Lighten up folks. . . .Farts are Funny!!!!

***Disclaimer from Blogspot*** 
If you are one of those uptight people that can't stand talking about a normal bodily function like farting, you might not want to continue.  Even though Scott is a genius when it comes to making even the grossest, nastiest, unrefined things funny, you have been warned.  In fact, We think Scott might have farted a couple times while writing this, because we smelt something that smelled like Chicken and poo a couple of times.  You might want to spray some air freshener before you continue.  It's going to be "That kind of blog" today, so you have been warned.  Turn back now if you don't want to laugh.  We at Blogspot are NOT responsible for any of the crap that comes out of this idiots mind.  Now enjoy!

Flatulence. . . . That's right.  That "home grown" gift to the world.  That "Air from Down There", that "Screaming Sphincter", that "Brown Cloud of Doom",  you know it, you hate it, but deep down most of us love to laugh about it,  Ladies and Gentlemen. . . . . I give you. . . . . . . the FART!!!! 

Now let me start this off by saying that the Fart and me has been friends for a very, very long time.  In fact, on my Adoption paperwork it states, Fretful Times - When he has gas.   My mother has told me that when I was a baby, I mean. . . . when I was the CUTEST BABY on the planet, I would be crying my eyes out.  She would try to feed me, she would check my "butt filter"(diaper), and nothing would be obviously wrong.  She would be ready to take me to the doctor to see what was wrong, and then she would pick me up and while she was holding me, I would let out a loud "Baby Air Bomb" and immediately I would stop crying and get a smile on my face.  (It's not so different now.  Ask my wife.) So there is living proof that farts are therapeutic!!!!   Having a bad day and feeling cranky???  Hike that leg and let the tension out!!!!  Go ahead and FART!!!!!  Brilliant New campaign ad.  Brad Pitt is standing there with his face all scrunched up and his leg hiked.  Instead of a white mustache, there is a green cloud forming around him.  The simple catch phrase is written above him.   FART. . . . It does the body good.  That's it.  I'm heading to Hollywood! 

Which brings me back to that word Fart. It's been around since the 13th Century and comes from the High German word ferzan, which means to break wind. (Didn't know I was so smart did you?) It's such a simple one syllable word that almost sounds like what it's describing, but it's also a hated word by many.  If you want to rile my mother up, just say the word FART!  She will cringe like I just said the other famous four letter F word and will tell me not to say it.  She will say "Toot" or "Gas" or "Stinker", which mean the same thing, but never will the word FART come shooting out of her mouth. (I intended that pun) I have tried over and over to get her to say it, but to no avail. I think it has a lot to do with her age, 80, and that "back in the day", you just didn't address that wonderfully, hilarious bodily function.  By the way most elderly people act, they just didn't "pass gas" back then.  It's like Farting didn't come along until I was born.  I will say however, that after smelling a few of my Grandmother's "Poop Ghosts", I might start to believe that they DIDN'T fart back then, but held it all in until they hit their 70's and then decided to let it all out one step at a time.  I'm sorry, but there is NOTHING funnier than the walking "Toots".  You can hear it plain as day, but the elderly person in question either doesn't hear or doesn't care.  "Here comes Grandpa."

*TOOT*. . . . Step. . . . .*TOOT*. . . . .Step. . . . .*TOOT*. . . . Step. . . . etc.

It's as if they need the "Turbo Boost" to help them on their way.  I just always worry about being there when they stop and all that "Lonesome Cry of a Trapped Turd" air that they have been trailing, catches up to them.  It's a wonder that we just don't see a ton of elderly people passed out along the road from being "gassed" by the funk of like 32 farts at one time hitting them in the back of the head.  Talk about the Black Plague.  That's the Brown Plague.

 So before we get into "story time with Uncle Scott", lets talk about all the great names that we have come up with for this one bodily function. I think the only one that anyone finds offensive is the word FART.  I don't understand why, maybe it has something to do with the other four letter F word, but I have no idea what the deal is with that word.  I find it to be the perfect word for that just by the way it seeps out of your mouth. (Yep.  Intended Pun)   Go ahead and say it. . . . . . out loud . . . . . I'll wait. . . . . .

FART!!!!!!!

It's just such a simple word that instantly makes you chuckle.  If you are NOT chuckling, stop reading now because it's only going to get worse from here.

Here's some of the names I've seen used:

Poot         Fluff      Pooter     (all used by women, because we all know that women don't FART)
Barking Spider
Butt Muffin
Cheese  (This is my sisters favorite)
Poop Ghost (my personal favorite)
Lonesome Cry of a Trapped Turd  (Come on.  You HAVE to laugh at that)
Butt Burp
Rim Shot
Flatulence  (The boring word)

And that is just the tip of the "fartberg" at how many different names we have for them.

