*Burp* . . . . . Did someone say diet?

First off, I would like to take this moment to say thank you for having such a great time laughing at my expense on my last blog. That blog has quickly become the #2 most read blog just under the one "Be Kind with Your Behind".  Look at that!   "Potty humor" = RATINGS!!!!   It's nice to know that me sneezing out of both ends could reach out and touch each and every one of your hearts in a way that made it a "feel good moment" for all of you.  In fact, I found out from Linda, that an entire drug reps office had an impromptu "story time" in the office as they read that blog out loud to the entire office.    So I guess the key to getting my "puke" read more is to tell stories of just how stupid, gross, and idiotic I am.  Trust me, I'm all those things and so much more, so feel free to enjoy the ride at my expense.  After all, if you know me, I will do just about ANYTHING for a laugh.  If you doubt me, watch this shameless plug below:

I was going to try to keep this "puke" from having ANYTHING to do with the gluteus maximus, but when I figured out what topic I was going to tackle, I threw that right out of the window because once again I'm talking about my butt. My big fat butt. 

When looking around in my head for a topic, by pure luck it came to me.  Of course it took some "good 'ol" Facebook drama to make me think in this direction, but after this event, I had to tackle this large topic head, and butt (ratings), on.   If you still have a metabolism, then this one probably isn't for you.  I'm talking to the "older" folks out there that their metabolism has packed its bags and is just sitting there looking out the window waiting for the bus to come pick it up and take it to Florida.  I'm talking to the ones that woke up one morning, took a shower, looked in the mirror and said, "HOLY CRAP!!!  WHO'S THAT TUB OF LARD IN THE MIRROR???"  I'm talking to the men and women that if they drop something on the floor, they REALLY have to decide the importance of that item and wonder if it's worth bending over for to pick it up.  "Do I really NEED that baby?  I can always make another one." 

If some of you are like me, once you hit your 30's, an odd thing began to happen.  You would eat exactly like you always have, but all of a sudden, you would look down and notice your feet were shorter.  In reality though, it was just your stomach sticking out farther and blocking your feet, but I liked to think that my feet TRULY WERE SHRINKING.  I had myself convinced that I had contracted some rare disease from some far away land that caused my appendages to shrink.  So after a trip to the shoe store and finding out I was still my size 11 1/2, I had to slowly face another Realitree!!!  (No.  I didn't misspell that.  I created that term back two "pukes" ago in Life as a Step Parent.  I liked it so much, I'm going to start using it.)   I WAS STARTING TO GROW!!!!  AGHHHHHHHHH

Unfortunately, we all have to come to the realization that we truly ARE getting bigger.  We have to face the facts that sitting on the couch watching TV and devouring an entire half gallon, well now it's NOT a half gallon because of communism, is just not in our rumps best interest.  That fifth slice of pizza is now something that we are going to HAVE to deal with later.  The walk to the kitchen to get the cookies ISN'T going to burn enough calories to wipe out that Snickers Bar, bag of microwave popcorn, and those Ritz Crackers with peanut butter ALREADY in them, (because we all know what a pain it is to have to put the peanut butter on the crackers ourselves.  I mean, crumbs and peanut butter goo everywhere, YUCK!), that we just devoured while watching Modern Family.   Face it, we can't act like the Hobbits from the "Lord of the Rings" and  have our second breakfast, elevensees, and so on and so forth because our bodies are just getting older and our metabolism just can't keep up anymore.  "Stupid Metabolism.  Way to stick with us through thin and thick."

So what do we do, besides getting fatter friends than us so we look like the skinny one in the group? We end up doing ALL kinds of different things once we realize things MIGHT be getting out of control.  The internal psychology is great during this time and can be quite funny.  I am SO guilty of all of these, and more, and will still probably be guilty of these in the future.  Here is a few of my favorite steps that I have taken over the years. 

