I would have loved to have been inside Harold Camping's church this past Sunday morning. Sitting there with all the other believers and waiting for him to get up to the pulpit and say this:
"Ladies and Gentlemen. The name of today's sermon is. . . . . .OOPS. I did it again." (because this is the second time he pulled this one)
So I got to thinking, what in the world kind of signs would I have to be looking for that would truly tell me the end of the world was coming? I know we have the whole earthquake, floods, wars, and pestilence, but I also feel there could be some really definitive signs that would tell me the end of the world was nigh. Let's see if you agree with me.
#1. Lady GaGa and Justin Beiber decide to get married. The create an empire called Lady Beiber and begin to take over the world with their new and exciting brand of music, clothes, hair care products, and make-up that makes you look like a homeless person. They only grow more powerful when they have their first kid and they name it Lady GooGoo Beiber, even though it's a boy. This child has all the weirdness of GaGa added with the "I don't know what it is" of Beiber, and two days after his birth, he puts out his first album, "From my Womb" and the album flies to number 1 on the strength of the chart toppers off of it like, My Parents are Nuts, Why Was I Born This Way? and Blackjack Face. The mixture of all three of these forces on earth at the same time would definitely give me the sign that the end of the world was coming.
#2. Microsoft would, after years and years of success, unveil the newest product that will change the way that everyone functions in today's society. It would be called the I-Don't Give A Crap. People would run to shell out their $2,200 to get their hands on this incredible invention. There would be riots, theft, and chaos because the demand for this product couldn't be met. What does this product do? NOTHING. It's just a white pad the size of a notebook that when you turn it on, it does nothing. The light comes on and only the Microsoft logo appears, but they were able to brainwash into thinking that this was the "coolest" device to have when you need to look cool. It's like a "down with the system" statement for all the yuppies. For an extra $600, you can add a pair of headphones that don't work either and different colored face plates that let you give this useless piece of crap its own identity.
#3. McDonald's finally buys out Burger King forming the largest fast food chain on the market. They decide to just place the word King in front of McDonalds to signify their victory, so King McDonalds is now born. In the truly scary part of the entire takeover, the marketing geniuses decide to use both Ronald McDonald and the Burger King in all their commercials. Now I already have a fear of clowns, see past blog, but I have also developed an extreme fear of that stupid Burger King in the ads. That King freaks the crap out of me so this would also be another sign that the end of the World was coming. The King and the Clown trying to tempt me with delicious fast food until I reached for it, and like the scene with Pennywise from IT, they would reveal their huge fangs and eat me like one huge Scotty McNugget. I'm shaking now from just the thought.
#4. A game show comes on TV where they take someone that is not paying their car bills and the repo men have to be called. Well once the Repo men get there, they give the loser a chance to win back their car that they HAVEN'T been paying for in the first place. To add to the drama, they will ask this person that has NOT BEEN LIVING UP TO THEIR END OF A CONTRACT, five easy questions in order to give them that chance to win their car back THAT THEY HAVEN'T PAID ON IN QUITE SOME TIME. But to make it easier on the FREELOADER, they will make them only have to get 3 of these questions right. Yep, you only need to score a 66% to win your car free and clear that YOU FELT YOU DIDN'T NEED TO MAKE THE PAYMENTS ON. Let's call this show Repo Games. What a better way to show society that you really don't need to pay your bills to get bailed out free and clear for knowing two songs off Michael Jackson's Thriller album. And let's not pick the ones that are just down on their luck, NO, let's pick the lowest form of society with gangsters, rednecks, and drug dealers. After all, if you can't help someone that has NO INTENTION of doing the right thing, WHO CAN YOU HELP???? Oh wait, I just turned on the TV and there IS a show like this already. OH NO!!! Maybe Harold was a little right.
Now for the lightning round.
#5. They come out with a sequel to No Country For Old Men calling it No Ending for Stupid Movie.
#6. American Idol finally does away with theme weeks and lets the singers sing songs from artists that are relevant to them. They also don't let America decide who is in the final 5, they let the judges earn their money and decide who goes on or not. (Sorry. I'm still bitter about James being voted off.)
#7. In a bold political move, Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton join forces to go after the presidency AND THEY WIN in a landslide over Donald and Ivanka Trump!!!! After 6 months in office, their cycles sync, and from that moment on, there is a small country blown up once every 28 days.
#8. Kate Gosselin, The Duggers, and the Octomom all join forces and take over Canada in like 3 days of annoying the crap out of the country. They immediately change the name from Canada, to LATSM, which stands for. . . Look at these stretch marks. Not that this would really be the end of the world, but them having their own country CAN'T BE GOOD!!!! In like six years, they would have the same population as America.
#9. Someone turns out to like all my writing and decides to give me a book deal, magazine deal, and a tour to promote myself. I will be given millions of dollars up front and the second I have it in my hand. . . . . . . . . THE FREAKING END OF THE WORLD COMES!!!!! MY LUCK!!!!!!
Smile!!!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
05/12/99. R.I.P. my friend.
I've been debating doing this one for quite sometime, but upon looking at something the other day, I decided that there was no better time to go ahead and do it than now. If you look over the contract we have with this blog, you will see that I never promised that every blog I do will be hilarious and carefree. In fact, there are probably going to be times that I will be down right depressing depending on my mood. I don't think I've strayed too far from the funny, but this "Puke". . . . I'm doing it for myself.
Some of you might stop reading when you see that it's not about something funny and some of you might continue to read it and think to yourself, "Self. Scott is a sissy to even be writing this. Where is his man card." If so, so be it, but know that I will "return to my roots" after I get this one out of my head and on to this blog and will give you something to laugh about. Like I said though, this one is for me, but you are more than welcome to come along with me on this memory. Maybe some of you will be able to relate and maybe some of you will shed a tear and share your own memory with me. Let's load up the sad train and head out on this latest journey.