Not only do we have many terms for them, but we also have many names for the situation in which you expel that "butt vapor".

S.B.V. (Silent but Violent)  or S.B.D. (Silent but Deadly)- This is when you let one slip out that has no sound, but smells like you just butchered a cow.  This is effective in elevators and amusement park lines.
Drive by -  This is when you walk past a buddy of yours and let it fly so it catches them dead on.  It's usually best if they are sitting when you do this so they get a face full.
Dutch Oven - This is when laying in bed with your spouse, you let one rip and then pull the covers up over your spouses head so they can enjoy your "gift from down below"
Blue Bomber - This is when you light your "Bomb" with either a match or a lighter.  For those of you that don't think this is possible. . . . . . .

Scout Fart -  This happens usually when you are out on a date with someone you just aren't comfortable enough with yet.  You have to "Chum the Waters" so bad, but you are not sure if it's going to stink real bad.  So you let out a little "Scout fart" to test the waters to see if you can smell it.

I'm sure you can think of more than that and you might have your very own nicknames for farting events which I would love to hear in the comments section below.

I think the laughter comes from when we were children.  There was NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, funnier than you or one of your friends letting it rip.  If it was lucky enough to be you, you would silence the room by saying, "Hold on. . . . Hold on. . . .I got to Fart".  Then you would hike your leg, which is the universal language for "Something Wicked This Way Comes".  Then you would scrunch your face and let fly the gas that was trapped in the "Land Down Under".  Your friends would all let out a loud groan in unison, and then you would wait for the smell that was soon to follow.   Then once the "Anus Air" would hit you, you would start waiving the air like a fan in order to spread the joy as far as you possibly could.   Your friends would scream, run, and even cry depending on what you had for lunch that day.  It was the perfect activity.  Free, Fun, and Funny.  I guess I'm talking from a boy's point of view, but I'm willing to bet you girls laughed just as hard when you "Fluffed" in front of your friends.

I guess I never grew up though, because like most men, and women if they would just admit it, FARTS are still funny.  The leg hike is still used, the waving of the "Sphincter Smell" can still be employed, and the laughs are still just as hard.  It's a normal bodily activity that EVERYONE has to deal with it.  We don't freak out when someone coughs do we?  Well think of a Fart as a "Butt Cough".  We don't condemn someone when they sneeze do we?  Well think of a Fart as a "Rump Sneeze".  It's just part of the way God created us.  We FART, CHEESE, TOOT, POOF, RIP!!!!!   No matter what you call it, we expel gas out of our bodies either through a burp or a fart.   I'm sure I'm not the only one that laughs at this. 

So gather round "pukesters".  Uncle Scott has a few of his favorite FART stories to tell you. 

#1.  One of my favorite things I got as a present one year was my Electronic Fart Machine.  Talk about Heaven in a Box, this was it.  It was such a electronic masterpiece.  If you have never seen one, it's a box that's about the size of a small speaker and it comes with a remote.  So you would hide the speaker part, press the remote button, and one of 6 different sounding farts bellows out of the speaker.  The best part is that you can hit the remote from about 50 - 100 feet away and it will work.  This leads someone like me into trouble.  You could do so many things with this device, like either put it in your own back pocket and walk around hitting the button periodically or you could hide the box somewhere that people would walk by and let it rip from a safe distance.  Either way it was a great way to entertain yourself. 

I was a manager at a retail store for a long time and I decided to have a little fun at my employee's expense one day.  Probably the best one was that I had a pregnant girl in my store that was like 7 months along. So I hid the box under the cash drawer one morning before anyone else got there.  The best thing was that I could sit in the back room and watch the monitors because the remote would work from my desk.  So I waited until she had finished waiting on two gentlemen and was ringing them up.  After she rung it up, she turned and bent over to grab a bag for their purchase and that's when I hit the button.  I could see the two gentlemen give each other a look and I could see the employee panic.  I mean, here was a pregnant girl ready to pop, so certainly she couldn't control her "Baby Yells" could she?  She finished with the customers as best as she could without breaking up and once they were gone, she looked up at the camera and with a smile she told me I was #1 only using a finger that is not normally used for that.

#2.  This one happened back in High School when I was really just getting into weight lifting.  A friend of mine happened to be over at my house and we both decided to see what each of us could bench press.  So being that neither one of us were Hercules, we started off with 170 lbs. on the bar.  We both were good with that and we slowly worked our way up.  He dropped out at 225 lbs. but I did it and wanted to show him up by going to 235 lbs.  I layed down on the bench and told him to spot me. 

