some day I will tell the whole tale, but I have already taken up too much of your time with this one.
I will just leave it at this. Music can lift you up, tear you down, bring you joy, bring you sadness, make you smile, make you cry, it can do so many things. I love music and cherish it because of all these things and I hope you have YOUR SONGS too.
Smile!!!!
Monday, January 10, 2011
New Poll is Up!!!!
There is a new poll I put up over on the right hand side of this page.(------->) I want these "pukes" to be something that you want to read so I would like your opinion on the content that I have done so far. Please take a second, I timed it and it took just a hair over a second, and let me know what you think so far. This will help me know if I am doing what I set out to do from the beginning.
Or if you have any topics or requests that you would like my opinion on, just leave a comment on this "puke" and I will do my best to address it.
Thank you in advance,
Smile!!!
Or if you have any topics or requests that you would like my opinion on, just leave a comment on this "puke" and I will do my best to address it.
Thank you in advance,
Smile!!!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I want my 362 days, 17 hours, 43 minutes, and 24 seconds back!!!!
First things first. I happy to report that after my shameless plug on Facebook yesterday, expect more to follow, we are now up to 12 followers. This still includes me because even I want to follow what I'm going to say, but at this rate, I should have like 100 followers in 2013. If you are reading these and find anything remotely entertaining, then please sign up to follow me over there ----------->. All you need is an email address and IT'S FREE!!!!! (plug out to the way. At least I didn't say ACT NOW!!!)
One interesting thing that I found out while looking at my stats on this whole blog business is that I actually had one person visit my blog from Germany and four people from Canada. You know what that means don't you? I'M AN INTERNATIONAL SENSATION BABY!!!!!! I am the David Hasselhoff of the blog community!!!! So to my fan base in Germany I say, "Guten Tag" and to my fans in Canada I say, ". . . . .um . . . . Hello, Eh". If you happen to be French Canadian, "Bonjour!, Eh". Okay, now that the international greetings are out of the way, LET THE "PUKING" BEGIN!!!!
So far, most the topics for my "pukes" have been topics that I wanted to discuss or have had material on for a long time and had nothing to do with it.(the Mystery Line Farter poem) However, today's came to me thanks to some stress that my wife, Linda, brought into my life for about the past three years. I know that I just talked about the cats, but guess what? I'm going to do it again. Plus the reason I am blaming my wife for this topic is because SHE STARTED IT!!!!! She is the one that began this routine and I will forever be annoyed and cursed with the repercussions of her actions, at least for the foreseeable future barring any "accidents" that might happen to the cats. I AM just kidding about the "accident" part, because I did admit that I loved them, but just like kids, they truly put that love to the test on occasions. Unfortunately, these occasions with the cats take place every morning. Let me explain.
The 362 days, 17 hours, 43 minutes, and 24 seconds in the title are referring to the loss of sleep that I have accumulated over the past 4 + years of this marriage thanks to Linda training the cats that at 6:30 a.m., they get the "good food". I say good food, but by the smell and texture of it, I am truly stretching it when I even call it food. The cats however, act as if it is ground mice served over catnip crackers.
They truly have their little internal clocks set to this time, and Kane even has his set for earlier just so he doesn't miss out on this ritual. We are talking about anywhere from 5 a.m. to 6:30 a.m. for Kane to start reminding ME that it is time for his breakfast. Now Prissy knows that it is within the time frame, but she isn't as anal about it. Kane, however, acts as if truly he might die if he doesn't get the good food quickly and promptly between those hours. IT'S NOT AS IF HE HAS A WHOLE BOWL OF HARD FOOD SITTING THERE ALL THE TIME. No, that's not good enough for him, he must start his day with the wet, mushy ground up mystery substance that they call cat food.
Now let me also say this. I don't have a very productive sleep pattern as it is. I tend to stay up late because I know I'm not tired, then when I get in bed, I'm going to think/worry about a number of things before I finally doze off into a light slumber that a mouse fart would rouse me out of. I'm usually getting to sleep anywhere from 1 a.m. to 2 a.m. on average, so when I say 5 a.m. comes early, I'm not kidding!
Let me give you some idea on how most mornings go and let YOU decide if I have any reason to hold my wife responsible for creating this nightmare.