May 5th, 1999 marks one of the saddest days that I have ever had in my 42 years on this planet. It's a day that has left a mark on me and a day that even now, when looking back, it doesn't take much for me get that lump in my throat. (This is where I'm going to lose some of you) That was the day that I took my beloved dog to the vet to have him put to sleep. Now instead of rushing to the end though, this is going to be like one of those movies that show you the end at the beginning, but then fade back to the beginning to see how we got there. Let me paint the entire picture though on just who that dog was to me.
(Insert fuzzy memory sequence)
Growing up, there were two major goals I had set aside for me as a child. #1. Was live in Florida and #2. Own an English Bulldog. I know, I kind of didn't set the bar very high, but like I said, I was a kid. So upon making it to Florida in 1992, I realized that I might be able to hit that other goal given the right searching and income tax check. I didn't realize how expensive those dogs were as a child, so I had to plan that step out a little better once I realized what I was asking for.
Jump roughly two years later, and I was able to achieve that goal. On April 6th, 1994, there was a litter of 5 little English Bulldog puppies brought into this world and after a lead given to me, I was on my way up to take a look at them. I think we all know that the worst thing you can EVER do is say that you are going to just "GO LOOK" at a puppy. I'm willing to bet that 9 out of 10 times, your butt ends up buying that puppy because who can turn down that puppy smell and cuteness overload? Well I was no different. Once I picked up that little white bulldog, I knew that he was going to be mine. I looked into his eyes and he looked back at me like, "DUDE. Where have you been all my life? Can I call you Daddy now?" $800 later, and he was MINE!!!!
Let me branch off and say right now that I have never had my own children, so this was the closest thing I've ever come to that whole "parent/child" bonding moment. He was mine and I was his immediately. The worst part was walking away from him right then because he was only four weeks old at the time and I would still have to wait four more until I could pick him up and bring him home. That sucked, but we were able to figure out his name and after one call to the breeder, my child now had a name. He looked like such a little brute and we all came up with only one name that would fit for him. . . . . . .KONG!!!! On his AKC papers, he became known as Sir Kong from Sebring.
I waited out the LONG four weeks until we could go back and get him and as luck has it, I wasn't able to go get him on that day because of work, but my girlfriend at the time went up and got him for me. When she brought him back to me, I couldn't believe how much he had grown in those four weeks. He fit in one hand when we went and looked at him, but now, I had to use two hands to hold the little turd. I took him in my arms and snuffled with him. What is snuffled you might ask? It the term I call sticking my face up his, forehead to forehead, and just smelling him in. Sometimes he would bless me with a wet snort, and sometimes he would lick me. I would snuffle with him all the time because he was my kid and I was his Daddy. (Wonder how many of you I just lost there)
I had my boy and we were it. He was pretty much my child from that moment on and we were inseparable. Kong and me, me and Kong. The white English Bulldog that I always wanted and he had such a personality. He was like a big kid running around and I was right there with him. The term "Man's Best Friend" couldn't fit him any better and I was "Dog's Best Friend" to him. For those of you that have ever had a dog that you love like that, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't ever felt that bond, then I can't help you with that. Go buy a dog so you can experience it.
I could always count on a few things with Kong. #1. He was going to sit there while I ate and drool. #2. He would follow me around the house just to be around me. #3. He loved to wrestle and so did I. That's the reason I liked his size so much. He was roughly 70 lbs. of muscle and it was like petting a horse. I couldn't have a little yipper dog because I would go to play with it and end up throwing it 20 ft. on accident. #4. He would snore. Which that was truly adorable. and #5. If you were new to my house. . . .you were going to get humped. More on that later though.
Kong wasn't a barker. In fact, the first time he barked, he looked at me scared as if to say, "There's a dog in the house Daddy. I just heard him bark. Hold ME!!!" He also did the same thing the first time he farted, but I told him that I wasn't going to hold him and in fact, it was him and not me for a change. He was becoming just like me. Sniff. . . .Sniff. . . . They grow up to soon.
I can remember thinking I was going to lose him as a puppy though, because I came home from the store, and he had decided to eat one of my CD's. That's right. He used my Kiss CD as a chew toy and devoured most of it. All I could think was it cutting up his insides and him dying from that, but nothing happened, but I do think his poop had reflective properties for a day or two though. OUCH!!!!
The only flaw that Kong had was the whole humping thing. I don't know what was up with the little turd, but if you came over to my house, you were going to get greeted in two ways. The first was me saying hello to you and the second was Kong trying to say hello to your leg. This had to be the horniest dog that I ever have been around, and being that he was a big dog, it looked like a prison scene on a couple instances. My brother-in-law had a "moment" the first time he met Kong, and it became one of my favorites.
I was visiting my folks and Kong was out on the Lanai (porch). I told my brother-in-law to come out and meet Kong, so he came out and Kong was very cool about it at first. Now Kong's toy was there, a rope with a knot in it, and I told him to throw it so Kong could go get it. My brother-in-law threw the toy, and Kong took about three steps towards the toy then realized that he hadn't really "Greeted" my brother-in-law properly yet. So he spun around in a flash, jumped up, and latched himself on to his leg and began to do the "Red Rocket Shuffle". My brother-in-law let out a yelp as Kong wrapped his front legs around his and went to town. My brother-in-law just kept yelling, "WHAT IS HE DOING??? WHAT IS HE DOING???" Well this led me to bust out laughing, like I am right now, and when I grabbed Kong's collar and pulled him off, the second my brother-in-law turned to get inside, Kong yanked, and being that I was laughing so hard, I couldn't hold him. What happened next was the icing on the cake. My brother-in-law was at the glass sliding door to head in, when Kong got him from behind. This led to my brother-in-law being pinned against the glass doors as Kong did the "Humpty Dance". To make matters worse, my sister and my two nephews were just inside the doors, so they had a front row view of the action. All they could see was my brother-in-law pushed against the glass screaming, "GET HIM OFF ME. GET HIM OFF ME." I was on my knees just picturing the trauma my nephews were witness too, but I was also laughing so hard that it took all my strength to get him off my brother-in-law. Once off him, my brother-in-law ran inside looking like a rape victim. He spun around and looked at me and his attacker and all he could say was, "I feel so violated."
