Signs that the World is REALLY going to end.

I would have loved to have been inside Harold Camping's church this past Sunday morning.    Sitting there with all the other believers and waiting for him to get up to the pulpit and say this:

"Ladies and Gentlemen.  The name of today's sermon is. . . . . .OOPS.  I did it again." (because this is the second time he pulled this one)

So I got to thinking, what in the world kind of signs would I have to be looking for that would truly tell me the end of the world was coming?  I know we have the whole earthquake, floods, wars, and pestilence, but I also feel there could be some really definitive signs that would tell me the end of the world was nigh.  Let's see if you agree with me.

#1.  Lady GaGa and Justin Beiber decide to get married.  The create an empire called Lady Beiber and begin to take over the world with their new and exciting brand of music, clothes, hair care products, and make-up that makes you look like a homeless person.  They only grow more powerful when they have their first kid and they name it Lady GooGoo Beiber, even though it's a boy.   This child has all the weirdness of GaGa added with the "I don't know what it is" of Beiber, and two days after his birth, he puts out his first album, "From my Womb" and the album flies to number 1 on the strength of the chart toppers off of it like, My Parents are Nuts, Why Was I Born This Way? and Blackjack Face.  The mixture of all three of these forces on earth at the same time would definitely give me the sign that the end of the world was coming.


#2.  Microsoft would, after years and years of success, unveil the newest product that will change the way that everyone functions in today's society.  It would be called the I-Don't Give A Crap.  People would run to shell out their $2,200 to get their hands on this incredible invention.  There would be riots, theft, and chaos because the demand for this product couldn't be met.  What does this product do?   NOTHING.  It's just a white pad the size of a notebook that when you turn it on, it does nothing.  The light comes on and only the Microsoft logo appears, but they were able to brainwash into thinking that this was the "coolest" device to have when you need to look cool.  It's like a "down with the system" statement for all the yuppies.  For an extra $600, you can add a pair of headphones that don't work either and different colored face plates that let you give this useless piece of crap its own identity.

#3.  McDonald's finally buys out Burger King forming the largest fast food chain on the market.  They decide to just place the word King in front of McDonalds to signify their victory, so King McDonalds is now born.  In the truly scary part of the entire takeover, the marketing geniuses decide to use both Ronald McDonald and the Burger King in all their commercials.  Now I already have a fear of clowns, see past blog, but I have also developed an extreme fear of that stupid Burger King in the ads.  That King freaks the crap out of me so this would also be another sign that the end of the World was coming.  The King and the Clown trying to tempt me with delicious fast food until I reached for it, and like the scene with Pennywise from IT, they would reveal their huge fangs and eat me like one huge Scotty McNugget.   I'm shaking now from just the thought.

#4.  A game show comes on TV where they take someone that is not paying their car bills and the repo men have to be called.  Well once the Repo men get there, they give the loser a chance to win back their car that they HAVEN'T been paying for in the first place.  To add to the drama, they will ask this person that has NOT BEEN LIVING UP TO THEIR END OF A CONTRACT, five easy questions in order to give them that chance to  win their car back THAT THEY HAVEN'T PAID ON IN QUITE SOME TIME.  But to make it easier on the FREELOADER, they will make them only have to get 3 of these questions right.  Yep, you only need to score a 66% to win your car free and clear that YOU FELT YOU DIDN'T NEED TO MAKE THE PAYMENTS ON.   Let's call this show Repo Games.  What a better way to show society that you really don't need to pay your bills to get bailed out free and clear for knowing two songs off Michael Jackson's Thriller album.  And let's not pick the ones that are just down on their luck, NO, let's pick the lowest form of society with gangsters, rednecks, and drug dealers.  After all, if you can't help someone that has NO INTENTION of doing the right thing, WHO CAN YOU HELP????   Oh wait, I just turned on the TV and there IS a show like this already.  OH NO!!!  Maybe Harold was a little right.

Now for the lightning round.

#5. They come out with a sequel to No Country For Old Men calling it No Ending for Stupid Movie.


#6. American Idol finally does away with theme weeks and lets the singers sing songs from artists that are relevant to them.   They also don't let America decide who is in the final 5, they let the judges earn their money and decide who goes on or not. (Sorry.  I'm still bitter about James being voted off.)

#7.  In a bold political move, Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton join forces to go after the presidency AND THEY WIN in a landslide over Donald and Ivanka Trump!!!!   After 6 months in office, their cycles sync, and from that moment on, there is a small country blown up once every 28 days.

#8.  Kate Gosselin, The Duggers, and the Octomom all join forces and take over Canada in like 3 days of annoying the crap out of the country.  They immediately change the name from Canada, to LATSM, which stands for. . . Look at these stretch marks.  Not that this would really be the end of the world, but them having their own country CAN'T BE GOOD!!!!  In like six years, they would have the same population as America. 

#9.  Someone turns out to like all my writing and decides to give me a book deal, magazine deal, and a tour to promote myself.  I will be given millions of dollars up front and the second I have it in my hand. . . . . . . . . THE FREAKING END OF THE WORLD COMES!!!!!   MY LUCK!!!!!!

Smile!!!