5:00-5:30 a.m. - It usually starts with Kane headbutting the crap out of our bedroom door in order to announce his arrival. I just know that if he could have fanfare music playing, he would. Now when I say headbutt, I'm not exaggerating. He manages to open the door all the way by this maneuver which serves two purposes. A.) It makes a noise loud enough for me to wake up and B.) It lets enough light in the room to let me notice something is different. I am the lucky one that sleeps on the side of the bed that the door is on, so I get the grand show EVERY morning.
5:30-6:00 a.m. - Kane will then jump on the bed. Now if any of you have cats, you know that cats can be silent jumpers whenever they choose to be. Trust me, I almost crapped myself one morning at the computer when I was typing late and Kane decided to come up and see me. I didn't hear a thing until he was right in front of me on the desk looking at me as I freaked out. They are stealthy by nature, so they can jump quietly at will. Well Kane doesn't have the will at that point, he only has purpose. I would liken it to someone throwing a 20 lb. bowling ball on to the bed.
The other think he will do immediately is purr. Now not the normal cutesy purr, NO, this is a purr that is meant to wake the dead. At that time in the morning, it is like the neighbor just cranked up his chainsaw to trim some trees right outside your window.
Now it's important for you to understand how I sleep. I'm a side sleeper and usually 99% of the time I am on my right side facing out of the bed. My left arm is usually on my side holding the blanket up to me and my right arm is tucked under the pillow with my hand under my head. Okay, you have the picture now. So Kane will walk up and sit right between my knees and chest and just sit there staring at me and purring that whole "wake the dead" purr.
My first instinct is DO NOT MOVE A MUSCLE, don't let him know that he has already woken me up. I don't want to get up and I don't want to reinforce this feeding schedule even though he knows that that is exactly what I am doing. So he just sits there and purrs. He knows that he will break me soon.
6:00-6:30 a.m. - He will continue with the staring and purring while inching closer and closer towards my exposed right arm. He has plans for this arm if I don't react soon, so he wants to be close and ready to go on to Plan C, but first, he has to try Plan B. Now Plan B is him "making bread" on the sheet. If you are a cat owner, you will know what I'm talking about when I say "make bread". "Making bread" refers to the action a cat makes when they use their front paws in a motion that looks like they are kneading dough. It usually means they are happy and are getting comfortable, which doesn't refer to what Kane's Plan B is. No, Kane, "makes bread" but he throws in the action of plucking the sheet with his claws. So instead of it being a quiet activity as usual, it sounds more like a kid plucking on the strings of a guitar. Yes, it's annoying as crap!!! So if I am feeling stubborn, I won't respond to this yet. I just lay there and control my anger while he does this, but he's not done with me yet. OH NO!!! NOT BY A LONG SHOT!!!
6:30-6:45 a.m. - The reason he inched his way closer to my exposed arm is for Plan C. What Plan C consists of is him reaching out his paw and petting the underside of my arm. You know, the sensitive skin that is by your armpit underneath your bicep? Now when I say petting, that's exactly what I mean. He pets me!!!! It's his way of saying, "Oh Father. Oh dear sweet Father. I am here. Would you be so kind as to get your large butt out of the bed and get me some good food?" He, however, flicks his middle claw, just his middle claw, out slightly as if to let me know that he COULD use all his claws to really wake me. So his petting is really him lightly scratching the sensitive skin under my arm hoping that this will surly get me into action. Remember, I wasn't a cat person!!!!!
6:45 a.m. - I usually get angry at this point and shove him off the bed.
6:50 a.m. - After being shoved off the bed, he knows that he will have to employ alternative methods to get me angry enough to get up and feed him so he begins Plan D.
6:51 - 6:52 a.m. - He will walk around the room looking for something to play with. It could be a plastic bag that might be lying on the floor from some item I might not have put up yet, it might be the curtains, or it might be the door. He will proceed to scratch said item loudly until either me or Linda tell him to stop it.
6:53 a.m. - He will stop for a minute and then start up again resulting in a whole,
1. "Stop it Kane!"