I could tell you story after story of what a great dog he was and how he just made me smile, but I really just want you to know that he was truly one of those dogs that was human to me. He was my kid and I hope some of you have had the pleasure of having a pet that fit this description. There is nothing as great as a dog, or cat, that loves you unconditionally. They put their trust in you and you are the center of their world. Sure, they mainly want food, but they also want affection, attention, love, and snuffles. That's why what comes next is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life.
I had noticed lumps in his neck one day while petting him and they just didn't feel right. I took him to the vet and after a full check-up, the vet had me feel all his lymph nodes and pointed out that all of them were swollen which meant only one thing. My greatest fear materialized and they announced that Kong had Lymphoma and that it was all through his little body. He was only 5 years old and having to face this with my "kid" was not something I was ready for. He was too young for this. They offered a treatment program that would prolong his life by about a year or so, but would make him sick most the time. It was expensive and I couldn't see spending that much money and not doing much more than just keeping him alive for my sake and not his. The vet told me that he would progressively get worse and I would know when it was time to "put him down", how I hated those words when it came out of his mouth. This was my kid he was talking about.
Well I took him home and sure enough, he did progressively get worse. He began by slowly losing weight and not having an appetite. It was hard to watch because this was the dog that I came home one day to find out he devoured an entire un-opened bag of Oreo's while I was gone. All that was left was the plastic and black specks all over the carpet from the party that he had. He just looked at me like he wanted to know if I had anymore. LITTLE TURD!!!! I was looking forward to those Oreo's.
I really can't remember how quick he went down hill, but I was being a selfish person by ignoring what I knew I was going to have to do. I couldn't face knowing that I was going to have to be the one to take him to a place and not return with him. I was going to have to say goodbye to him soon and I wasn't ready to say goodbye. The worse and worse he got, I just kept telling myself that he was still strong and I didn't have to do anything yet. I would get so angry about it that I wanted to just reach down and snap his neck to make it all stop, but I could never do that. I wrestled with having someone else take him to "put him down", but I couldn't let anyone but me do it. After all, I was his Daddy.
The day finally came when I came home and looked at him and he told me through his eyes, "Daddy. It's time. I don't feel well. Please put me out of my misery." He had lost a ton of weight and his eyes were starting to get cloudy from the white blood cells freaking out in his body. He didn't look like himself anymore, but he was still my baby, and I still didn't want to do this. I took a deep breath and loading him in the car for his final car trip. I just laid my hand on him the whole way to the vet and told him how much I loved him and that it was going to be okay. The tears were now flowing heavy, but I think he was at peace with it.
I took him inside, and they knew why I was there so they let me walk him right back to the room and the vet came in right away. Through my tears, I managed to tell her that I wanted to put him out of his misery. She asked me if I wanted to be in there when they did it, and for a brief second, I wanted to run, but I wasn't about to let him go through this alone. I told her I would stay and she explained what would happen. I never understood what they did when they "put a dog to sleep", and she told me that they would give him an overdose that would quietly let him die. She explained that it was a very peaceful thing and that he would feel no pain.
She let me hold him while she injected him and all I could do was snuffle with him though tears and tell him, "Thank you for being such a good dog and goodbye." I felt him slowly relax and then I felt him go to sleep. This was when I knew that he was gone. She checked his heart and confirmed it. I laid him down on the table and just stared at his now limp body and all I could do was cry. My child was gone, but I was so glad I stayed because it was one of the most peaceful things I could imagine and I was there for him.
Some of you might stop reading when you see that it's not about something funny and some of you might continue to read it and think to yourself, "Self. Scott is a sissy to even be writing this. Where is his man card." If so, so be it, but know that I will "return to my roots" after I get this one out of my head and on to this blog and will give you something to laugh about. Like I said though, this one is for me, but you are more than welcome to come along with me on this memory. Maybe some of you will be able to relate and maybe some of you will shed a tear and share your own memory with me. Let's load up the sad train and head out on this latest journey.
May 5th, 1999 marks one of the saddest days that I have ever had in my 42 years on this planet. It's a day that has left a mark on me and a day that even now, when looking back, it doesn't take much for me get that lump in my throat. (This is where I'm going to lose some of you) That was the day that I took my beloved dog to the vet to have him put to sleep. Now instead of rushing to the end though, this is going to be like one of those movies that show you the end at the beginning, but then fade back to the beginning to see how we got there. Let me paint the entire picture though on just who that dog was to me.
(Insert fuzzy memory sequence)
Growing up, there were two major goals I had set aside for me as a child. #1. Was live in Florida and #2. Own an English Bulldog. I know, I kind of didn't set the bar very high, but like I said, I was a kid. So upon making it to Florida in 1992, I realized that I might be able to hit that other goal given the right searching and income tax check. I didn't realize how expensive those dogs were as a child, so I had to plan that step out a little better once I realized what I was asking for.
Jump roughly two years later, and I was able to achieve that goal. On April 6th, 1994, there was a litter of 5 little English Bulldog puppies brought into this world and after a lead given to me, I was on my way up to take a look at them. I think we all know that the worst thing you can EVER do is say that you are going to just "GO LOOK" at a puppy. I'm willing to bet that 9 out of 10 times, your butt ends up buying that puppy because who can turn down that puppy smell and cuteness overload? Well I was no different. Once I picked up that little white bulldog, I knew that he was going to be mine. I looked into his eyes and he looked back at me like, "DUDE. Where have you been all my life? Can I call you Daddy now?" $800 later, and he was MINE!!!!
Let me branch off and say right now that I have never had my own children, so this was the closest thing I've ever come to that whole "parent/child" bonding moment. He was mine and I was his immediately. The worst part was walking away from him right then because he was only four weeks old at the time and I would still have to wait four more until I could pick him up and bring him home. That sucked, but we were able to figure out his name and after one call to the breeder, my child now had a name. He looked like such a little brute and we all came up with only one name that would fit for him. . . . . . .KONG!!!! On his AKC papers, he became known as Sir Kong from Sebring.
