(This is Stage 4 of this series so if you haven't read Stages 1-3, you have a lot of catching up to do. You can't just jump into this during Stage 4 and expect to understand. Stop being so lazy and go back and read Stages 1-3 so you can be on the same page with all the others, 6ish by the stats, which read this blog. We'll wait. Go read them now)
Okay, I'm now assuming that we are all on the same page. The vacation is now over and it's time for us to once again load up the car and drive that long distance back home. What's the difference between the trip to your destination and the trip back to your home? Why do I feel the need to dedicate an entire stage to it even though it's just driving again? To me, it's a whole different experience in the overall vacation trip. The trip home is really the most painful part of any vacation in my book, and each person on that trip home has their own feelings that they have to work through during that drive. More on that later though, let's grab our stuff and get going for the trip home.
The day you left to start the journey back home, tended to be a really depressing time for everyone involved. You could be leaving relatives, friends, theme parks, ocean, or any number of cool places that you went to, behind, not to visit them again for at least another year, or perhaps ever again. (Like loony Uncle George) To say that there was a plethora of bad moods going on in the family would be a major understatement. Dad would be in a bad mood because he was going to have to get behind the steering wheel and drive some ridiculous length of time. Mom would be grumpy because she knew that once again she had to keep Dad from killing us kids by being our entertainment and distraction. All three of us kids were cranky because we just flat out didn't want to leave. We were getting spoiled by some relative that actually acted like they liked us and we could get used to that whole spoiled thing.
As before, Dad was once again in charge of the packing, but there was one glitch in that for him. While on vacation, we collected "stuff". Like souvenirs, sea shells, clothes, toys, and many other things that weren't in the car when you left the first time. Dad would pack the car like before, but as the packing proceeded, he would begin to notice that things weren't fitting back into the car as they had before. The bright green suitcases were thicker, there were bags of dirty laundry that Mom had collected, there was a Nerf gun that was new, a doll staring at him that would poop on command, and a bunch of crap items that were not helping with the accomplishment of packing the car orderly. Of course, this wouldn't help with Dad's mood at all, so us kids would make it a high priority to NOT be in sight of him while he packed. We would be able to hear an occasional, "Where did THIS come from?" and "We are just going to have to leave it." between him and Mom, but we were not going to risk getting involved in that process because Mom would always find a way to make it all fit, much to the dismay of Dad who would utter, "This is ridiculous." Without fail though, Dad would think the car was loaded until one of the relatives would bring out an item saying, "Don't forget this." which would elicit a loud groan out of Dad and I'm pretty sure at that moment, he wanted to strangle that person for finding that item. You also had to count on the moment of the trip that you remembered something that you left behind. Be it a shoe, a toothbrush, a pillow, or any other possible item, it would hit whoever like a ton of bricks and they would make that sucking in air sound like they had just been punched in the stomach. Then you had to let Dad decide if it was worth turning back around for because he was the judge, jury, and executioner for that decision. Usually though, the item was forever lost to you because he, "WASN'T TURNING AROUND FOR ANYTHING!!!".
If we were cramped on the drive to the destination, we now had the joy of being even more cramped for the ride home thanks to all the "stuff" we collected. When we originally left on this vacation, I had a suitcase pressed against the back of my head and a cooler pushed against my "special place", but now I had both of those PLUS my feet were on top of a bag of dirty laundry that stunk, a thermos between me and Alice, and I had to hold the Nerf gun that I just "had to have" for the entire trip because there was no room for it anywhere else. I wasn't able to move AT ALL due to the packing, and I was expected to be in this position for the next 8-10 hours. I would have to say though, that if we would have gotten in a wreck, I would have never felt it or moved an inch due to all the items that surrounded me. It was like my own little cocoon to keep me safe. It wasn't just me though, Alice and Mark were both encased and Mom had so much crap at her feet, I had NO IDEA where her legs were during that return trip. Heaven forbid that anyone of us was still going through sunburn pain, because there was NO sympathy when it came to that. You were going to have something touching you at all times of that trip home and you were going to LIKE IT!!!!