2. Quiet
3. Rustle, Rustle, Scratch, Scratch
4. "STOP IT KANE"
5. Rinse and repeat about ten times until I get angry enough to get up.
7:00 a.m. - I jump up out of the bed to stop the madness that LINDA started, and the two cats run for the kitchen and meow all excited like it was SO NICE of me to wake up to feed them. I slop the crap on to two plates and give it to them. I then stubble back to bed for whatever time left I have to sleep. Which gets broken up in roughly 5 minutes because after they eat, they want to go out with means more scratching at the door. *SIGH*
Now I would have just saved myself a WHOLE lot of frustration if I would have just gotten up at the headbutt, but I'm not going to give into Kane's demands at that time because he will just start earlier the next day. Trust me, Kane does not understand the meaning of daylight savings time, weekends, or being sick. He only listens to what his little furry stomach clock says. If you notice, I didn't say that he then goes over and does the same to Linda because he leaves her alone. She starts the routine and I get to follow it. What kind of crap is that????
So as I laid there this morning after only having roughly 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I knew what my next "puke" would be about. It would be about the most persistent cat that I have ever met in my life and the crap that I have to go through EVERY MORNING thanks to my dear wife. Thank you Linda and I mean it from the bottom of my heart!!! I really do!
This might not have been my best "puke", but dog gone it, it was therapeutic.
Now I'm going to go take a nap!!!
Smile
One interesting thing that I found out while looking at my stats on this whole blog business is that I actually had one person visit my blog from Germany and four people from Canada. You know what that means don't you? I'M AN INTERNATIONAL SENSATION BABY!!!!!! I am the David Hasselhoff of the blog community!!!! So to my fan base in Germany I say, "Guten Tag" and to my fans in Canada I say, ". . . . .um . . . . Hello, Eh". If you happen to be French Canadian, "Bonjour!, Eh". Okay, now that the international greetings are out of the way, LET THE "PUKING" BEGIN!!!!
So far, most the topics for my "pukes" have been topics that I wanted to discuss or have had material on for a long time and had nothing to do with it.(the Mystery Line Farter poem) However, today's came to me thanks to some stress that my wife, Linda, brought into my life for about the past three years. I know that I just talked about the cats, but guess what? I'm going to do it again. Plus the reason I am blaming my wife for this topic is because SHE STARTED IT!!!!! She is the one that began this routine and I will forever be annoyed and cursed with the repercussions of her actions, at least for the foreseeable future barring any "accidents" that might happen to the cats. I AM just kidding about the "accident" part, because I did admit that I loved them, but just like kids, they truly put that love to the test on occasions. Unfortunately, these occasions with the cats take place every morning. Let me explain.
The 362 days, 17 hours, 43 minutes, and 24 seconds in the title are referring to the loss of sleep that I have accumulated over the past 4 + years of this marriage thanks to Linda training the cats that at 6:30 a.m., they get the "good food". I say good food, but by the smell and texture of it, I am truly stretching it when I even call it food. The cats however, act as if it is ground mice served over catnip crackers.
They truly have their little internal clocks set to this time, and Kane even has his set for earlier just so he doesn't miss out on this ritual. We are talking about anywhere from 5 a.m. to 6:30 a.m. for Kane to start reminding ME that it is time for his breakfast. Now Prissy knows that it is within the time frame, but she isn't as anal about it. Kane, however, acts as if truly he might die if he doesn't get the good food quickly and promptly between those hours. IT'S NOT AS IF HE HAS A WHOLE BOWL OF HARD FOOD SITTING THERE ALL THE TIME. No, that's not good enough for him, he must start his day with the wet, mushy ground up mystery substance that they call cat food.
Now let me also say this. I don't have a very productive sleep pattern as it is. I tend to stay up late because I know I'm not tired, then when I get in bed, I'm going to think/worry about a number of things before I finally doze off into a light slumber that a mouse fart would rouse me out of. I'm usually getting to sleep anywhere from 1 a.m. to 2 a.m. on average, so when I say 5 a.m. comes early, I'm not kidding!
Let me give you some idea on how most mornings go and let YOU decide if I have any reason to hold my wife responsible for creating this nightmare.
5:00-5:30 a.m. - It usually starts with Kane headbutting the crap out of our bedroom door in order to announce his arrival. I just know that if he could have fanfare music playing, he would. Now when I say headbutt, I'm not exaggerating. He manages to open the door all the way by this maneuver which serves two purposes. A.) It makes a noise loud enough for me to wake up and B.) It lets enough light in the room to let me notice something is different. I am the lucky one that sleeps on the side of the bed that the door is on, so I get the grand show EVERY morning.