I waited out the LONG four weeks until we could go back and get him and as luck has it, I wasn't able to go get him on that day because of work, but my girlfriend at the time went up and got him for me. When she brought him back to me, I couldn't believe how much he had grown in those four weeks. He fit in one hand when we went and looked at him, but now, I had to use two hands to hold the little turd. I took him in my arms and snuffled with him. What is snuffled you might ask? It the term I call sticking my face up his, forehead to forehead, and just smelling him in. Sometimes he would bless me with a wet snort, and sometimes he would lick me. I would snuffle with him all the time because he was my kid and I was his Daddy. (Wonder how many of you I just lost there)
I had my boy and we were it. He was pretty much my child from that moment on and we were inseparable. Kong and me, me and Kong. The white English Bulldog that I always wanted and he had such a personality. He was like a big kid running around and I was right there with him. The term "Man's Best Friend" couldn't fit him any better and I was "Dog's Best Friend" to him. For those of you that have ever had a dog that you love like that, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't ever felt that bond, then I can't help you with that. Go buy a dog so you can experience it.
I could always count on a few things with Kong. #1. He was going to sit there while I ate and drool. #2. He would follow me around the house just to be around me. #3. He loved to wrestle and so did I. That's the reason I liked his size so much. He was roughly 70 lbs. of muscle and it was like petting a horse. I couldn't have a little yipper dog because I would go to play with it and end up throwing it 20 ft. on accident. #4. He would snore. Which that was truly adorable. and #5. If you were new to my house. . . .you were going to get humped. More on that later though.
Kong wasn't a barker. In fact, the first time he barked, he looked at me scared as if to say, "There's a dog in the house Daddy. I just heard him bark. Hold ME!!!" He also did the same thing the first time he farted, but I told him that I wasn't going to hold him and in fact, it was him and not me for a change. He was becoming just like me. Sniff. . . .Sniff. . . . They grow up to soon.
I can remember thinking I was going to lose him as a puppy though, because I came home from the store, and he had decided to eat one of my CD's. That's right. He used my Kiss CD as a chew toy and devoured most of it. All I could think was it cutting up his insides and him dying from that, but nothing happened, but I do think his poop had reflective properties for a day or two though. OUCH!!!!
The only flaw that Kong had was the whole humping thing. I don't know what was up with the little turd, but if you came over to my house, you were going to get greeted in two ways. The first was me saying hello to you and the second was Kong trying to say hello to your leg. This had to be the horniest dog that I ever have been around, and being that he was a big dog, it looked like a prison scene on a couple instances. My brother-in-law had a "moment" the first time he met Kong, and it became one of my favorites.
I was visiting my folks and Kong was out on the Lanai (porch). I told my brother-in-law to come out and meet Kong, so he came out and Kong was very cool about it at first. Now Kong's toy was there, a rope with a knot in it, and I told him to throw it so Kong could go get it. My brother-in-law threw the toy, and Kong took about three steps towards the toy then realized that he hadn't really "Greeted" my brother-in-law properly yet. So he spun around in a flash, jumped up, and latched himself on to his leg and began to do the "Red Rocket Shuffle". My brother-in-law let out a yelp as Kong wrapped his front legs around his and went to town. My brother-in-law just kept yelling, "WHAT IS HE DOING??? WHAT IS HE DOING???" Well this led me to bust out laughing, like I am right now, and when I grabbed Kong's collar and pulled him off, the second my brother-in-law turned to get inside, Kong yanked, and being that I was laughing so hard, I couldn't hold him. What happened next was the icing on the cake. My brother-in-law was at the glass sliding door to head in, when Kong got him from behind. This led to my brother-in-law being pinned against the glass doors as Kong did the "Humpty Dance". To make matters worse, my sister and my two nephews were just inside the doors, so they had a front row view of the action. All they could see was my brother-in-law pushed against the glass screaming, "GET HIM OFF ME. GET HIM OFF ME." I was on my knees just picturing the trauma my nephews were witness too, but I was also laughing so hard that it took all my strength to get him off my brother-in-law. Once off him, my brother-in-law ran inside looking like a rape victim. He spun around and looked at me and his attacker and all he could say was, "I feel so violated."
I could tell you story after story of what a great dog he was and how he just made me smile, but I really just want you to know that he was truly one of those dogs that was human to me. He was my kid and I hope some of you have had the pleasure of having a pet that fit this description. There is nothing as great as a dog, or cat, that loves you unconditionally. They put their trust in you and you are the center of their world. Sure, they mainly want food, but they also want affection, attention, love, and snuffles. That's why what comes next is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life.
I had noticed lumps in his neck one day while petting him and they just didn't feel right. I took him to the vet and after a full check-up, the vet had me feel all his lymph nodes and pointed out that all of them were swollen which meant only one thing. My greatest fear materialized and they announced that Kong had Lymphoma and that it was all through his little body. He was only 5 years old and having to face this with my "kid" was not something I was ready for. He was too young for this. They offered a treatment program that would prolong his life by about a year or so, but would make him sick most the time. It was expensive and I couldn't see spending that much money and not doing much more than just keeping him alive for my sake and not his. The vet told me that he would progressively get worse and I would know when it was time to "put him down", how I hated those words when it came out of his mouth. This was my kid he was talking about.
Well I took him home and sure enough, he did progressively get worse. He began by slowly losing weight and not having an appetite. It was hard to watch because this was the dog that I came home one day to find out he devoured an entire un-opened bag of Oreo's while I was gone. All that was left was the plastic and black specks all over the carpet from the party that he had. He just looked at me like he wanted to know if I had anymore. LITTLE TURD!!!! I was looking forward to those Oreo's.