1.  Ignore it.  After all, it's not like I'm ready to call Guiness Book of Records to take the fatest person alive from anyone.   We get to have so many internal conversations with yourself during this time.  "I'm just a little bigger.  It's normal."  "Who am I trying to impress?  I'm married and he/she said, 'For Better or Worse' so that should also include For BIGGER or Worse shouldn't it?"  "I still fit in my clothes, they just fit a little tighter.  Who needs to sit down in these jeans anyways?  I'll just stand the entire time I'm at the party.  I just hope I don't pass out from sucking in my gut so long." (and my favorite)  "I look better with a little more weight on me.  I was way too skinny before."  It's funny just how much we can justify to ourselves with just a little internal conversation.  But then, once the clothes start cutting off circulation, we go to the next step.

2.  Buy Bigger Clothes.  This is the easiest, and quickest way to feel better about yourself.  If you are wearing one size, just hop up a size.  No one needs to know right?  You slide that new size on and guess what?  It fits like a dream!!!   You now have plenty of room in those jeans.  You can stand, sit, bend, and move freely in your new size.  So you congratulate yourself on working SMART, not hard.  Of course, this comes with a risk, what do you do when you start to grow out of THAT size?  YOU BUY THE NEXT SIZE UP!!!!!   DUH!   This is my favorite of all the solutions.  That is, until you find out that you have to now go to "larger sized stores", or as I call them, "Fat Butt Boutiques", to buy your clothes.  You can no longer walk into ANY name brand clothing store and find a single thing that would fit you.  In fact, you walk in and that anorexic clerk looks at you like you HAVE to be in there to ask directions to the food court.  They don't EVEN bother to ask you if they can help, because they ALREADY know the answer to that.  Stupid overly skinny people!!!  It makes me want to just EAT them and be done with them.  You don't know how many times I have wanted to walk into Abercrombie & Fitch store and grab one of their Large graphic Tees.  Then, as the clerk watches me, I waddle right into the dressing room and put that puppy on.  Only to walk out looking like a tube of croissant rolls that you just popped and asking them, "How do I look?"  Just so I can see that little person faint, because that's just funny to see.   BUT after the size thing runs its course, we have to move on to the next step.  The D word!

3. We Go on a Diet.  Those dreaded four letters. Some say DIET is just DIE with a T on the end of it because that's how you feel when you are doing it.  LIKE YOU WANT TO DIE!!!   I tend to think of it this way:

D = Doing

I  = Idiotic

E = Eating

T = Tests

(copyrighted by me)

That's all it is in its most basic form.  How little can we eat to survive?  How much can I get away with and still lose pounds?  Can I eat a chocolate cake in the morning and STILL lose weight?  If I don't eat lunch, does that mean I can eat twice as much at dinner time and it will still equal out?  I've been good all day so I should be able to eat one bowl of ice cream . . .a mixing bowl, but just one bowl RIGHT?  We just start acting like little scientists and start playing with what we eat to see what will happen.  We all go to the grocery store and do the "label look".  You know, where we act like the food is a library book as we slide it off the shelf.  We turn it over like we are reading the books summary.    We then nod our heads as we read the label acting like we actually understand it, well that and just in case someone is watching us, because we want them to know that we are "watching what we eat".  I think, however, it's pretty obvious by my elastic on the side of my jeans that I don't. 

I'm weird in that I'm the type of person that diets based on events that are coming up in my life.  Like last year, I found out that we were going to have our very first High School reunion right around July 4th.  I knew I would be seeing people that I haven't seen for over 20 years and I didn't want them to ask me who I was because instead of looking like Scott . . . I looked like I ATE Scott.  So I crammed it into gear and lost roughly 40 pounds in a two month period.  I watched what I ate, I walked roughly 4-8 miles a day,  I didn't cheat at all up until the time to go to the reunion.  Did I look good?  Not in the least, but most people recognized me, so that was good, and I didn't look like a tick ready to pop.  

Of course, what happened once that reunion was over?  I went right back to walking and watching what I ate.  Of course, my walking consisted of me walking into the kitchen and watching that container of cookies as I pulled them off the shelf to take them into the living room.  I had achieved my goal, so it was treat time for Scotty!!!   Well treat time turned into "eating everything in sight" time and slowly I gained it all back. 