5:30-6:00 a.m. - Kane will then jump on the bed. Now if any of you have cats, you know that cats can be silent jumpers whenever they choose to be. Trust me, I almost crapped myself one morning at the computer when I was typing late and Kane decided to come up and see me. I didn't hear a thing until he was right in front of me on the desk looking at me as I freaked out. They are stealthy by nature, so they can jump quietly at will. Well Kane doesn't have the will at that point, he only has purpose. I would liken it to someone throwing a 20 lb. bowling ball on to the bed.
The other think he will do immediately is purr. Now not the normal cutesy purr, NO, this is a purr that is meant to wake the dead. At that time in the morning, it is like the neighbor just cranked up his chainsaw to trim some trees right outside your window.
Now it's important for you to understand how I sleep. I'm a side sleeper and usually 99% of the time I am on my right side facing out of the bed. My left arm is usually on my side holding the blanket up to me and my right arm is tucked under the pillow with my hand under my head. Okay, you have the picture now. So Kane will walk up and sit right between my knees and chest and just sit there staring at me and purring that whole "wake the dead" purr.
My first instinct is DO NOT MOVE A MUSCLE, don't let him know that he has already woken me up. I don't want to get up and I don't want to reinforce this feeding schedule even though he knows that that is exactly what I am doing. So he just sits there and purrs. He knows that he will break me soon.
6:00-6:30 a.m. - He will continue with the staring and purring while inching closer and closer towards my exposed right arm. He has plans for this arm if I don't react soon, so he wants to be close and ready to go on to Plan C, but first, he has to try Plan B. Now Plan B is him "making bread" on the sheet. If you are a cat owner, you will know what I'm talking about when I say "make bread". "Making bread" refers to the action a cat makes when they use their front paws in a motion that looks like they are kneading dough. It usually means they are happy and are getting comfortable, which doesn't refer to what Kane's Plan B is. No, Kane, "makes bread" but he throws in the action of plucking the sheet with his claws. So instead of it being a quiet activity as usual, it sounds more like a kid plucking on the strings of a guitar. Yes, it's annoying as crap!!! So if I am feeling stubborn, I won't respond to this yet. I just lay there and control my anger while he does this, but he's not done with me yet. OH NO!!! NOT BY A LONG SHOT!!!
6:30-6:45 a.m. - The reason he inched his way closer to my exposed arm is for Plan C. What Plan C consists of is him reaching out his paw and petting the underside of my arm. You know, the sensitive skin that is by your armpit underneath your bicep? Now when I say petting, that's exactly what I mean. He pets me!!!! It's his way of saying, "Oh Father. Oh dear sweet Father. I am here. Would you be so kind as to get your large butt out of the bed and get me some good food?" He, however, flicks his middle claw, just his middle claw, out slightly as if to let me know that he COULD use all his claws to really wake me. So his petting is really him lightly scratching the sensitive skin under my arm hoping that this will surly get me into action. Remember, I wasn't a cat person!!!!!
6:45 a.m. - I usually get angry at this point and shove him off the bed.
6:50 a.m. - After being shoved off the bed, he knows that he will have to employ alternative methods to get me angry enough to get up and feed him so he begins Plan D.
6:51 - 6:52 a.m. - He will walk around the room looking for something to play with. It could be a plastic bag that might be lying on the floor from some item I might not have put up yet, it might be the curtains, or it might be the door. He will proceed to scratch said item loudly until either me or Linda tell him to stop it.
6:53 a.m. - He will stop for a minute and then start up again resulting in a whole,
1. "Stop it Kane!"
2. Quiet
3. Rustle, Rustle, Scratch, Scratch
4. "STOP IT KANE"
5. Rinse and repeat about ten times until I get angry enough to get up.
7:00 a.m. - I jump up out of the bed to stop the madness that LINDA started, and the two cats run for the kitchen and meow all excited like it was SO NICE of me to wake up to feed them. I slop the crap on to two plates and give it to them. I then stubble back to bed for whatever time left I have to sleep. Which gets broken up in roughly 5 minutes because after they eat, they want to go out with means more scratching at the door. *SIGH*
Now I would have just saved myself a WHOLE lot of frustration if I would have just gotten up at the headbutt, but I'm not going to give into Kane's demands at that time because he will just start earlier the next day. Trust me, Kane does not understand the meaning of daylight savings time, weekends, or being sick. He only listens to what his little furry stomach clock says. If you notice, I didn't say that he then goes over and does the same to Linda because he leaves her alone. She starts the routine and I get to follow it. What kind of crap is that????