I really can't remember how quick he went down hill, but I was being a selfish person by ignoring what I knew I was going to have to do. I couldn't face knowing that I was going to have to be the one to take him to a place and not return with him. I was going to have to say goodbye to him soon and I wasn't ready to say goodbye. The worse and worse he got, I just kept telling myself that he was still strong and I didn't have to do anything yet. I would get so angry about it that I wanted to just reach down and snap his neck to make it all stop, but I could never do that. I wrestled with having someone else take him to "put him down", but I couldn't let anyone but me do it. After all, I was his Daddy.
The day finally came when I came home and looked at him and he told me through his eyes, "Daddy. It's time. I don't feel well. Please put me out of my misery." He had lost a ton of weight and his eyes were starting to get cloudy from the white blood cells freaking out in his body. He didn't look like himself anymore, but he was still my baby, and I still didn't want to do this. I took a deep breath and loading him in the car for his final car trip. I just laid my hand on him the whole way to the vet and told him how much I loved him and that it was going to be okay. The tears were now flowing heavy, but I think he was at peace with it.
I took him inside, and they knew why I was there so they let me walk him right back to the room and the vet came in right away. Through my tears, I managed to tell her that I wanted to put him out of his misery. She asked me if I wanted to be in there when they did it, and for a brief second, I wanted to run, but I wasn't about to let him go through this alone. I told her I would stay and she explained what would happen. I never understood what they did when they "put a dog to sleep", and she told me that they would give him an overdose that would quietly let him die. She explained that it was a very peaceful thing and that he would feel no pain.
She let me hold him while she injected him and all I could do was snuffle with him though tears and tell him, "Thank you for being such a good dog and goodbye." I felt him slowly relax and then I felt him go to sleep. This was when I knew that he was gone. She checked his heart and confirmed it. I laid him down on the table and just stared at his now limp body and all I could do was cry. My child was gone, but I was so glad I stayed because it was one of the most peaceful things I could imagine and I was there for him.
I slowly walked out of that room and to the front counter where they asked me what I wanted to do with the body. I decided to have him cremated so I could have his ashes. They sit in a small little urn on a shelf in my family room with a french fry in it in case he gets hungry. I drove home and the only thing I could do was listen to Peter Gabriel's song "I Grieve" over and over and wept. This was truly a day of despair for me.
It was a long, long time ago and I hate to admit it, but I cried while writing this blog because it still hurts and I miss him so much. He was my kid, my child, my baby, and my friend and I will never forget him. So when I get to heaven one day and the pearly gates are opened and Kong comes rushing out to greet me, I can't wait for St. Peter to tell me about the first time he was "greeted" by Kong. Then me and him will go find the Oreo bar and have a feast. I love you boy!!!!! Rest in Peace.
Smile!!!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Mommy Time!!!!!!!
Well it was either "puke" about Osama or Mothers, but since I have a real weird taste in my mouth about the Osama thing, I'm going to head on over to Mom Land and sit a spell. Hope you don't mind! The only thing I will say about the Osama thing is SHOW THE DANG PICTURE!!!!! I'm not saying I don't believe you, but I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!!!! Trust me. I've seen all seven Saw movies, every Friday the 13th, and 10 minutes of Jersey Shore. . . . I can handle horror folks! They/we had no problem airing the beheading of an American at their hands, so I truly don't see what the big deal is. (Climbs off Soap Box) So it's off to the safety of Mommy Land for me. I don't know how much comedy is going to be in this one, so bear with me if you will. I have no clue where I'm going yet. Let's take the journey together shall we?
With Mother's Day on the horizon, I think it's only appropriate to discuss Mothers everywhere and to give thanks for what they have done and to give them some "Mad Props" for putting up with each and every one of us. In the case of me, my Mother TRULY deserves a medal for putting up with the crap I have put her through. Don't believe me, ask her!
What is a Mother? What constitutes Motherhood? What qualifications are needed to be deemed Mother worthy? Well if what I saw at Universal Studio's this past weekend was any indication, it really takes NO QUALIFICATIONS to be considered a Mother. Anyone can do it, but they can't all be good.
We were at Universal Studio's with some friends this past weekend in order to enjoy the park, watch the Mardi Gras parade, and to see the free concert offered that evening. So after a long day of walking around the park, we all decided to find us a place to sit down in order to have a great viewing area for the parade. We ended up finding a perfect spot, took a seat on the curb, and had roughly forty five minutes to wait until the parade begins. As we sat there, my wife turned to me and said, "Scott. Look across the street at those kids." I glanced across the street and at first I didn't see what was going on that warranted my attention. I just saw a lady and two kids in strollers sitting there. The kids were probably 1-2 years old and nothing seemed out of the ordinary until I noticed that they both were chewing on something.
(Insert double take and a squint here) Upon further review, I noticed that the kids were in fact chewing on something and this something was the flip flops from the ladies feet that sat in front of them. THAT'S RIGHT!!!!! I'll give you a second to let that sink in . . . . . . . . . . . gag . . . . . . . . . . . Okay. Time's up. This "Mother" had decided to take her flip flops off, THAT SHE HAD BEEN WEARING ALL DAY, and hand them to her precious bundles of joy in order to let them exercise their teeth on whatever funk was on those puppies. By the look of her filthy black bare feet, there was PLENTY OF FUNK to go around. Now all of a sudden it was like a train wreck. I couldn't look away!!!! All I could do was sit there and watch as the one child held this flip flop like it was the greatest thing EVER and gnaw on it like it was a Popsicle. I was shocked, amazed, amused, and disgusted all at the same time, and trust me when I say, "That was a lot of emotion to go through over this rare parenting feat." I was half tempted to scrape up the gum that was stuck to the sidewalk next to me and carry it over for the lady to give them as a night time snack. Surely they would love a piece of ABC peppermint gum with a pebble and a hair in it wouldn't they? Yummy!!!! Hard to compete with the flavor of Theme Park and feet though I imagine. It just seemed like this lady must have missed Parenting Tip #5. . . . Under NO circumstances are you to hand your child your USED footwear as a chew toy. There are germs that could be passed to them and their breath will smell like FEET!!!!!
So since anyone can pretty much be considered a Mother, then what makes a truly great Mother?
