Here!!! Have a laugh at MY expense!!! No Charge.

When I started this blog, I said to myself that I would pretty much put anything out here that I found either funny, interesting, deep, sad, or as in this case, disturbing, gross, and embarrassing.  Which leads me to this "puke".  For those of you that know me, it will make this story that much more disturbing and funny for you.  For those of you that don't know me. . . .sorry for your loss.  Some of you have heard this story, but since many of my followers are newer to my world, I thought I would share this ultimate embarrassment to them as well.  Share and share alike I aways say. 

*disclaimer*  This story contains horrific word pictures involving poop and the stains they can leave behind, or on the behind.  So if you get offended by any reference to doodie, STOP READING NOW!!!  The writer of this blog accepts NO responsibility for any nausea, mental trauma, loss of sleep, cases of creepies, shutters, and sadness that might arise out of the reading of the following story.  Scott has no money, so don't even bother suing him.  You won't get anything but blogged about!!!!   

I will start off by saying sadly that this story is 100% true.  I haven't changed the name or identities of any of the participants for their protection, even though I probably should have.  What started off as me spending a day with my family out and about, turned into my own, and other's, nightmare.  I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one traumatized that day.  Trust me, you'll see what I mean.

The plan was quite simple.  The family woke up one morning and decided to head out of town to visit a mall which is much larger than the mall in our town.   How simple is that?  What could possibly go wrong with that easy plan?  Just some shopping, fun, and food with the family.  There is NO WAY I can screw this up.  Or is there????

We made the 40 minute drive without a hitch, and when we arrived, we decided that we all were hungry since is was lunch time.  We took a vote and decided to eat at a restaurant there in the mall called Garfield's.  The meal was good, but I can't remember exactly what I ate.  It's safe to say though that I didn't order off the "healthy choice" menu. In fact, if a restaurant would have an "unhealthy section" in their menu, that would be the ONLY page that I would need.  

***T.M.I. (Too Much Information) Alert***

I need to point out that my digestive track processes "crap" food really quickly.  I can usually tell the quality of the food by just how long I have before I feel the first gurgle, and then have to do the "Clenched Cheeks" run of my life towards the bathroom. I will usually have to do the "Running of the Bowels" either in the restaurant or if I decide to test it, I will have a very long and silent drive home praying to the good Lord above to let me just make it home to my own throne where my handheld solitaire machine waits.  Unfortunately though, my prayers have gone unanswered quite a few times though, and I now have several gas stations that have my picture hanging in their establishment with a sign saying:

If you see this man looking like this:

and running like he is trying to hold a credit card between his butt cheeks. . . . .

LOCK THE DOORS!!!!!!!

So anyways, I digress.  Back to the "event".

We all finished our meals and decided to go walk the mall and do some shopping.  I didn't have the need to go to the restroom at this time, so all was good.  We walked down the hall and Linda, my wife, wanted to head into some kitchen store to look around, so I followed being the wonderful husband that I am.  As I walked into the store,  I felt a sneeze coming.  An innocent little sneeze.  I mean, what could possibly go wrong with just SNEEZING???  So I did what anyone would do.   I stopped and sneezed!!!

"AAAAAACHOOOOOOOOO . . . . . . . . *SQUIRT*"

Well at the same time that I sneezed, I shot a Hershey Kiss out my butt. It wasn't a solid Hershey Kiss, but a melted one and I knew I was in trouble right away.  There was no warning this was going to happen.  I had no gurgle at all.  This was a surprise to me AND my Tighty Whities.  I felt like I did back in the 2nd grade in Miss Nordstrom's class when the same thing happened to me back then.  I went into shock.

I found Linda quickly and told her that I had to go to the bathroom NOW!!! I told her that I would catch up with her later because I knew this was going to take awhile. She had seen that look on my face many times before, so she knew what was up. Her hubby had to go.  Little did she know though, that I had already decided to start going before I got there.

I walked ever so gingerly, but fast, towards the restroom and when I got in there, I have to say, IT WASN'T PRETTY.  It kind of looked like a crime scene from "CSI Lake Wales".  So after the the realization that I just crapped myself for the first time in 33 years, I cleaned up the best that I could. In retrospect, I probably should of just thrown my underwear away and went "commando", but I thought I cleaned up well enough to get through the rest of my day.  Little did I know. (Are you puking yet?)