So as I laid there this morning after only having roughly 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I knew what my next "puke" would be about. It would be about the most persistent cat that I have ever met in my life and the crap that I have to go through EVERY MORNING thanks to my dear wife. Thank you Linda and I mean it from the bottom of my heart!!! I really do!
This might not have been my best "puke", but dog gone it, it was therapeutic.
Now I'm going to go take a nap!!!
Smile
Friday, January 7, 2011
Be kind with your behind!
Another late night so it's time to "puke". I really don't know if I will be "puking" every day, but what can I say, it's been an active week in the ol' cranium. I've talked about getting old, I've talked about movies, and I've talked about my indoctrination to the wonderful world of cats. I'm sure all three topics will be visited time and time again as the world around me changes. I already have more I want to "puke" about my cats, but I will switch gears for the moment and talk about a topic that is near and dear to me and my family. I'm sure each and everyone of us has had this issue sometime in life, so I figured since it happens to us a lot because we frequent Universal Studios regularly and spend a lot of time in lines, I might as well get it off my chest and raise awareness of this problem and make it known that we will find you and make you pay. Of course, by the title of this "puke", I'm talking about the . . . . .
You know what I'm talking about. You are standing in a line somewhere and the line isn't moving to fast. All of a sudden, you catch a whiff of a toxic odor that could peel the paint off of your car. It can only be from some inconsiderate boob in front of you or behind you because you know that it didn't come from you. The worst part about the whole experience is whenever that smell hits, that line isn't going to budge an inch until you get the entire bouquet of this particular butt land mine. You can't step forward and you can't step back so no matter what you do, you have been sucked into this "brown hole". There is nothing you can do now but dissect the aroma and try to figure out what the culprit had for breakfast that morning. "It smells like they had a poop and bacon omelet" and you swear that you can taste it.
The next step in this "crappy" dilemma you have found yourself in, is the thought that suddenly shoots into your mind,"Oh Crap. I hope the people around me don't think it's me." You already know that they do, but you must do something that gets the blame off of your behind on onto someone else. So what do we do? We make a overly horrible face and then break into Shakspearian acting that would make Sir William proud. We look around to EVERYONE around us and then start waving our hand in front of our fact. We might even plug our nose as we keep looking around and then in a louder voice than normal say, "Oooooooo. What stinks?" Even though we know what stinks, we are not letting on yet that we know it came from someones Crack Crevice. We want the people around us to put Number 2 and Number 2 (poop reference. . . Ha!) together on their own so we can form a fart posse right then and there and let the offending owner know that WE KNOW he, or she did it. Of course, NO ONE is going to admit to it or publicly apologize for the offending odor that has spread out over the crowd, but at long as no one thinks it was us, it's okay.
There is almost nothing worse in this world as standing in line to ride the new Harry Potter Ride at Universal Studios and having this offense happen to you. First, we all have been sweating horribly in the Florida heat which brings its own smell, second, we have all eaten junk food for most of the day, and third, we are all wearing shorts. So this "thunder from down under" will have very little resistance on getting its tendrils to your nostril. So to say that this line experience will be nothing short of magical for ALL the wrong reasons, is quite the understatement. My whole family has become pros in the whole Playhouse 90 routine to make sure our heinies are not held to blame, but there is always the doubt in my mind that they will take one look at my large frame and automatically match the smell up to my tush.
So to you Mystery Line Farter, I give you some words straight from the bottom of my heart. In fact, I will even write them in poetry form so all of us can recite the words to the mystery man or woman that showed no courtesy for their fellow line standers the next time we are trapped in this stinky situation.
*AHEM* an original poem by Scott Sweitzer.
Mystery Line Farter!!!