I truly don't think there can be a blueprint here. I think one of the cool things about being a parent is that you are able to adapt your style of parenting to fit the child you are taking care of. Some kids need kindness. Some need understanding. Some need support. Some, as in the case of me, need discipline. That's what makes Mother's so great. They have to learn to adapt on the fly.
In the era that I grew up in, it was a completely different family unit than what we have now. We didn't have my mom working while growing up, so in essence, most of my upbringing came from my mom because Dad was usually at work. You didn't have both parents working usually, so that's just how it happened. Mom took care of the house and Dad took care of the money. I really think that Mom drew the short straw while looking back.
Now what made our family a little different was that all three of us siblings were adopted. First my brother, then my sister, and then the greatest was saved for last. . . . . ME!!!! Once my folks had me in their arms, they just KNEW that they couldn't improve on me, so that was it, no more kids needed. People have asked me if there is a difference in being adopted and I have to say that there is, but it doesn't mean that we didn't have the same love in our house that others had. I was adopted roughly 2 months after my birth. My parents came home from vacation and there was a message from the adoption agency that I was all set to go. They ran right over and got me and the rest is history. Yeah, it's kind of boring, but I like to picture it more like this to add some flare to it.
(Screen goes blurry as I go to fantasy land)
My parents decided to adopt one more child because my sister and brother . . . . "just weren't right". They needed a child that was going to be perfect in every way because they already knew that the two they already had weren't going to be that child. So off to the Baby Store in the Mall. They walked in and could see to the right, all the little cages with babies in them. (For those of you that have seen a puppy store in the mall, this visual is working for you.) They walked up to the glass and started looking at all the little babies that were up for adoption. They saw a little girl but, after the experience they were having with my sister, they knew they didn't want another one of them. So they kept looking.
They could see babies rolling around in their cages, some screaming for attention, some sleeping peacefully, some sitting in their food bowls, but as they looked. . . . one caught their eye. It was the most perfect looking baby boy they had EVER seen. I mean, this baby boy made the one they already had look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. (This was me if you haven't guessed by now) I was sitting in my cage WORKING IT!!!!! I had my diaper hanging a little low so I looked cool. I was sitting in my cage leaning back against the rear wall and I was popping my baby food in my mouth like the Romans used to do. There was a glow. . . . THAT'S RIGHT. . . . A GLOW, coming from inside the cage because of just how perfect I was. I'm also picturing sun glasses, but I'm not sure how I would have gotten a hold of a pair, so I guess I will leave them out. If we would have been in Rome, I would have been called GREATICUS BABICUS!!!!
Their jaws hit the ground and they knew they had to have me. They were just so shocked that I was still available, so they asked one of the workers what the story was on me. The worker told them that I had just appeared like magic a couple of hours before they arrived. One second the cage was empty, then I was just there. It was like the Heaven's opened up and shot me down directly for them. They took one more look at my greatness and I gave them the CUTEST wink that they ever did see and I also gave them that little finger gun thing like I was shooting at them. If they could have heard inside my cage, they would have heard me say, "Goo. . . Goo". They immediately signed the paperwork and after paying $3.52 for me, I was loaded up in the car to be taken to my new home.
(Scream goes blurry again as we come back from fantasy land)
Adoption or no adoption, there is nothing like a Mother's love for their child. Now I might get some flack for this, but I had the greatest Mother in the WORLD. She didn't give birth to me, but she loved me the second she saw me, (I know. Who doesn't RIGHT?). From the second I was in her arms, I was her child and that is what Motherhood is all about. She would protect me, guide me, punish me (which I swear she enjoyed that), wash my mouth out with soap, love me, and be there for me in whatever capacity she was needed. She put herself second and her children first, except for when it came to our dog Benji that we later got, then it was Benji, Kids, THEN her.
I could make you laugh with story after story with all the different times I got in trouble, but this isn't the time or place for that. Nope, this one is to share the love that I have had for my Mother my entire life. She didn't HAVE to be a Mother, she CHOSE TO BE A MOTHER. That right there should tell you all you need to know about my Mom. She wanted kids, and even though God didn't give her the ability to have any of her own, she did everything in her power to get three kids to love. Even though the first two kids were duds, she ended up with the glowing perfect baby, ME, in the end. You know what they say, the third times the charm.
I am lucky enough to still have my Mother with me today. I actually work with her in real estate, so I get the joy, sometimes, of being around her day after day. Even though she's 80 now and I have noticed changes in her, there is one thing that is still the same. SHE LOVES ME WITH ALL OF HER HEART. She is still there for me when I need her, she still protects me from what she can, she still would wash my mouth out with soap if I gave her a reason, and she is still there for me in whatever capacity I need her. It's funny, but being we are in real estate together, she always has told me that I can call her Betty when we are doing business, but something about that just doesn't feel right, to me, she will ALWAYS be MOM!!!!
***I just made the mistake of letting her read a little of this so she is now rattling off story after story of things I should tell you about my childhood. Like the way she used to turn the playpen upside down over me so she could take a shower because I was an escape artist, or the time she took me at 2 years old to a funeral two states away and how perfect I was all the way until I walked into the funeral and decided to begin laughing loud and hard with NOTHING being able to stop me. She keeps saying things, but I will stop there. (There Mom. Those are for you.)
So if you are lucky enough to still have your Mother around like I am, BE THANKFUL and let her know that you are. If your Mother is no longer with you, then take a moment on Mother's Day to say Thank You to her because we all know she can still hear you. If you are married and you have children, make sure you let your wife know that you appreciate her and take your cheap butt out to the store and get her something from the kids. It's the very least you can do. Mother's Day is for that person in your life that has been there for you. It might not even be your real Mother, but someone that has been a Mother figure to you. TELL THEM THANKS!!!!! Let us celebrate the Mothers this Sunday with all the respect and love that we can give them, because remember Fathers, Father's Day is coming too and we want gifts also!!!!!