Now, as before, Dad was the driver and Mom was the navigator. She would still have to look at the map on occasion, but this time she didn't even bother to attempt to fold the map back up. She just threw it on the floor until it would next be needed. Dad drove very quietly because I guess he knew at the time that his vacation was over. The reality would sink in that he just got done working a whole year in order to take these two weeks off, and come Monday, he was done. Back to the grind and back to reality. Mom was aware of this and that is why she really had to be on the ball as far as keeping us three kids out of Dad's hair during this stage of the trip because she knew he was one, "Are we there yet?" away from becoming a serial killer.
I can remember though, that us three kids would still try to squeeze out more vacation the entire trip home. How did we do this? We would look at each and every billboard and decide that we should ask to stop at EVERY place advertised on them. It didn't matter if the billboard said, "Come taste the World's best Brussel Sprout!!!” and not a single one of liked brussel sprouts? (and who in their right mind does?), we were going to ask to stop. "Death Cave Tours in 24 miles" meant that we had only 24 miles to convince Dad to stop. One of us would make that excited sound. . . . "Ohhhhhhhhhh" then we would go into our sales pitch. "The planets largest ear wax ball is just 13 miles away. Can we go see it?" Mom would usually handle this kind of thing with a quick and firm "NO. We aren’t stopping anywhere." Then my brother or sister would get in on the act and state, "Awwwwwww. We really wanted to see the ear wax ball. Please can we stop?" Mom would once again say, "NO" and then one of us kids would usually throw the final plea out there of, "We never get to ANYTHING fun." to which no response would come from the front seat and the exit for the "Planet's largest ear wax ball" would speed by. No loss though, we still had 614 more billboards to ask about and we had nothing better to do. Once every five years or so though, we would score big and get to do one of those highway tourist traps. I can remember doing the Blue Hole in some state and a couple of the caverns between Florida and Ohio. Those were always magical to me because it was so unplanned and any moment out of that car was a good moment.
As the hours in the car passed, talking became a thing of rarity because everyone was tired of traveling and just wanted to be home at that point. It was like having 5 zombies sitting in a car. The last hour or so would become almost unbearable due to everyone being stir crazy and wanting to get out of that car as fast as possible and you would also have Dad's paranoia kick in and he would just know that the house was sitting there in ashes due to the robber/arsonists that had their way with our house for the past two weeks. This was the most miserable part of the trip because you were almost home . . . but not quite!!!!!!
Now depending on what time of day you finally did get home determined how things went when you pulled in the driveway. If we were lucky enough to arrive during daylight, there was a pretty good chance that one of my friends would see us arrive back home and come greet me the second we pulled in. This would usually get me out of the whole unpacking stage because I would just run off with them to go play. It was amazing how quick I got my energy back. But . . . . if we didn't get home until after dark, it was the march of the living dead during the unpacking stage and then everyone would just go to bed to wake up to the mess in the morning.
The vacation was now over. No one broke into the house, we all came back safe, and all that was left was the memories and the mountain of laundry that Mom had to get done in the next couple of days. Life would go back to normal and Dad would go back to work. We would all tell our friends of what a great time we had and all the amazing things we saw. (Like the strip club in New York) Mom would take the film to the Photoshop and a week or so later, we would have stacks and stacks of photos. Of course, Mom wouldn't be in a single one of them because she was the one that always took the picture.
Look Mom. . . .No Mom!!!!
(For those of you wondering, I'm the goofy one on the bottom left. I want those shorts back!!!)
In closing this series though, I would like to take a moment to comment on what changes have happened that I have experienced in traveling now as an adult with kids. You know that whole, "You kids have NO IDEA how good you have it these days." scenario. Traveling has changed a lot in my eyes and you really have technology to thank for that. Here are a few observations on traveling in this day and age.