You know what I'm talking about. You are standing in a line somewhere and the line isn't moving to fast. All of a sudden, you catch a whiff of a toxic odor that could peel the paint off of your car. It can only be from some inconsiderate boob in front of you or behind you because you know that it didn't come from you. The worst part about the whole experience is whenever that smell hits, that line isn't going to budge an inch until you get the entire bouquet of this particular butt land mine. You can't step forward and you can't step back so no matter what you do, you have been sucked into this "brown hole". There is nothing you can do now but dissect the aroma and try to figure out what the culprit had for breakfast that morning. "It smells like they had a poop and bacon omelet" and you swear that you can taste it.
The next step in this "crappy" dilemma you have found yourself in, is the thought that suddenly shoots into your mind,"Oh Crap. I hope the people around me don't think it's me." You already know that they do, but you must do something that gets the blame off of your behind on onto someone else. So what do we do? We make a overly horrible face and then break into Shakspearian acting that would make Sir William proud. We look around to EVERYONE around us and then start waving our hand in front of our fact. We might even plug our nose as we keep looking around and then in a louder voice than normal say, "Oooooooo. What stinks?" Even though we know what stinks, we are not letting on yet that we know it came from someones Crack Crevice. We want the people around us to put Number 2 and Number 2 (poop reference. . . Ha!) together on their own so we can form a fart posse right then and there and let the offending owner know that WE KNOW he, or she did it. Of course, NO ONE is going to admit to it or publicly apologize for the offending odor that has spread out over the crowd, but at long as no one thinks it was us, it's okay.
There is almost nothing worse in this world as standing in line to ride the new Harry Potter Ride at Universal Studios and having this offense happen to you. First, we all have been sweating horribly in the Florida heat which brings its own smell, second, we have all eaten junk food for most of the day, and third, we are all wearing shorts. So this "thunder from down under" will have very little resistance on getting its tendrils to your nostril. So to say that this line experience will be nothing short of magical for ALL the wrong reasons, is quite the understatement. My whole family has become pros in the whole Playhouse 90 routine to make sure our heinies are not held to blame, but there is always the doubt in my mind that they will take one look at my large frame and automatically match the smell up to my tush.
So to you Mystery Line Farter, I give you some words straight from the bottom of my heart. In fact, I will even write them in poetry form so all of us can recite the words to the mystery man or woman that showed no courtesy for their fellow line standers the next time we are trapped in this stinky situation.
*AHEM* an original poem by Scott Sweitzer.
Mystery Line Farter
Oh thank you dear friend, whomever you are.
I stood here in line, not getting that far.
I waited for when it would next be my turn,
But then something hit me that made my nose burn.
A smell so severe that I couldn't help but be,
Worried that my life would be sucked out of me.
I looked to the front and then I looked to the rear,
I just couldn't place the nasty smell that was here.
The odor was like sulfur mixed in with some eggs.
This abomination was making me feel weak in the legs.
I prayed to move forward, to leave this foul smell.
"God? Let this line move so I can be out of this hell."
But alas I was stuck in the spot where I stood,
Just smelling that stink that was void of all good.
A poop ghost I guess, that was just floating by.
A trapped turd that just maybe let out a great cry.
So to you unknown heathen, I don't know your name.
I just hope those around me don't think I'm to blame.
You could have just held it, you could have been smarter.
You rude and disgusting MYSTERY LINE FARTER!!!
BE KIND WITH YOUR BEHIND and BE SMART BEFORE YOU FART!!!!
*This has been a public service announcement by decent people around the world that know how to hold it in until we get into bed with our spouses. Then we get to Dutch Oven the crap out of them.*
Smile!!!
Man vs. Cat
Vs.
Let me start off this "puking" by saying that a lot has changed for me over the past 5 years. I went from being single, to having a beautiful wife, three wonderful step-children, and three cats. Yep, THREE CATS!!!! Now that might not sound like a big deal to some of you cat lovers out there, but to me, that was really going out of my comfort zone in a BIG, BIG way!!! Cats? Really?
I'm one of those types of people that animals usually like immediately, but I have always been a "dog person". I love dogs. I love they way they act all hyper when you come home. I love they way they want to play. I love the way they look at us masters for attention. I LOVE DOGS!!!!