I'm going to wrap this puke up with a poem that I wrote last year for my Mom. You don't have to keep reading if you don't want to see my "soft" side, but I got tears from her off of this puppy, so I'm going to share it. Plus she wanted me to put it on here, so I'm going to obey her. Ain't I a great son???
It's Mother's Day
Throughout my life and all it brings,
There always seems few constant things.
Taxes are high and bills need paid,
but those aren't something that God has made.
What God did for me, 41 years ago,
Was bring me into love and let me grow.
He gave me a Mom that would be there for me,
Two parents in love, that was plain to see.
You showed me the way to grow up with big smiles,
You showed me your strength through the toughest of miles.
You taught me to try even when I might fail,
You held my small hand and were the wind in my sail.
Now years have passed by and one thing stays true,
All that you taught me still gets me through.
I still see your strength through the tough times of life,
I still see your love no matter the strife.
I might still fall down, but I know that you'll be,
Right beside me Mom, to comfort me.
You put yourself aside to make sure we're OK,
But sometimes you need me and so I will say.
Mom, I love you with all that I am.
I thank you for loving me, and offer all that I can.
I know that the road has been crushing at times,
Losses felt forever, the grief felt sometimes.
Just know that I'm there with you, even in spirit
The wind in YOUR sails and I want you to hear it.
I'm so thankful you're my mother and God had His way,
On giving me the best Mom on this Mother's Day!!!!
With Mother's Day on the horizon, I think it's only appropriate to discuss Mothers everywhere and to give thanks for what they have done and to give them some "Mad Props" for putting up with each and every one of us. In the case of me, my Mother TRULY deserves a medal for putting up with the crap I have put her through. Don't believe me, ask her!
What is a Mother? What constitutes Motherhood? What qualifications are needed to be deemed Mother worthy? Well if what I saw at Universal Studio's this past weekend was any indication, it really takes NO QUALIFICATIONS to be considered a Mother. Anyone can do it, but they can't all be good.
We were at Universal Studio's with some friends this past weekend in order to enjoy the park, watch the Mardi Gras parade, and to see the free concert offered that evening. So after a long day of walking around the park, we all decided to find us a place to sit down in order to have a great viewing area for the parade. We ended up finding a perfect spot, took a seat on the curb, and had roughly forty five minutes to wait until the parade begins. As we sat there, my wife turned to me and said, "Scott. Look across the street at those kids." I glanced across the street and at first I didn't see what was going on that warranted my attention. I just saw a lady and two kids in strollers sitting there. The kids were probably 1-2 years old and nothing seemed out of the ordinary until I noticed that they both were chewing on something.
(Insert double take and a squint here) Upon further review, I noticed that the kids were in fact chewing on something and this something was the flip flops from the ladies feet that sat in front of them. THAT'S RIGHT!!!!! I'll give you a second to let that sink in . . . . . . . . . . . gag . . . . . . . . . . . Okay. Time's up. This "Mother" had decided to take her flip flops off, THAT SHE HAD BEEN WEARING ALL DAY, and hand them to her precious bundles of joy in order to let them exercise their teeth on whatever funk was on those puppies. By the look of her filthy black bare feet, there was PLENTY OF FUNK to go around. Now all of a sudden it was like a train wreck. I couldn't look away!!!! All I could do was sit there and watch as the one child held this flip flop like it was the greatest thing EVER and gnaw on it like it was a Popsicle. I was shocked, amazed, amused, and disgusted all at the same time, and trust me when I say, "That was a lot of emotion to go through over this rare parenting feat." I was half tempted to scrape up the gum that was stuck to the sidewalk next to me and carry it over for the lady to give them as a night time snack. Surely they would love a piece of ABC peppermint gum with a pebble and a hair in it wouldn't they? Yummy!!!! Hard to compete with the flavor of Theme Park and feet though I imagine. It just seemed like this lady must have missed Parenting Tip #5. . . . Under NO circumstances are you to hand your child your USED footwear as a chew toy. There are germs that could be passed to them and their breath will smell like FEET!!!!!
So since anyone can pretty much be considered a Mother, then what makes a truly great Mother?
I truly don't think there can be a blueprint here. I think one of the cool things about being a parent is that you are able to adapt your style of parenting to fit the child you are taking care of. Some kids need kindness. Some need understanding. Some need support. Some, as in the case of me, need discipline. That's what makes Mother's so great. They have to learn to adapt on the fly.
In the era that I grew up in, it was a completely different family unit than what we have now. We didn't have my mom working while growing up, so in essence, most of my upbringing came from my mom because Dad was usually at work. You didn't have both parents working usually, so that's just how it happened. Mom took care of the house and Dad took care of the money. I really think that Mom drew the short straw while looking back.
Now what made our family a little different was that all three of us siblings were adopted. First my brother, then my sister, and then the greatest was saved for last. . . . . ME!!!! Once my folks had me in their arms, they just KNEW that they couldn't improve on me, so that was it, no more kids needed. People have asked me if there is a difference in being adopted and I have to say that there is, but it doesn't mean that we didn't have the same love in our house that others had. I was adopted roughly 2 months after my birth. My parents came home from vacation and there was a message from the adoption agency that I was all set to go. They ran right over and got me and the rest is history. Yeah, it's kind of boring, but I like to picture it more like this to add some flare to it.
(Screen goes blurry as I go to fantasy land)
My parents decided to adopt one more child because my sister and brother . . . . "just weren't right". They needed a child that was going to be perfect in every way because they already knew that the two they already had weren't going to be that child. So off to the Baby Store in the Mall. They walked in and could see to the right, all the little cages with babies in them. (For those of you that have seen a puppy store in the mall, this visual is working for you.) They walked up to the glass and started looking at all the little babies that were up for adoption. They saw a little girl but, after the experience they were having with my sister, they knew they didn't want another one of them. So they kept looking.