Then I had to plan for my next event.  Halloween Horror Nights at the end of September, (trust me, I will blog about Halloween Horror Nights soon if you don't know what I'm talking about) and since I was such a loser and waited until the beginning of September to do something about my weight, I decided to do something called The Master Cleanse.  If you are not familiar with this, let me sum it up.  It's basically starvation all in the name of "cleansing".  You don't eat anything.  That's right. . . .ANYTHING.  You just drink this water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper concoction instead of meals.  I did the cleanse for 14 days straight and managed to have lost 30 pounds over 18 days.  It was tough, but it was worth it.  I was able to do what took me four months to do for the reunion and do it in just 18 days.  Whoo Hoo!!!  Doing Idiotic Eating Tests. . . . DIET!!!  I now have this in my back pocket to pull out whenever I need to lose it quick.  So if I haven't seen you in a while and you are planning to come see me, at least give me an 18 day notice. 

Halloween Horror Night Weekend finished, and guess who went right back to their bad habits?  Me.  Back to the couch and back to the snacks.  Which brought me to a revelation that I had awhile back.  I LIKE TO EAT!!!   I like the way food tastes, smells, looks, tastes, feels, tastes. . . etc.  I love to snack, I love to go out for a good meal, I love a bacon cheeseburger, I love pizza, I love FOOD. . . DANG IT!!!!  I just have to learn how to control it.  That's the sucky part. 

We have spent most of our lives being able to do what we want with really no form of restraint needed.  I think from college to 30 I gained like 20 pounds max, and that was needed weight so I could look good.  (Remember step 1.?)   I think we also get to a point where we say, "Why Bother!!!"  I'm now in my 40's, so I'm supposed to get bigger and bigger after all.  What is it they say?  "I'd rather be fat and happy, than skinny and miserable."  I kind of buy into this creed.  I see some people that are in shape and they don't enjoy ANYTHING except the ability to say that they are in shape.  They wake up early in the morning and run, they work all day,  eating their steamed broccoli and tofu, then get home, make a chicken breast flavored with a pinch of arrogance, and then work out one more time before they go to bed at 8 p.m.  Not only do I loathe these people, but guess what folks?

I DON'T WANT THIS KIND OF LIFE!!!!!

I LIKE TO EAT.  There is nothing better then spending a day out with the family and finding an out of the way place where I can have a deep fried hot dog.  That's right, I said it, A DEEP FRIED HOT DOG.  It was glorious if you are curious, but it would have caused one of those "smug skinny folks" to drop over dead on the spot.  I love to munch, I love to crunch, I love to slurp, I love to lick, I love to chow.  I love all those things and I hate to say this, but I have wonderful memories from some of the meals that I have eaten.  Just mention Emeril's desserts at Universal Studio's and I turn into one of Pavlov's drooling dogs. 

So what in the world was this whole "puke" about?  What are you asking me for? I just work here. 

I guess I just want to let those of you that are like me, that you are NOT the only one that struggles with size.  Right now, I'm bigger than I need to be and I know it.  I just spent a day at the beach with my step-son and me standing beside him looks like a muscle fitness ad.  Me = Before  and Him = After.  Talk about wanting to keep my shirt on, which I did by the way because I am polite to others.  I'm lucky that I am 6'3" and I can hold more than most before it gets gross, but I can only lie to myself so much and so I'm going to get back out there and hit the streets walking and start watching what I eat again.  My next event is at the beginning of June and this one is a biggy.  I can't go to this event looking like Shrek!!!!  So I will get on it.  Sigh.  I hate it though.  Why can't I just have my metabolism back?  I wonder if E-Bay has one cheap?

In closing, If you have ever thanked the Good Lord above for the creation of Flip Flops because you don't have to bend over to put them on.  If you have found yourself wearing a shirt to the ocean or pool because you feel that there must be laws preventing you from taking it off.  If you have had to change the way you wipe your tushy several times because you are starting to feel like a T-Rex with little arms.  If you almost pass out each and every time you bend over to pick up anything.  If you are sitting on your couch and you swear you can hear Darth Vader breathing only to find out it's you.  If your blood type is Gravy.       I have news for you.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!   I'm right there with ya so we might as well laugh about it, and maybe, JUST MAYBE, do something about it.  Wish me luck and if you decide to do anything, I wish you luck too. 

Now does anyone have a deep fried hot dog I can borrow for a minute????

Smile!!!