Taking Valentine's Day back.

Ladies and Gentleman, I come before you with a serious topic that I feel needs to be discussed this fine day.  I feel an answer needs to be found for a question that has burned a hole in my skull for my entire life and I’m sure the skulls of many of you men here tonight.

It’s a question soooooo serious that I feel it’s high time we get to the bottom of it and find out just who in the world came up with this one!!! 

Of course I’m talking about the question:

WHAT IN THE HECK IS VALENTINE'S DAY AND WHY DID US MEN FALL FOR IT??? 

Certainly this wasn’t a man’s doing was it??? It had to be a woman because nothing so bizarre would come from a man’s mind, could it???

Well my fine group of confused men, I’ve done the research and guess what???  It WAS a man.  A stupid convicted felon that got us into this.

Let’s take a look back and let me explain what happened and how this evil holiday came into being. The story goes:

There was a priest named St. Valentine back in Roman times. The emperor at the time, Claudius, was trying to build a great army, but he noticed that the men were not joining because they didn’t want to leave their wives behind. Well this angered Claudius, and so he passed a law that forbad anyone from getting married.

Well this hacked off St. Valentine and he decided to break the law and perform private marriages in secret.  So guess what happened next?

Claudius found out about it and had St. Valentine arrested, thrown in jail, and sentenced to death. 

A funny thing happened, the people of the town still supported St. Valentine and they threw flowers and notes to him to tell him that they still believed in Love. 

Now while he was in jail, St. Valentine befriended a daughter of one of the prison guards.

They would talk for hours at a time and she would lift his spirits and tell him that she believed that he was right in performing the marriages.

Pay attention gentlemen, here’s where it all began. Here’s where this CONVICTED FELON blew it for all of us.

On February 14, 269 A.D. St. Valentine was scheduled to die. Before his death however, he wrote a letter to the daughter of the prison guard and thanked her for her friendship and loyalty. Now at the end of the letter, here we go folks, he signed it,

“Love, from your Valentine”

There it is my fellow men. There are the four little words that put a curse upon til the end of time.  There are the 21 letters that have kept more florist, candy shops, greeting card company’s, and jewelers in business for years upon years. Never has a passage so small given the women of this world so much power.

Well it is at this time I would like to say a few things to Mr. "Blow it for the rest of us men."

Way to go you idiot!!!

Way to make all of us men pay for YOU breaking the law!!!

Thank you oh so much Mr. Valentine for crushing my little 10 yr. old heart in the 5^th grade when I opened that wonderfully decorated shoebox, manly I might add, with pink construction paper and red hearts and instead of receiving a Valentine from Susan Farkiss, I received one from Johnny Renfro that said “Beeeeeeee Mine” with a picture of a bee above it.  That really messed me up for a while I might add.

Thank you Mr. Valentine, Thank you oooooooohhhhhh so much.

It is at this time however ladies, that I would like to point out some glaring holes in this little story that could change the way we celebrate this holiday from this day forward.

#1.Does anyone else see the correlation between marriage and death??? Now I’m not saying the two are related, just giving you something to think about.

#2. St. Valentine was a priest. A priest ladies and gentleman!!!  That means that the man that started this madness took a vow never to marry or even HAVE a girlfriend. This so called “Father of Valentines” day never had to pull out his wallet and shell out his hard earned cash on a stuffed bear that says, “Squeeze Me” and “I’m Bearry fond of you”.  There was no Kay Jewelers sending him "friendly" reminders that Valentines Day was coming knowing FULL WELL that your wife is going to see that advertisement like a beacon in the night before you even get a chance to throw it away.

#3. You notice that the people threw flowers and notes to him. I didn’t read one single story of him getting a concussion from someone whipping a diamond necklace at him. No one grabbed a $64 box of Whitman Samplers and winged it at him. I’m also willing to bet that the Rome Olive Garden never had to say,   “Valentine, party of two, your tables ready.” No ladies, just flowers and notes, and the flowers didn’t cost $105 dollars back then, you just picked them!!!! They were free!!!

#4.  The people threw the gifts to HIM LADIES!!!!  TO HIM!!!!   How did you women turn that one around on us???  All this time we men were the ones that were supposed to get the gifts,  not you ladies.  Way to go men, we stepped out to watch the gladiators and we forgot WHO GOT THE GIFTS FIRST!!!

#5.  He died folks. Nuff said.

Well don’t worry my fellow men.  There’s change in the air. It’s the very legend of St. Valentines Day that will save us.

How???  You might ask.  How can we men folk take back what is rightfully ours??? How can we end the oppression on this black holiday???

WE SHALL TAKE BACK FEBRUARY 14^TH.  WE SHALL RIGHT THE WRONG AND GIVE VALENTINES DAY BACK TO WHOM IT BELONGS.

FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, WE MEN WILL BE PAMPERED AND RECEIVE LOVE AND AFFECTION FROM THE WOMEN FOLK.

FROM THIS DAY FORWARD IT IS US MEN THAT WILL BE APPRECIATED FOR OUR GIFT TO LOOK STUPID AT DOING EVERYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE IN ORDER TO GET OUT OF HAVING TO DO IT AGAIN. IT’S AN ART FORM LADIES, AN ART FORM.

WE SHALL BE WORSHIPPED FOR WHAT WE ARE, BURPING, EATING, SCRATCHING, SLEEPING MACHINES THAT MIGHT LET OF GAS EVERY NOW AND THEN AND LAUGH ABOUT IT. BUT IT’S OUR SMELL, AND IT IS GOOD!!!

LONG LIVE THE NEW VALENTINE'S DAY!!!  VIVA LA FRANCE!!!!

Now lets discuss these gifts ladies.  We need to lay down a few ground rules to make the day more enjoyable for us men.

Put aside those gifts you were brainwashed with in your secret meetings with the women elders discussing ways to make us pay, don’t think we didn’t know about those meetings. We also know there’s a handbook somewhere, but we still haven’t found it.

You can thank me now women cause I’m going to do the work for you and give you suitable gift alternatives for us men.

#1.  You can leave the whole restaurant thing the way it is cause truth be told, we like to eat.

#2.  Instead of candy . . . .we would like . . . um . . . .more candy. Because candy is good!!!

#3.  Instead of flowers . . . .a bouquet of beef jerky or medium well done steaks will suffice.

#4.  Instead of Jewelry . . . .

I think a large, HD, Plasma T.V. will do and don’t forger the surround sound cause we all know that it would be cheaper then anything you can get from Kay Jewlers.

#5.  Instead of Cards . . . . .

Cause unless there’s cash in them, we men aren’t reading them.  I think back rubs would do nicely. And not one of those you normally give us that last a grand total of 32 seconds and then your hands go limp like a dead fish and you sit there and hope we forgot what you were doing.You can work all day with your hands but when it comes time to rub us for a change you all of a sudden become little miss "Wimpy Mcfarlane" the woman with no muscles in her hands or arms.  Explain that one to us.

So there you have a few ideas ladies but feel free to substitute some of those with power tools, tickets to sporting events, computers, DVD’s, Cd’s, etc.   You know what we like so make it happen.

So in closing I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for letting me spread the word and start the change. We all know what they say,  “It only takes a spark, to get the fire going”   So spread the word my fellow men. A new day is here, it’s our time to shine!!!

I can only think back to those four little words that St. Valentine said all those years ago that started it all,  “Love, from your Valentine”.   And once my wife reads this "puke"  I'm pretty sure I'll be saying six little words of my own. . . . .

"I’ll go sleep on the couch!"

Smile!!!!   Oh. . . .and Happy Valentine's Day