For those of you that don't know what spotting is, it's when the person stands behind you at the bench and if needed, he will reach down and help you get the weight up if you can't do it on your own.  It's for your safety.

So there I was, laying on the bench, my hands grasping the bar, and getting ready to lift the heaviest that I ever had done.  My friend was in position to help in case something went wrong.  "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey was blaring on the radio and I was in the zone. Looking back now, I should have been playing "Don't Start Breathing" by Scott Sweitzer.  I took a deep breath and pushed up on the weight to get it off the hooks.  It felt heavy, but I was sure I could do this.  I lowered the bar to my chest and started the lift.  About halfway up, my strength gave out.  I couldn't lift it any further so I did what I was supposed to do.  I said, "Help me".  That was the code word for the spotter to reach over from the back and grab the bar helping you lift it back up to the hooks.

Well.  If you are picturing this correctly.  I am lying on my back with my head sticking out the top of the bench.  The spotter is standing close to my head and is facing my feet.  So when he bent over to grab the bar, I was pretty dang close to his "Under Carriage".  He immediately jumped to help and reached over and grabbed the bar.  At the same time he was lifting the weight up to save my life, he let out a huge "pants puffer".  Remember where my face was????   I was right in the line of fire.  In fact, I'm pretty sure not only did I hear the wind, but I felt it as well.

Being that farts are funny, we both busted out laughing so hard at that moment.  You remember the moment don't you?  I was the one with 235 lbs. on top of me?  I don't know if you have ever tried to lift something heavy while you are laughing real hard AND have a face full of butt, but let me tell you, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!!!!  The two of us couldn't stop laughing over his "gift" and so I was stuck with 235 lbs. stuck on my chest.  My friend never recovered from the laughing and I had to roll the bar down me until I could sit up and get it off my legs.  Let's just say that I NEVER asked him to be my spotter again.

And now my personal favorite  (drum roll please)

#3.  This one happened at church.  This also happened around high school age. 

Me and a friend of mine were sitting in the pew listening intently to the sermon.  Let me rephrase that.  I was the only one listening because upon looking over at my friend, he had his head dropped down and it wasn't because he was deep in prayer.  He was fast asleep.  I went back to being the good one and paid attention.

I know probably each and everyone of us has had a "bed fart" before.  It's where you are asleep and your body is so relaxed that it decides to go ahead and release the tension itself.  Of course, it releases it out of your tushy and you usually end up hearing it like it happened in some far away place until you realize that it wasn't a dream and you just farted in your sleep.  

SOOOOOOO. . . . about halfway through the sermon, I heard a perfect fart come from my sleeping friend beside me.  By perfect, I mean the tone was like a C flat on a trumpet and was just long enough to make it's presence known.  I jerked because quite frankly it scared me and then after realizing what that sound was, I started laughing.  I was trying to keep it under control because after all, we were in church.  My friend kept his head dropped down and then slowly leaned over to me to utter these words to me in a whisper. . . .

"Was that me?", careful not to make eye contact with anyone.  I let him know that yes indeed it was him that just made the term "Pew" literal.  He whispered a  "Oh man" and then he slowly leaned back to his original spot and went back to acting like he was asleep. Knowing full well that the "Smell Train" was a coming.  

Now we had a couple of girls in front of us and they were giggling because they heard the "Thunder from Down Under" and they OBVIOUSLY thought FARTS WERE FUNNY!  I wanted to kill my friend  because I was sure they were blaming me because I was the only one awake.  But what could I do?  I couldn't announce to the congregation that it wasn't me even though I wanted to.

"Um. . . . . . Excuse me Pastor?  Sorry for interrupting you, but I really need to point out that that sound you might have heard that sounded like a Walrus playing a trumpet wasn't me.  It was my sleeping friend here that is now awake because he knows what he did.  Thank you.  Now on with the sermon."

Nope, I just had to sit there and enjoy the smell and wonder how much longer I was going to laugh about it.  Well according to my watch, I've been laughing about it for the past 24 years and I don't see anytime in the near future that it isn't still going to be funny.

So all I'm saying here people is that please don't be so uptight.  I will agree that there is a time and a place for everything and I know where that line is.  Don't stress over the "Air from down there" because it really is just the human body doing what it's supposed to.  You know it's funny, so . . . . . . . . . Lighten up folks. . . . . FARTS ARE FUNNY!!!!  LAUGH!!!!

Smile!!!