Be kind with your behind!

Another late night so it's time to "puke".  I really don't know if I will be "puking" every day, but what can I say, it's been an active week in the ol' cranium.  I've talked about getting old, I've talked about movies, and I've talked about my indoctrination to the wonderful world of cats.  I'm sure all three topics will be visited time and time again as the world around me changes.  I already have more I want to "puke" about my cats, but I will switch gears for the moment and talk about a topic that is near and dear to me and my family.  I'm sure each and everyone of us has had this issue sometime in life, so I figured since it happens to us a lot because we frequent Universal Studios regularly and spend a lot of time in lines, I might as well get it off my chest and raise awareness of this problem and make it known that we will find you and make you pay.  Of course, by the title of this "puke", I'm talking about the . . . . .

Mystery Line Farter!!!

You know what I'm talking about.  You are standing in a line somewhere and the line isn't moving to fast.  All of a sudden, you catch a whiff of a toxic odor that could peel the paint off of your car.  It can only be from some inconsiderate boob in front of you or behind you because you know that it didn't come from you.  The worst part about the whole experience is whenever that smell hits, that line isn't going to budge an inch until you get the entire bouquet of this particular butt land mine.  You can't step forward and you can't step back so no matter what you do, you have been sucked into this "brown hole".  There is nothing you can do now but dissect the aroma and try to figure out what the culprit had for breakfast that morning.  "It smells like they had a poop and bacon omelet" and you swear that you can taste it.

The next step in this "crappy" dilemma you have found yourself in, is the thought that suddenly shoots into your mind,"Oh Crap.  I hope the people around me don't think it's me."  You already know that they do, but you must do something that gets the blame off of your behind on onto someone else.  So what do we do?  We make a overly horrible face and then break into Shakspearian acting that would make Sir William proud.  We look around to EVERYONE around us and then start waving our hand in front of our fact.  We might even plug our nose as we keep looking around and then in a louder voice than normal say, "Oooooooo.  What stinks?"  Even though we know what stinks, we are not letting on yet that we know it came from someones Crack Crevice.  We want the people around us to put Number 2 and Number 2 (poop reference. . . Ha!) together on their own so we can form a fart posse right then and there and let the offending owner know that WE KNOW he, or she did it.  Of course, NO ONE is going to admit to it or publicly apologize for the offending odor that has spread out over the crowd, but at long as no one thinks it was us, it's okay.

There is almost nothing worse in this world as standing in line to ride the new Harry Potter Ride at Universal Studios and having this offense happen to you.  First, we all have been sweating horribly in the Florida heat which brings its own smell, second, we have all eaten junk food for most of the day, and third, we are all wearing shorts.  So this "thunder from down under" will have very little resistance on getting its tendrils to your nostril.  So to say that this line experience will be nothing short of magical for ALL the wrong reasons, is quite the understatement.  My whole family has become pros in the whole Playhouse 90 routine to make sure our heinies are not held to blame, but there is always the doubt in my mind that they will take one look at my large frame and automatically match the smell up to my tush. 

So to you Mystery Line Farter, I give you some words straight from the bottom of my heart.  In fact, I will even write them in poetry form so all of us can recite the words to the mystery man or woman that showed no courtesy for their fellow line standers the next time we are trapped in this stinky situation.
*AHEM* an original poem by Scott Sweitzer.

 Mystery Line Farter

Oh thank you dear friend, whomever you are.

I stood here in line, not getting that far.

I waited for when it would next be my turn,

But then something hit me that made my nose burn.

A smell so severe that I couldn't help but be,

Worried that my life would be sucked out of me.

I looked to the front and then I looked to the rear,

I just couldn't place the nasty smell that was here.

The odor was like sulfur mixed in with some eggs.

This abomination was making me feel weak in the legs.

I prayed to move forward, to leave this foul smell.

"God? Let this line move so I can be out of this hell."

But alas I was stuck in the spot where I stood,

Just smelling that stink that was void of all good.

A poop ghost I guess, that was just floating by.

A trapped turd that just maybe let out a great cry.

So to you unknown heathen, I don't know your name.

I just hope those around me don't think I'm to blame.

You could have just held it, you could have been smarter.

You rude and disgusting MYSTERY LINE FARTER!!!

BE KIND WITH YOUR BEHIND and BE SMART BEFORE YOU FART!!!!

*This has been a public service announcement by decent people around the world that know how to hold it in until we get into bed with our spouses.  Then we get to Dutch Oven the crap out of them.*

Smile!!!