They could see babies rolling around in their cages, some screaming for attention, some sleeping peacefully, some sitting in their food bowls, but as they looked. . . . one caught their eye. It was the most perfect looking baby boy they had EVER seen. I mean, this baby boy made the one they already had look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. (This was me if you haven't guessed by now) I was sitting in my cage WORKING IT!!!!! I had my diaper hanging a little low so I looked cool. I was sitting in my cage leaning back against the rear wall and I was popping my baby food in my mouth like the Romans used to do. There was a glow. . . . THAT'S RIGHT. . . . A GLOW, coming from inside the cage because of just how perfect I was. I'm also picturing sun glasses, but I'm not sure how I would have gotten a hold of a pair, so I guess I will leave them out. If we would have been in Rome, I would have been called GREATICUS BABICUS!!!!
Their jaws hit the ground and they knew they had to have me. They were just so shocked that I was still available, so they asked one of the workers what the story was on me. The worker told them that I had just appeared like magic a couple of hours before they arrived. One second the cage was empty, then I was just there. It was like the Heaven's opened up and shot me down directly for them. They took one more look at my greatness and I gave them the CUTEST wink that they ever did see and I also gave them that little finger gun thing like I was shooting at them. If they could have heard inside my cage, they would have heard me say, "Goo. . . Goo". They immediately signed the paperwork and after paying $3.52 for me, I was loaded up in the car to be taken to my new home.
(Scream goes blurry again as we come back from fantasy land)
Adoption or no adoption, there is nothing like a Mother's love for their child. Now I might get some flack for this, but I had the greatest Mother in the WORLD. She didn't give birth to me, but she loved me the second she saw me, (I know. Who doesn't RIGHT?). From the second I was in her arms, I was her child and that is what Motherhood is all about. She would protect me, guide me, punish me (which I swear she enjoyed that), wash my mouth out with soap, love me, and be there for me in whatever capacity she was needed. She put herself second and her children first, except for when it came to our dog Benji that we later got, then it was Benji, Kids, THEN her.
I could make you laugh with story after story with all the different times I got in trouble, but this isn't the time or place for that. Nope, this one is to share the love that I have had for my Mother my entire life. She didn't HAVE to be a Mother, she CHOSE TO BE A MOTHER. That right there should tell you all you need to know about my Mom. She wanted kids, and even though God didn't give her the ability to have any of her own, she did everything in her power to get three kids to love. Even though the first two kids were duds, she ended up with the glowing perfect baby, ME, in the end. You know what they say, the third times the charm.
I am lucky enough to still have my Mother with me today. I actually work with her in real estate, so I get the joy, sometimes, of being around her day after day. Even though she's 80 now and I have noticed changes in her, there is one thing that is still the same. SHE LOVES ME WITH ALL OF HER HEART. She is still there for me when I need her, she still protects me from what she can, she still would wash my mouth out with soap if I gave her a reason, and she is still there for me in whatever capacity I need her. It's funny, but being we are in real estate together, she always has told me that I can call her Betty when we are doing business, but something about that just doesn't feel right, to me, she will ALWAYS be MOM!!!!
The Sweitzer Team
***I just made the mistake of letting her read a little of this so she is now rattling off story after story of things I should tell you about my childhood. Like the way she used to turn the playpen upside down over me so she could take a shower because I was an escape artist, or the time she took me at 2 years old to a funeral two states away and how perfect I was all the way until I walked into the funeral and decided to begin laughing loud and hard with NOTHING being able to stop me. She keeps saying things, but I will stop there. (There Mom. Those are for you.)
So if you are lucky enough to still have your Mother around like I am, BE THANKFUL and let her know that you are. If your Mother is no longer with you, then take a moment on Mother's Day to say Thank You to her because we all know she can still hear you. If you are married and you have children, make sure you let your wife know that you appreciate her and take your cheap butt out to the store and get her something from the kids. It's the very least you can do. Mother's Day is for that person in your life that has been there for you. It might not even be your real Mother, but someone that has been a Mother figure to you. TELL THEM THANKS!!!!! Let us celebrate the Mothers this Sunday with all the respect and love that we can give them, because remember Fathers, Father's Day is coming too and we want gifts also!!!!!
I'm going to wrap this puke up with a poem that I wrote last year for my Mom. You don't have to keep reading if you don't want to see my "soft" side, but I got tears from her off of this puppy, so I'm going to share it. Plus she wanted me to put it on here, so I'm going to obey her. Ain't I a great son???
It's Mother's Day
Throughout my life and all it brings,
There always seems few constant things.
Taxes are high and bills need paid,
but those aren't something that God has made.
What God did for me, 41 years ago,
Was bring me into love and let me grow.
He gave me a Mom that would be there for me,
Two parents in love, that was plain to see.
You showed me the way to grow up with big smiles,
You showed me your strength through the toughest of miles.
You taught me to try even when I might fail,
You held my small hand and were the wind in my sail.
Now years have passed by and one thing stays true,
All that you taught me still gets me through.
I still see your strength through the tough times of life,
I still see your love no matter the strife.
I might still fall down, but I know that you'll be,
Right beside me Mom, to comfort me.
You put yourself aside to make sure we're OK,
But sometimes you need me and so I will say.
Mom, I love you with all that I am.
I thank you for loving me, and offer all that I can.
I know that the road has been crushing at times,
Losses felt forever, the grief felt sometimes.
Just know that I'm there with you, even in spirit
The wind in YOUR sails and I want you to hear it.
I'm so thankful you're my mother and God had His way,
On giving me the best Mom on this Mother's Day!!!!
So to my Mom, I say I love you with all my heart and thank you for choosing to have me in your life. You are an inspiration to me and I will always thank God for placing me into your home.
So to my Wife, I say I love you too with all my heart and thank you for being such a wonderful mother to your children. You use your love to help guide their way and I am truly honored to be able to share this trip with you.
And to all the Mother's out there I say, "Don't be sad because your didn't get a child as perfect as me. We can't all win the lottery. Only MY Mom did."
Seriously though, thank you all for taking on one of the toughest jobs in the world and never complaining about it. You are loved and you are respected and you truly do deserve to have your own day. Make this day all about you and enjoy all the blessings that go with Motherhood. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!
Smile!!!
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