Send in the Clowns. . . . NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

While getting ready for work this morning, I was standing there working on whatever hair I have left on the top of my head, and I was wondering what to "puke" about next.  I had just gotten out of the shower, sorry for the visual, and dried my hair with the towel, and when I looked in the mirror, it hit me.  The way my hair looked at that moment reminded me of something that scares the crap out of me.  It's not male pattern baldness, so shut up if you guessed that, it is a fear that I have had for a long, long time now.  I really don't know where I got it from, but my first memory of having it took place when I was like 4ish. 

I'm pretty sure it was around my birthday and my Godparents came over for a visit.  Not really understanding the whole concept of the Godparents, I kind of just went along with the whole thing due to the fact that they carried in their arms a HUGE wrapped box that was for me.  Once I was on board, I reached out my arms to accept this bounty from these two people that I hardly knew.  It was fine though, after all, it was a HUGE gift.  We all gathered in the living room to observe this wonderful holiday ceremony.  "Gifts for Scott, Gifts for Scott.  All gather round!!!" 

So there I sat on the floor eying this wonderfully large package, and once all eyes were on me, I went to tearing into that bad boy like I now do when I get a new package of Oreo cookies.  I destroyed the wrapping paper in an instant and since I opened it bottom side up, I had to turn it over to see what this momentous gift turned out to be.  I can remember that it was a blue box that needed to be opened.  So one of the parental units came over to help me with this task as not to destroy the box this item came in.  I sat there with so much excitement on my face just knowing that this was the gift to end all gifts.  The box came open and there to my HORROR was the single most scariest thing I have ever seen in my life.  How could these so called "Godparents" give me something so demonic?  How could my parents let this demon into my home?  How could I turn from a little 4 year old boy into a 4 year old girl so quick?  Well staring at me from inside the box was a 3 ft. replica of this guy:

BOZO THE FREAKING CLOWN!!!!!!!

A demon that was just let loose in my home and was now in MY possession.  I didn't know what to do first.  Crap myself?  Scream like a girl?  Throw this demon across the room?  Cry like a baby?   Well I think I managed to to all of these ALL AT THE SAME TIME.  I let out a huge scream, grabbed the demon toy from its demon box, hurled it across the room, and started to cry.  I don't remember if I crapped myself, but I'm willing to bet my Scooby Doo Underoos had a little "Scooby Snack" in them if you know what I mean.

My folks freaked out, my Godparents felt like dirt, my brother and sister would have countless hours of enjoyment with this "toy" torturing me, and I just sat there and cried my little tainted eyes out trying to process just what did I ever do to deserve this gift from the underworld.  I think I ended up getting spanked for my rude behavior to my Godparents, but I think THEY deserved the spanking for bring Bozo the Minon from Hell as a gift for me!  I think one of my siblings ended up keeping it so not to offend my Godparents and I could feel it staring at me all the time no matter where it was.  So there is began, my fear of demons, otherwise known as CLOWNS.

Being a huge fan of scary things, I can handle most things around me.  I would love to sit down with Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, and Chucky to share a nice cup of tea, but throw in a clown, and IT AIN'T HAPPENING.  They freak me out.  Everything about them bothers me and the fact that there are plenty of studies that have been done proving that I am not the minority here, tells me that I am right in this fear.  In fact, Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studio's do polls every year as to what scares the guest, and the number one answer just about every year is Clowns. 

At 4 I began this life long fear of clowns, so trust me when I say, I've had a lot of time to try to work through this whole thing, but it ain't getting any better for me so I'm betting it isn't going to go away anytime soon.  I just hope they don't have "Clown Day" at the nursing home because I can guarantee you one thing.  If I'm lying there in my bed, getting ready to eat my prune pudding, and Coco the Clown comes bouncing in the room, I'm going to fill up my Scooby Doo Depends so quick, grab my chest, and go to the Lord screaming like an old woman.  I just hope and pray that good old Coco gets some of my spraying "Scooby Snacks" on his, or hers, stupidly oversized shoes.  It's the least I can do on my way out.

Of course this fear made the circus a whole lot fun for me.  I kept hoping and praying that the lion tamer would forget to lock the cage and the lions would be able to see the clowns for what they truly were. . . demons, cause animals have a sixth sense about things like that.  The lions would bust out of their cage, run after that demonic car that they all fit into, pounce on top of it, and then eat them like a Pez dispenser as they got out of the car.  Tell me that wouldn't have been AWESOME!!!!   The door would open then, ROAR. . . .CHOMP. . . . .BURP. . . . then NEXT!!!!!   Let's see how many of those creepy little freaks can fit inside a lions stomach.  A boy can dream can't he?

School carnivals were real fun too.  They would always have a clown that would walk around and just mess with little kids.  Spray you with babies blood from the overly large flower on its shirt (he claimed it was water, but I knew better), twist a balloon into a pentagram to worship the Dark Lord (he clamed it was a dog, but I knew better), and chase you around the school trying to stomp on you with those huge shoes of his (he claimed he wanted to give me a hug, but I knew better).  I hated school carnivals, kids birthdays, parades, and any other function that would bring these denizens from the lowest pits of the underworld out into public to wreak havoc on the souls of children.  I HATED CLOWNS.  You want to know what I saw everytime I saw a clown?  Well here:

Then once I was in high school, I pretty much was able to avoid clowns all together.  I really didn't see them except for movies or TV,  so all was pretty much right in the world until I picked up a book by Stephen King called "It".  For those of you that have read it, you will know what I'm talking about when I say the word Pennywise.  This book was able to dredge that whole fear thing right back up to the surface and remind me just how much I hate clowns.  That book actually scared me.  For those of you that haven't read that book, well trust me when I say that Pennywise was NOT a good clown.  Not that there is ANY clown out there that is good.  Now I sit here at 40ish, and still have this fear.  I don't like them, I don't trust them, and I just know that they are out there doing evil around the world.   So let me tell you my theories on what makes clowns so scary.  I call this proof positive that they are truly demons.

#1.  Make-up  -  Why does a clown need so much make up?  To cover up the scales that a demon has on it's face so we won't notice them.

#2.  Big red nose  -  They wear the big red nose because demons DON'T HAVE NOSES.  They don't want to tip us off to that because most people would notice a creature with no nose.

#3.  White gloves  -  This is so we won't see their claws.  Once they have their victem alone though, the gloves are coming off and it's scratchy time.

#4.  The big shoes - They wear the big shoes because their feet REALLY ARE THAT BIG.  It happens when they come up from hell.  I can't explain it in detail, I think it has something to do with air pressure.

#5.  The balloon stuff -  They seem like they are doing cute little things with the balloons, but in reality they are showing the kids just what they are going to do to them once the parents look away.

#6.  The red hair - Everyone knows that the fires of Hell will stain your hair red.  DUH!!!!!

Do I need to go on?  I think not.  They are up to no good folks and it's high time someone does something about it.  Call a priest, bring some Holy Water, and grab the Bible, it's time to cast out some demons!!!!

They need to be stopped.  They need to know that it ISN'T okay to pull scarves (really intestines) out of their mouth.  They need to know that we are on to them.  They need to know that we know what they are.

So the next time you see a clown, do me a huge favor.  Walk up to them holding out a cross and whisper in their demon ear,  "The power of Christ compels you."  Then throw a bottle of holy water on them then run away!!!!  I'm sure if enough of us do this, they will get the message to go back from whence they came.  And if someone happens to see that Burger King King, do it twice then tell him it's from me because that guy freaks me out too.

Send in the Clowns????   I say NOT!!!!

Smile!!!!