So I headed back to find her to do the rest of the shopping , confident that all was right in the world and my "accident" would NEVER be discovered and my pride would still be intact.  Well like most shopping trips to the mall, we wandered around for the next hour looking at useless items and not buying a dang thing.  We decided it was time to leave and head home after the wife and kids took their own bathroom breaks before making the drive.  I didn't have to go, so I decided to wait in the food court while they went. As most trips go with my family, we didn't go straight home but we ended up stopping at Walmart, Home Depot, and Winn Dixie, a grocery store, here in town.  This is where the the crap hits the fan!!!  (great choice of words as you will see)

As we shopped for groceries, I was just standing there minding my own business, and Dallas, my stepson, was walking behind me.  Being that he was roughly 8 at the time, he was just tall enough to make this gruesome discovery.  All of a sudden he blurts THIS out of his little mouth, "Scott crapped his pants".  I had one of those surreal moments that I would liken to an out of body experience as the words flew out of his mouth.  My mind was racing.  "How does he know what happened back at the mall?"  "I'm going to kill myself?"  "I'm going to kill HIM!" "Oh DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!"  I was back in the 2nd grade again reliving the moment of terror that Little Susie Farkle got the first whiff of my "Faux Pas" after lunch. 

God bless my wife Linda.  She immediately took up for me and was angry that Dallas was blurting this out for the world to hear without any grounds.  She didn't see, however, that he DID have grounds because she is taller than him and didn't have his viewpoint on the "situation".   She said, "DALLAS.  What in the world are you talking about.  Don't say stuff like that out loud about ANYONE when it's not true."  Well Dallas knew something that she didn't, so he decided to put the final nail in my coffin and my pride.  He pointed and said, "Well he did. Look". Linda walked behind me and as her hand went to her mouth, I knew something was amiss.  I felt right then and there, her opinion of her new husband was going to change in a second.  She was about to look into the pits of Hell and see her future.  Well she started laughing, or crying, the two sounds are very alike,  and told me that I might want to go sit in the car for the remainder of the trip.  I tried to tell myself that this wasn't happening by saying "Why?" and she proceeded to tell me about the huge brown stain on the back of my shorts.  Mortified, I walked out of the store like I did back in the 2nd grade when I had to go to the office to place the call to the folks that I needed a change of clothes.  I could almost hear the laughs of the other children as I walked out to the car.  It might have been the cashiers laughing, but I'm telling myself that it was all inside my head.  This might explain, however, why all the cashiers use the hand sanitizer right after I hand them money.  Hmmmmm.

Here is the reality of what happened, I had worn my really light tan, almost white, cargo shorts this fine day. They are pretty thin and, unbeknownst to me, I guess my clean up attempt didn't quite go as planned and if I would have been a criminal trying to clean up a crime scene, I would have been busted within 24 hours. 

As I sat in my car feeling embarrassed beyond belief, I suddenly realized.  I had been walking around almost this whole time with a Keebler's fudge strip down the back of my shorts!!!!  Every store I was in, every person that had the joy of walking behind me, got a view of my skid mark from Hell. I played back the video tape in my mind of all the places we had been that could have seen this abomination.  AND THEN IT HIT ME!!!!

Remember that little part I mentioned about waiting in the food court while Linda and the kids had to go to the restroom?  Like a ton of bricks it dawned on me. When I was waiting on them, feeling lazy, I had leaned over one of the trash cans there in the food court. So picture this, you are eating in the food court and you look up. Here, about 10 feet from you and your family, is a 40 year old guy that is as big as Shrek, bending over and leaning on the trash cans with his butt in the air as he waits on his family. He has the biggest CRAP stain down the center of his shorts and now you're supposed to enjoy your bean burrito from Senorita's Taco Hut.  All I could do was lay my head on the steering wheel and choke back the tears of my embarrassment.

The family returned to the car and the laughs at my expense were flowing like wine.  I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide for awhile until it blew over.  My pride put up the "Gone Fishing" sign and closed up the shop.  I had to laugh with them because I didn't want them to see me cry.

We arrived home and I rushed to the restroom to see what was going on back there. You know how sometimes you spill something on your clothes at work and you look in the mirror and say, "It's okay. You can hardly see it"?  WELL THIS WASN'T ONE OF THOSE TIMES!!!!!  One look at the damage and I wanted to die. It was like a painter came up behind me and sprayed a can of dark brown paint on me.  Stevie Wonder would have come up behind me and said, "Look!!!  That guy crapped his pants."  Now my pride called and told me that it was going on vacation for a very, very long time.

Well I'm happy to report that there has been NO repeat of this event since that day years ago, and my pride called and said that the vacation is ALMOST over. I do have a feeling though that if my pride reads my blog, he's going to stay away a bit longer.

I hope you enjoyed the laugh at my expense and. . . .

Smile!!!