Growing up, once my sister finally went to my Mother and asked her, "When Daddy dies, can we get a dog?" my Dad finally agreed to let us get a dog before he had to hire a Food Tester to check for poison. We ended up getting a schnauzer that we named Benji. He was a great dog. Kind, loving and cuddly. The only gripe I had about him was that he was a barker. So if I tried sneaking in late at night, I could always count on Benji being at the top of the stairs from the basement to "greet" me. I really could have used a tranquilizer gun on a few of those late nights.Then when I went off on my own, I had always wanted an English Bulldog. So one day, I was finally able to afford one and I got the cutest little boy and I named him Kong. He was my kid. I loved that guy so much and he made me laugh over and over. It was like having a little tank running around the house that likes to hump people. Unfortunately, that was his greeting to just about every stranger that came around. I just said that instead of shaking hands, he liked to shake legs. He though came down with lymphoma at only five years old and I had to put him to sleep. That was one of the saddest days of my entire life and I will never forget the moment I felt him go limp in my arms, whoops, teared up there. His ashes are sitting on a shelf behind me as I type this. Yep, I'm weird.
So after that, I thought I would eventually get another Bulldog, but I wasn't in a hurry. I ended up getting another one named Bear, but he came at the wrong time of a bad relationship that was going downhill fast. I ended up having to give him away and I also hated that, but it was just what had to be done in the situation that I was left in.
That's what brought my animal preferences to where they were a little over four years ago. Dogs, Dogs, and more Dogs!!!! I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would ever be a cat owner. It just wasn't me. I've had only a few cat experiences growing up and none of them I would call good. I can remember when I was roughly 12 I was hanging out at a friends house and he had a cat named Morris. Well I figured that a cat couldn't be that much different then a dog, so one day I was in his room and Morris was sitting between the wall and his bed and all I could see was his head. So I just reached down and started petting her like a dog. Not smart!!! The next thing I know, Satan's arm came up from the bowels of hell, and with talons of fire and brimstone, Satan scratched me across my arm leaving a nice bloody mark of the Devil to remember this demon named Morris by. Well from that "wonderful" cat experience, I learned right away that CAT'S SUCK!!!! So I didn't have much to do with them from then on. DANG YOU MORRIS!!!
Now in college, a friend of mine owned a cat named Rudy. I stayed away from it, and it pretty much stayed away from me, perfect relationship, but oh how Rudy had a lasting impression on me. One time that I went over to his house, it was cold out so I wore my nice trench coat. Well I made the mistake of not hanging up my coat and instead left it on the floor in the corner. Well sometime, that stupid cat decided to use my coat as it's litter box, because when I went to leave, the owner picked up the coat and immediately said, "Rudy peed on your coat. Sorry dude." So I took the coat and the smell hit me like a sledgehammer. If you haven't smelled cat pee, all I can say is that it smells like vinegar and urine in the strongest concentrate that you can get it. However, the bonus came from the other fact that if you get cat pee on your clothes, IT DOESN'T GO AWAY!!!! Plus, another treat for me was that every time that coat would get wet, that smell would blast out of that coat like a teenage girl learning what dose of perfume is too much. I would be walking to class and it would begin to drizzle and as soon as I got to class, that smell would be so strong that I knew whoever was sitting near me wondered just where I was hiding the cat I had on me. DANG YOU RUDY!!!!
Don't get me wrong, I would never harm an animal or wish it to be hurt, but I just didn't have any use for those demon spawns called cats. I pretty much went about the rest of my time able to have very little to do with cats at all. That, of course, wasn't hard because it's not like they are busting their humps to come to me either. We had a mutual agreement. I won't pet you, you don't scratch me. That is usually the good thing about cats, unlike my dog Kong that would make you his woman every time you came in my house, a cat will usually run and hide.
Well when I found out that there were three cats heading my way as soon as I finished my "I Do", I had to come to certain grips with issues. I kind of just figured that I would not have much to do with them seeing as how for most my life I was able to manage it, but I also knew that they would be living in the same house that I lived in, so I knew that our paths would eventually cross. Let's just say that at first, it was a bumpy ride.
