So Merry Christmas, oh yes I did say the "C" word, and I hope your holiday season is filled with wonder and magic. I figured I would take a moment to "puke" about what I want for Christmas this year in hope that Santa is reading my blog. I mean why wouldn't Father Christmas stop on a blog that is titled Mental Vomiting? I know when I think genius, vomit comes to my mind. So here it is, Sir Jolly Britches, if you happen to find me while browsing the Internet for Elves in swimsuits or Ebay buying up all the remaining Twinkies.
Scott's Official Christmas List
#1. I would like for the Kardashians to disappear from the limelight. I mean, enough is enough. What in the world did any of these woman do to deserve all this "fame"? I watched like 5 minutes of their show, and all I saw was some needy, ego driven, woman trying to act like they were actually relevant. I really would like to see each and everyone of them go bye bye please. Please give Bruce Jenner his face back though, because I swear I got him and Joan Rivers confused the other day. Sheesh! I bet when he blinks he gives himself a wedgie!
#2. Thank you for granting my wish for yanking Jersey Shore off the air, but did you really have to replace it with Honey Boo Boo? Granted, there are moments that I see the show when I feel better about myself as a human, but then I realize that they are getting paid more money than I make to act like ignorant fools. That just then makes me wonder why I never thought of that and then I'm sad. You don't like me sad now do you Red Man?
#3. While I'm on the topic of pop culture, can you please do something about Nicki Minaj? I actually have been watching American Idol the past couple of years, because I'm married now, and when I found out she was going to be the new judge, I swore off the show because that "woman" is unwatchable. She is rude, untalented, and a product of everything wrong with America today and by putting her there as a judge, teens will now think she's important and worth emulating. If you can't get her out of the limelight, then just get her, Kanye West, and the Kardashians their own show called, America's Got No Talent. That seems a bit more suited for them and I might even watch that one just to see the train wreck.
#4. Please feel free to also take away anyone that is still doing Gangnam Style. I didn't like it the first time when it was called the Macarana, and I certainly don't like it now. I have been doing that dance for years every time I get finished eating at a buffet, but no one made me famous as I did it heading to the nearest bathroom!
#5. Can you please bring me my metabolism back? It seems as though the past 5 or 6 years you keep ignoring me on that one. Why? Just because you want me to look like you isn't enough of a reason to deny me what is rightfully mine. I get it, I can't eat like I used to without doing some kind of exercise, but trust me, bending over to tie my shoes is exercise enough in my world. I think you are just jealous that you have to keep your fat image up and decide to take it out on all of us. Well just because you have to be the fat guy in the red suit doesn't mean that I have to be the fat guy in the jogging suit! Bring it back Santa, set my metabolism free! Attica, Attica!
#6. I have seen so many people put the joke up about you that reads, "Please Santa bring me a big fat bank account and a skinny body for Christmas, and please don't mix it up like last year." I'm going to make it simpler for you Rosie Cheeks. Just bring me a big fat bank account. Simple as that. Trust me, if I just got the bank account, then I can pay for the other myself. Then maybe I could get my own TV show like Bruce Rivers.
#7. Now the rapid fire round:
a. All kids that blare their car stereos at full volume to go deaf.
b. Stop putting the slowest cashier in the Express Lane at the grocery store.
c. Create an app that if a person's phone rings during a movie, the phone explodes. This applies to texting too.
d. Let the people that find it perfectly acceptable that the "F" word can be said anytime and anyplace, but me saying Christmas is horrible, come down with a really itchy rash.
e. Please let this country stop being so P.C. It's to the point now where you really can't joke about anything without offending someone. We are way too uptight Santa.
f. Let every show that thinks it's okay to make fun of my God have the balls to make fun of every religion's god. Just doesn't seem fair that my God is fair game, but the M one can't be touched in fear of being killed. Either grow a set and be fair, or shut up and find something else to make fun of. (See above celebrities mentioned if you need an idea)
g. Can you please stop the hair loss on the top of my head and hair growth in my ears? That makes absolutely NO SENSE. I think I'm going deaf, but it's really because I have a Chia Pet growing in my ear canal. STUPID!!!!
h. Can you please leave a handbook at every one's house that have the explanation for the following words:
Your, You're, There, Their, They're
i. Please take this illness that I've had for almost 6 weeks away. I'm really sick of coughing up lunch every 10 minutes or so. I feel like a soup commercial. "It's the snot that eats like a meal."
Well that should cover it for now. I will get back to you if I think of anything else. Merry Christmas Santa and a Happy New Year. Hope you are able to take care of this for me. If not, I understand, but you will be getting Aunt Ronda's sugar free chocolate bars with Soy milk when you stop by this year. You have been warned!!!
Oh yeah, I also want peace and earth, good will . . .yada, yada, yada. See, I'm not all about me.
Smile!