#1. I touched on it earlier during the Traveling Stage, but I will go into greater detail now. The ability to have entertainment for everyone, except THE DRIVER, is really quite remarkable. We now have the ability to have DVD players that fit in the head rest of the seats, video games that are hand held, cell phones that can access the Internet, Mp3 players that store thousands of songs, and really the list goes on and on as to what electronic devices you can have to entertain you in 2011. About the only good thing going for the driver, is the advancement of satellite radio. We no longer have to press the seek button every 2 minutes looking for ANY kind of music we like, we can just put it on one station and leave it if we want. LONG LIVE THE 80's!!!!!! The only thing that drives me up the wall is when someone from the back seat asks me to turn the music down so they can hear their music. "NO!!!!! I'm not going to turn it down!!!! That's the ONLY form of entertainment I have during this trip and you aren’t ruining it for me!!!!!"
#2. I tend to find myself stopping to eat at restaurants more than we ever did when I was a kid. There is just something about packing a cooler full of pre-made sandwiches and fruit that just grosses me out. The sandwich doesn't taste good after about an hour of sitting in that cooler and who really wants fruit??? Nope, for me, I like to find places that I don't have in my hometown and eat there. It's like a mini vacation for me. Plus, with the value meals you can get from most fast food places, it's not worth it to lug a cooler with you filled with soggy sandwiches plus you also save room by not having a huge cooler "coffin" hogging up tons of space. I will bring along snacks, NOT VEGGIES!!!! Candy and chips will suffice and that way we can keep the sugar high going for the entire trip.
#3. Finding a motel is now much easier and safer in my opinion. It used to be that you would have to get off the highway to see if there was a motel there to stay in. I can remember a few times it looked like something straight out of a horror movie. You know, "Guests can check in, but they will NEVER check out!!!". Sometimes you could even hear the banjo music even before you stopped the car. Mom and Dad would usually be smart enough to keep going, but there were a few times I feared for my little 8 year old life and wondered if the eyes in that painting really did follow me. Where was Scooby Doo when you needed him?
Now we have the Internet on our phones and we can plan the whole stop hours in advance. Throw in Priceline and we can stay at a four star hotel for less than it would cost for a one star dump. You just have to be willing to work a little at the planning of the trip, and you can really stay at some nice places for not much money. There is nothing like staying in a $200 a night room for 50 bucks. PLUS. . . . NO BANJO MUSIC!!!!!
#4. Entertaining the kids is almost impossible without spending big bucks to do it. Kids today are not happy with just hanging out at Grandma and Grandpa's house for an entire week because Grandma and Grandpa don't have a 62 inch flat screen with a PS3 hooked up to it. So they can either go outside, which is like pulling teeth to a kid today, or they can sit and watch one of the four stations that actually come in off the antenna hooked to the roof. Today's vacations tend to be very busy and hectic in my world because I'm trying to entertain everyone every day, and yes, that's my fault, but I want to build memories not traumatic boredom. So we end up running around all over the place and by the time the week is over, you are so beat that you can't wait to get home.
#5. The GPS is the coolest invention as it pertains to traveling. I don't know how many times my overly large behind has been saved by that little box. There is something so cool, and creepy, about that device knowing right where you are at at all times and being able to tell you how to get to where you want to go within 5 seconds. No need for that huge map that will never fold back up, no need for that Road Atlas that half the pages are missing from, no need to hear your wife tell you you're lost again . . . . NOPE, just ask Mr. GPS and he will get you where you want to go. I love my GPS and also love the fact that when I make a wrong turn, it just fixes the mistake and we move on instead of it telling me how crappy my Mother is or how my feet stink like cheese and death. I tend to think that a lot of marriages have been saved thanks to this wonderful creation.
So that's that. The mental station wagon is back in the garage and this trip is over. The car is now unpacked and there is now a huge Kool-Aid stain on the back right floorboard carpet thanks to your clumsy sister that you are blaming it on even though you know full well you did it. I hope you were able to enjoy the trip with me and have had this spark a memory or two for you about trips you have taken in the past. Now grab you souvenirs and exit the vehicle in a calm and orderly fashion.
SMILE!!!!
1 comment:
Good times! and thanx for getting me started! Now I'm afraid its a MUST SEE every year!!!
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