The first time I met Kane, Prissy, and Matty, was picking them up to drive them 5 hours back to their new home. Well they were in their cat carriers but about a half hour down the road I caught a smell that brought back flashbacks from college. I swear I thought the ghost of my old trench coat had found me and had come to haunt my memory of just how stinky cat pee can be and how irresponsible I was to leave it on the floor around a cat. I was thankful though that the whole car smelled the same thing I did, because my poor wife Linda felt horrible that the cats had already peed in my new car. It turns out that cats don't like to go for rides like dogs do. Didn't know that. Just kind of figured they would be like dogs and be all excited to go for a ride. Well maybe they were excited, so excited that they peed. One QUICK trip to Walmart the very next exit, a bottle of Urine Be Gone, and a ton of air freshener. We got home without much more drama.
Things went pretty much as expected, they avoided me like the plague for the first couple of weeks but I started to notice that they were starting NOT to rush out of the room as soon as I entered so I knew things were going to change pretty soon between us. In fact, two of them, Kane and Matty, had already started to let me pet them which I did very gingerly waiting for Satan's talon to attack again, but it never did. Lord help me, we were starting to tolerate each other!!!!
Flash forward a few months and the smallest cat Matty had gotten his first sets of kitten shots. By this time, some of the cats were now sleeping in our bed and we had gotten on first name bases. They were still cats, but I was now bonding with them. Well around two in the morning the night after Matty's shots, I was sleeping like I normally do, no shirt and on my side, and I felt Matty jump up on the bed right in front of me. I felt her climb Mt. Scott and then once on my side, he slid down my back to head toward Linda. You know when something just doesn't feel right? Well that is exactly what I felt. I felt the cat slide down my back, yes. . . .SLIDE DOWN MY BACK!!!!! I still felt where the cat slid down my back and the feeling wasn't going away. So I reached back and felt my back in my sleepy state of mind and there was something gooey on my back. I pulled my fingers up to my nose and . . .BAM . . . I shot wide awake. Let's just say that this wasn't cat pee this time, but cat poo I smelled. I shot up so fast out of that bed and Linda did to for she knew something was wrong. She said, "What's wrong??" Then in a not so calm voice I said, "Your cat CRAPPED ON MY BACK!!!" She was floored. It appears as though when cats get their first shots, if can give them diarrhea. So Matty decided to use the litter box then use dear old Scott as his personal toilet paper. Talk about knowing where you stand in a relationship.
The last main weird cat moment took place a few weeks after that "slip and slide" incident. Kane was the first one of the three that took to me. He just came up to me one day and jump up to lay with me. He would actually start to seek me out in the house and so he became my little buddy. I actually took to Kane and, as much as I hated to admit it at the time, I started to fall in love with the little guy. *sigh* So our bond grew as the days went by and he kind of became my cat which hacked Linda off, but hey, animals dig me, what can I say? I guess he felt the same way, because one day while laying on the couch playing my PS3, Kane had jumped up and curled up with me in his normal position (see below)
and all of a sudden, he stood up, turned around twice and then a liquid flew out of his nether regions spraying me all over the chest. I was in shock for a moment because I just couldn't process what just happened. I just got sprayed by a cat. It didn't smell like vinegar and pee so I was confused. I finally let out a yelp and yelled to Linda, "YOUR CAT JUST SPRAYED ME!!!!" Knowing that this was Kane's doing, she yelled back, "HE OWNS YOU NOW!!!!" So I guess I'm now owned by a cat now, but I still am suffering over some of the trama of that moment.
So now here I am, four + years later and I feel as though I am in an AA meeting.
"Hello, My name is Scott and I'm a catoholic." (clap, clap, clap)
I now love my cats and since the spraying incident, I know at least one of them love me. Sadly, Matty died two years ago on Thanksgiving Day from health problems and that was also a very sad day for me. His ashes are sitting up there right next to Kong. I wonder how P.O.'d he is about that.
Kane, or as I call him now Snoopy Doo, is pretty much my dog now and he comes when I call and likes to be around me wherever I am. You can often hear me singing to him which gets some head shakes around here. Prissy, I call her Momma, is more independent then Kane but she is still very sweet. She isn't as loving as Kane, but she has her moments when she just wants some attention. It's funny sometimes Prissy will jump up and take Kanes spot laying beside me in the same position that Kane usually does, and then Kane will come in and look at me like I'm cheating on him. They both have my heart and I love having them around, more Kane than Prissy, but please don't tell her. So in the Battle of Scott vs. Cats . . . .
Cat's Won!!!!
Smile!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)